Page 58 of The Fate Of Us

Like the weight of her words was so intense, I felt my head drop, my hands grippingmy head.

“But I think what’s more frustrating about this, is that you know that.” Alicecontinued, my head resting on my hands as I met her gaze. “I can’t begin to imagine how many times I’ve told you to talk to her, Nate, probably in the hundreds by now.”

For the first time since I’ve sat in this exact spot, over the countless years I’ve beenhere… I felt my heart rate spike. The way it does when I know an attack is coming on.

This has never happened in here before, so why was it happening now?

I wade through the panic that descends on me, searching for the reason, like I didwhen the same feeling woke me up in the mornings. But there was nothing. No reason. Just darkness. Pure, infinite darkness.

Breathe in.

Hold it.

Think about something good.

Breathe out.

As I recalled the way Addy's cheeks popped whenever she let me see that smile, the wayshe looked that night of the wrap party last year, the way her hair glowed when she was caught in direct sunlight, I felt myself ease back into the chair beneath me.

Maybe this was my body finally catching up on the years I’d been avoiding this.

I feel my head shake, the sting of tears stabbing at my lash line. “I don’t think I can…”I managed, my eyes springing to Alice, sympathy masking her features.

“That’s probably how she felt, you know, last year at this party you told me about.”

A million stills from that night ran across my mind. When all I saw was the silhouetteof us screaming at each other… it felt like the sun faded from the room, eclipsing any progress I’d made on my anxiety.

Breathe in.

Hold.

Think of Addy.

Out.

I shuffled in my seat, waves of dread washing over me and pushing my head down,drowning me. “I don’t want to talk about that night, Alice.”

“I know you don’t, hon, I know it was bad.”

Understatement: It was hell.

“I don’t know why I fucking try, Nate.”

“I’m glad you never showed up.”

“Maybe I never did love you.”

“Maybeyouneed to try this time.” My head sprang up. “Maybe, instead of havingthat conversation after slightly too strong cocktails, as you called them,”Flo. “Have it somewhere safe, where you both feel comfortable. Somewhere familiar… if you have a place like that.”

My ears caught on to the words she wasn’t speaking. I’d been through my whole lifestory a million times with this woman, she knew every detail and could recite it backwards if she so wished. I knew from the look in her eye that she and I were both thinking of the same place.

Sunfall.

“We’re due to leave New York in a few weeks, for L.A.” My eyes widened, a badchoice considering the sun was now directly shining on me.

“Sounds like a good time to stop by your hometown and have a wander… see whatold hideouts you stumble across.”

A genuine smile stretches across my face. “I don’t pay you enough.”

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