Page 23 of You Will Never Be Me

I’m too tired and defeated to argue. It’s almost eleven p.m. now. Usually, I would be in bed reviewing my social media accounts, replying to a few comments, before I turn off the lights and go to sleep. I sit up when Liv drives to an In-N-Out. “Really?” I haven’t had fast food in years.

“Come on, the food at that party was like organic sea-foam on a bed of air. I’m starving,” Liv says. She considers the drive-thrumenu and orders two double-doubles with fries and chocolate milkshakes.

My willpower crumbles as soon as the bags are in the car and the scent of the burgers hits my nostrils. I mean, seriously, can anyone resist double cheeseburgers?

“I thought we’d have it in the car so no one sees us and posts about how we’re terrible mothers for eating fast food,” Liv says.

I laugh through a mouthful of meat and cheese. “God, this is so good. Orgasmic.”

“Right? Fuck the organic shit, give me processed meat and cheese anytime,” Liv says. “Not that I would ever tell my kid that.”

I roll my eyes. “Tell me about it.” I hesitate, wondering if I should pretend to know more about her child, but something about Liv makes me not want to lie. “How old is—uh, your…” Son? Daughter? God, I really know nothing about her. I suck. “Sorry, I should know this already.”

“Don’t worry about it, why would you know? You’re busy with your family and your business.” Liv wipes her mouth with a napkin and says, “My daughter is eleven months old. Her name is Rain.” She takes out her phone and shows me a picture of a grinning baby.

“Aww, she is adorable,” I say, smiling. “That’s really close in age to Sabine. We should have a playdate sometime.”

“I would love that.”

“Tell me more about you.” I don’t know if it’s guilt talking, or if it’s the endorphins from this delicious meal or what, but I find myself being genuinely interested in Liv’s life.

Liv takes a sip of her milkshake. “Okay, hmm, let’s see. I have an eleven-month-old daughter, I’ve been married for three years…I have a degree in computer science from Berkeley—”

“What?” I practically shout, making her jump. “Seriously?”

Liv looks at me. “Uh. Yeah? Why, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing, just that you’re a bona fide genius!”

She laughs. “Oh god, hardly. I mean, am I using my degree? Nope, not at all.”

I cock my head. “Why not?”

“Well, after I graduated, I interned at a tech start-up in NorCal for a while, and it was brutal, man. All that crap you hear about tech bros? It’s true, every single one of them. Like, completely insufferable.”

I snort. “Really? More insufferable than influencers?”

We’re both cackling now. “About the same,” Liv says when our laughter fades. “But in a different way. And maybe I would’ve been okay with it if I didn’t realize something.” Her face turns serious.

“What?”

“That…I hate programming.”

I stare at her. “Seriously?”

She nods. And again, we both burst out laughing. “You’d think I would’ve realized that sooner, right? Before I devoted four years of life to computer science?” Liv cries. “But I didn’t! I guess like, I loved learning about it, but actually having to do it, and stare at the code for hours, sifting through it looking for bugs? Fuck, that was boring as shit. And I just thought—this is it. This is what my life will be for the next forty years. And I kind of uh—went through a depressive episode.”

“A quarter-life crisis,” I say.

“Yeah, exactly. And I was vlogging about it, you know, just putting my thoughts out into the ether, and I started gaining followers. When I got to thirty thousand followers, I decided it wasnow or never. I was going to make the jump and become an influencer, see how it goes.”

“Wow.” I’m genuinely blown away. Who would’ve thought? “That’s amazing.”

Liv smiles at me. “You know, you were a huge part of that decision.”

“What?” I goggle at her.

“Yeah, when I got pregnant, the algorithm started suggesting all this mommy content to me, and some of it was yours.” Liv’s eyes are bright as she gestures enthusiastically. “That was when I started following you, and your content was just so amazing! I loved everything; your videos were such a highlight to my days. Your yummy recipes, your supercute kids—you made it all look so fun and easy. I was like, ‘This is the kind of mom I wanna be.’ ”

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