Page 37 of Rampant

I stepped onto the porch and took the letters, and our fingers brushed together. A shiver went through me as I thought of the answers I might find inside the envelopes, but there was no way in hell I’d leave her out here alone when she seemed ready to jump out of her skin.

“I’m not leaving you out here by yourself. You can go inside and wait. I’ll read them on the porch.”

She still wouldn’t meet my gaze. “Is Jax home?” she asked.

“No. It’s just me.” Did being alone with me make her feel more threatened? “I’m not going to hurt you, Alex.”

She looked up, her expression so openly startled, I felt it to the bottoms of my feet. “I already know that.” Without another word, she moved past, her shoulder grazing my arm, and entered the cabin. The screen door swung shut behind her. I didn’t move at first, still too stunned and barely grasping the fact that Alex had really shown up at my door.

Finally lowering to the first step, I eyed the bundle of envelopes. The one at the top of the pile had a date on it—just a few months after I’d gone to prison. Removing the rubber band that held them together, I noted how they were all dated. I opened the first one and pulled out a sheet of paper.

Rafe,

It’s been three months, four days, thirteen hours, and some odd minutes since I felt your eyes on me in the courtroom. I’m a horrible person for so many reasons. I took your freedom, and I’m not dumb. I know I wrecked your career too.

But I can’t come forward about your innocence. I’ve tried. You don’t know how many times I’ve fingered my cell, even looked up the number for the detective who handled my case. I went to my father’s car once, keys in hand, and got behind the wheel. I’m not even old enough to drive by myself yet, but I wanted to go to the police and tell them…things.

You’re still in that place, so obviously, I didn’t. It’s taken me this long just to put pen to paper and write you a letter I have no intention of sending. If I’m smart, I’ll destroy this after I’m done.

But I won’t.

I need someone to talk to, and you’re the only person I want to talk to. Besides, the thought of ripping this up is too painful, as if these words were never real. As if my feelings for you don’t exist. I’m selfish like that. Keeping my mouth shut is something I have to do, for your sake, for mine. But I need to lean on you right now. I still remember the day of my mother’s funeral. It was the first and only time you put your arms around me. You’re the only person who’s ever told me the words I always needed to hear:

Everything will be okay.

I love you even more for that. And God, I miss you. Your laughter made the pain in my life a little more bearable. Your presence was the only thing that had the power to make me smile, and I’ve always loved the jittery feelings you stirred in my stomach. I have a few friends at school, no one that close. Definitely no one I can confide in, but sometimes they talk to me. They complain about those flutters, say they lose their tongue and can’t talk to guys.

It’s never been that way with you. That jittery feeling always made me feel alive and connected to you. And we talked all the time, about your dreams of making it to the UFC, about your family. About mine. I envy the closeness you have with your dad. And I know you don’t get along with your brother, but at least he isn’t—

Never mind. Family is a sore subject for me. I used to pretend that you were there for me and not my brother, that you needed to be around me as much as I needed to be near you. I know I’m lying to myself with that one. I’m just a kid. No one important. Someone who isn’t worthy of you. I never was, and now, after what I’ve done, I never will be.

I don’t have the courage to put into words why I did what I did. Maybe someday I will. Maybe someday I’ll pour it all out into a letter and actually send it. Actually do the right thing. But I can’t, because I’m just as trapped as you are.

I need you to know this, Rafe. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, and it’s taken over my heart and each beat hurts, especially because I know you’ll never forgive me.

But please try.

Yours always,

Alex

Intense relief settled in, and I wiped the sweat from my brow. I hadn’t raped her all those years ago. Her own words proved it. I tore into the stack of her secrets like a starved man, needing more. Most of them were similar to the first, yet the tone shifted with each envelope as time moved forward. A prominent note of desperation and self-hate tainted the ink of her words. Then I came across a letter that branded my insides like a hot iron.

Rafe,

I don’t know what to do! I’m so scared. He’s out of control. He put my science partner in the hospital today, all because the guy asked me out on a date. I wish you were here. I know it’s irrational to wish that. I’m the reason you are where you are. It’s all my fault. My existence has caused so much pain for others.

You’re the only one I can talk to you about any of this, yet I’m still not being honest. I’m still holding stuff back. I’m afraid if I write it out, something really bad will happen. I know I’m being paranoid. Spelling out the words won’t bring the ceiling down, yet I can’t make myself do it.

I wish I were stronger. My mom was strong. I see that now. She let go of this painful Earth because she felt she had no other choice. I hate that she left me, but I understand it now.

I wish I were as brave.

Yours always,

Alex

My hands shook as I pulled out another folded piece of paper. Her words became darker the more I read, and I was close to going inside the cabin and forcing her tell me what she hadn’t said in the letters, but I couldn’t tear myself away.

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