Page 24 of Well, That Was Unexpected

“Um. Uh. Yeah.”

Nainai looks at me then. Really looks, not the careless glance she did outside the café. Despite her obvious old age, her gaze is as sharp as anyone else’s, and I feel as though she’s carving me open and looking straight into my blackened soul.

After a century has passed, she nods and smiles her first real smile at me. It transforms her entire face, her wrinkles shifting and curving dramatically. “You have good face,” she says in English. “Look, she got lucky nose, ya? Mancung sekali. And her forehead so high. Is mean good luck, you know.” Then she leans forward. Before I can react, Nainai grabs my left earlobe. I jump up like a shocked rabbit, and she laughs, still gripping hold of it. For an old woman, her grip is surprisingly strong. “Look at her ears!”

“Er, Nainai, could you maybe let go of Sharlot’s ear?” George says.

“Tch, don’t interrupt your grandmother!” Eighth Aunt snaps, and George and I shrink back automatically. Well, I try to shrink back, but it’s impossible with my ear still caught in Nainai’s unforgiving grip.

“This,” Nainai announces to everyone, “is what we call Buddha ears. You see how the lobe so fat and so long?”

Okay, I have never had my ears be fat-shamed, but I guess there’s a first for everything.

“Very good-luck ears. Means you will have very great fortune,” Nainai says. Finally,finally, she releases my ear and I sag back in my seat, my heart racing and my pits sweaty. I really did not foresee having my ear accosted by an old woman today. Nainai smiles and reaches out for me once more and I can’t help but flinch. But this time, she just pats my cheek gently. “Oh, Nainai is so happy you are Ming Fa’s girlfriend.”

Who the hell is Ming Fa?

“Ming Fa is my Chinese name,” George mumbles, as though reading my mind.

“Ah, right.”

“And what is your Chinese name?” Nainai says. “I don’t like all these modern English name, they have no meaning. How can you tell what kind of person if the name has no meaning? You see,Ming Fameans ‘Intelligence and Fortune,’ and my grandson exactly like that, ya kan?”

George gives a forced smile and shrugs. “Sure, Nainai.”

Oh my god. Welp. She’s about to learn that the kind of person I am is all wrong, just like my Chinese name. With some trepidation, I mutter, “Um. My Chinese name is Shi Jun.”

“Shi Jun,” Nainai says. “Oh my.” She nods at Eighth Aunt, who nods back with a smile. “Very good name. Warrior Scholar.”

Ah, she’s got the wrong characters, but who the hell is going to correct her and say,Well actually, it’s not Warrior Scholar, it’s Correct Bacteria. I nod. “Yep, Warrior Scholar, that’s what my Chinese name means.”

“Oh, so good. So, SO good!” Nainai cries happily. “Aiya, not like all these other girl, their names always so silly—Pretty Flower lah, Beautiful Moon lah. Who care about pretty flower? The girl who date my Ming Fa must be strong! Intelligent! Aduh, Ming Fa, Nainai is so happy you meet Shi Jun. Such fortuitous meeting, ya? So auspicious!”

“Ha…Uh-huh, so auspicious.” I laugh weakly, wishing I could disintegrate into an atomic level and dissipate into thin air.

“Am I detecting an American accent?” Rina says.

“Yeah, I’m American. Just visiting for the summer. Temporarily. You know, just for the summer,” I say again, making sure they all understand that I’m not hanging around.

Rina’s eyes widen. “Wow, a long-distance relationship. At your age, that must be really hard. I mean, it’s hard at any age, really.”

“Aduh, must be so hard for my poor Ming Fa!” Nainai says. “But you not worry, okay? You two can fly, visit each other often,ya?”

George and I smile at each other with wide, horrified eyes. “Yeah, totally…,” I hear myself say.

Eighth Aunt says something and the cameras swivel back to capture her. I take the chance to catch my breath and try to regroup my thoughts, which are shattered. Just completely and utterly destroyed. My whole mind is a mess. It’s such a mess, in fact, that it takes a moment to realize that Rina’s speaking to me again. “I’m sorry?”

“Will you be attending the launch as well?”

“What?” What launch?

“Yes, oh, what an excellent idea, Rina,” Eighth Aunt cries. “Just brilliant! Yes, who better to make an appearance at the launch of OneLiner than Sharlot? She of all people would know what a gentleman George is and what a great role model he makes for teenage boys. Oh, I love this idea. Maybe we can even arrange for a speaking slot during the event.”

WHAT EVENT?

Rina nods, obviously pleased at Eighth Aunt’s approval. “Wow, okay. I’m very much looking forward to that. The launch event for OneLiner is going to be amazing!”

I’m going to faint. Or vomit. Or maybe both.

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