Page 98 of If This Gets Out

“It’s okay.”

He puts his hand on my shoulder, and I look up into his eyes. There’s a sureness there. Something unflinching. “You know it’s okay if it’s not, right?”

I sniff, wipe my eyes, and shrug.

“Hey, look at me,” he says, putting a hand on my cheek.“I’m here for the tough stuff, too. This isn’t just about us hooking up. If you want that.”

“You’re sure I’m not annoying you? You can say if I am.”

“I’m sure. I’ll stay as long as you want.”

“Cool. Can we cuddle for a while or something?”

“Of course.”

We move to the bed, and lie down together, with him as the big spoon. He pulls me to his chest, so our bodies are pressed together.

“You never annoy me, you know,” he says, as he presses a kiss to the back of my head. “You don’t need to pretend to be happy if you’re not. You’re perfect just the way you are.”

I close my eyes.

I’m so lucky I have Ruben. Without him, right now… I don’t know what I’d do.

I do know I’ll do whatever I have to do to protect this.

We’ve finally been allowed out of our hotel rooms. It’s just for a magazine interview and lunch, but still. At this point, I’ll take anything.

Now the four of us are walking along the Langelinie promenade in Copenhagen. It’s supposed to seem like we’re here for fun, just checking out the sights, but it’s all fake. Erin has been making sure we all take lots of “casual, candid” selfies and the like, that will get posted if Chorus deems them good enough. She even called Jon out for not taking enough.

I’m walking beside Ruben, but it feels different. An entire squadron of Chase guards is around us. But hey, at least we’re out of the hotel. Finally.

Ruben catches me looking and smiles. I really wish I could hold his hand.

My phone starts buzzing in my pocket. I check, and see that it’s Mom, so I let it ring out.

I know I’m being a little immature, and I should just talk to her. Or, at the least, I should call her back. I type out a text message instead, and try not to feel bad about the short, clipped replies I’ve been giving her ever since I came out to her.

Sorry. Going to an interview. Will call later.

Okay good luck. U will crush it. Love mom.

“Hey, Ruben, Zach?” calls Erin, from behind me. “A word?”

“Sure.”

We fall back, so we’re walking with her, out of earshot of the others. Just behind us, scarily close, are the guards.

“You guys are being really obvious right now,” she says, under her breath.

We were just walking.

We weren’t doing anything.

But whatever. This isn’t just about me. It’s also about Angel and Jon. And, honestly, I don’t want to fight right now. I don’t have enough fight in me to.

Ruben and I move apart.

Jon sees this happen, and he falls back, so he’s walking beside me. Ruben shoves his hands into his pockets, but doesn’t say anything, pretending to be taken in by the sights.

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