Page 85 of Dial A for Aunties

“Millennials,” Sheriff McConnell grumbles.

“Um, Tom hired most of us separately. I don’t know about these other guys, I think a couple of them are from agencies, but most of us are independent actors.”

Jacqueline shakes her head sadly, and Maureen hugs her close and kisses her cheek. Despite everything, the sight of them makes my heart melt, just a little.

“He paid us for like, a whole wedding experience, so that included a bachelor’s night, which took place last night. We partied hard; I guess none of us wanted to let him down. God, I remember drinking and seeing the sky lighten and I was like, ‘Shit, is it morning already?’ It was wild, man. And the morning was just a blur, like—I don’t know, people kept coming in and telling us toget ready or whatever, so we peeled ourselves off the floor and tried to get dressed, but it was a mess. The suite was a dump by the time we got through last night, everyone’s clothes were all mixed up and shit, I think one of the guys lost his tux, another lost his pants, and people kept coming in and out of the room. It was horrible. Oh, and a lot of us were puking from the party.” Henry sags into the chair and grabs his head. “My head’s killing me. Is that all you wanted to know?”

“No!” Sheriff McConnell snaps. “No, you idiot, I want to know about the body.”

“Oh, right, yeah of course. Yeah... man, I have no idea how that happened.”

Sheriff McConnell looks as if he’s about ready to explode. When he does talk, his voice comes out slow and deliberate, like he’s talking to a particularly slow child. “Well, let’s start with when you first realized there was a dead body.”

“At the altar, when Joshua—er, was it Joshua or was it Kegan—I really have no idea who was holding the body up. When they dropped him. Then I realized there was a dead body. No, wait, it was after that. ’Cause I was laughing, I thought the guy was just really drunk, but then someone screamed that he was dead, so then I knew,” Henry says, nodding with pride as if he’s solved the whole mystery.

I don’t dare meet anyone’s eye. I might burst out laughing, or crying. It’s surreal to see our plan actually get carried out.

“Before that,” Sheriff McConnell urges, “do you know who found the body? It must’ve been in the groom’s suite, right? And one of you must’ve found him; otherwise, how did he end up at the altar?”

“Um, I guess? I don’t know who found him. I told you, it was a mess. I don’t even know—oh man, I don’t even know how Iended up at the altar. It was like I blinked and then there I was. It was crazy. I was seriously tripping.”

“Who drugged you?” Sheriff McConnell roars.

“I mean, I don’t know. I’d like to know, that was some good stuff—er, I mean, yeah, that was really uncool, drugging us like that,” he finishes lamely. “You could wait until the rest of these guys sober up and question them. But I doubt any of them would know. We were all tripping haaard.”

Sheriff McConnell leans back in his seat with a groan and barks, “Just get out. All of you, out!”

“Aren’t you going to release Nathan?”

He glares at me, and there’s so much hate and anger behind his eyes that I almost take a step back. Almost, but not quite, because behind me, Ma places a reassuring hand on my back and I stand tall.

“I’m not leaving until you release him. You see, I think we’ve established that it was all an unfortunate accident that has nothing to do with Nathan, and you don’t have a case against him, or anyone. So close it. We’ve solved everything for you. You can tell mainland police you figured everything out on your own; we’ll back you on that. They’ll be so impressed by your work. Can you imagine the articles that’ll be written about you? You solved a death and a theft involving two million dollars’ worth of gifts!”

“Wah, you are the best police,” Ma says.

“Very best, number one!” Big Aunt says, holding her thumbs up.

“Oh yes, I tell all my WhatsApp friends, wah, lucky got such great police,” Second Aunt says.

“What a strapping hero,” Fourth Aunt simpers.

He’s torn, anyone can see that, between the implausibility of the situation and wanting to believe what we’re saying. He wants to believe it so badly. He knows he’s in way over his head, that he’s bungled this up beyond all measure. Better to claim that he’ssolved everything before the big boys from the mainland march in and take over.

Then, Maureen, accountant extraordinaire, steps in and says the words that tip the sheriff over to our side once and for all: “I’ll help you with the paperwork.”

Epilogue

I take a deep breath and push open the swing doors to Top Dim Sum. Noise spills out, a cacophony of Mandarin, Cantonese, Hokkien, and other Chinese dialects I can’t identify. At the reception desk, the host is already overrun by throngs of loud aunties and uncles asking about their tables.

“Oof,” I breathe out. I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to the noise of Sunday dim sum. A strong hand finds mine and gives it a reassuring squeeze.

“I’m hungry,” Nathan says, grinning down at me. “I can’t wait.”

“Ha,” I give him a weak laugh. I’m still half-convinced that one of these days he’ll realize what a crazy mess my family is and decide he’s better off without me. But no—I catch myself. No, he’s lucky to have me. I’m lucky to have him. We’re meant for each other. I smile up at him, and this time, my smile’s less nervous. “Come on, they’ve got a table already.”

We weave our way through the heaving crowd, into the main dining room.

“Meddyyyy!” someone yells over the noise, and I look over to see Ma and Fourth Aunt waving their arms like they’re one of those dancing balloon thingies outside of car dealerships. “Over heeeere!” they shout again, even though I’ve already waved in acknowledgment and we’re very clearly walking toward them. My family, I swear.

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