Page 57 of Christmas Home

Instead, we were back to him wanting to run away from me, just like he’d fucking done in the summer. The hell with that. I got up, wiped the tears away, and sat at my computer. Sometimes old-school worked better than new.

I sighed and shook my head as I began typing a letter so it would be easy for him to read. My handwriting sucked.

Dear Clyde,

I don’t know how to tell you how much it hurts me that you still don’t feel like you can trust me. I know from what you’ve told me about your past that relationships are hard. I get that learning to trust again isn’t easy.

Maybe you’re right. Maybe I need to step aside so you can be yourself without a relationship. Although accepting that scares me and makes me want to yell and flail my arms around like a child having a fit.

Despite that, if you need it, I will give you space.

I’m going to Nashville for a few days to give you that space. I care about you more than anyone I’ve ever cared about before.

I deleted the sentence I wrote about loving him. Neither of us were ready for me to go there yet, but care about, yes. I could admit that much.

I’m not going anywhere. I’m here for the long-term, and if my wanting more from you is too much, then we can be friends. I’d rather spend the rest of my life with you as a friend than lose you over pushing for more than you’re ready to give.

With all my heart,

Ruther

I sent the letter to the portable printer Corey had installed in the condo, then found an envelope in his stash of office supplies.

I wrote Clyde’s name on it, and when Corey returned from the party, I asked him to deliver the note after I left town.

“You’re leaving?” he asked.

I nodded. “I-I don’t know what to tell you, Corey. I know the man needs space, and I can’t keep up with the hot and cold, so yeah, I’m going to stay at a hotel for a while and spend some time touring Nashville. Text me when you get back to town, and we’ll get together for dinner.”

“Or you can just stay at my place,” he said, grabbing his key ring from his pocket and handing me the key. “I meant to give you a key anyway. You’ll be more comfortable there than in a hotel. I’ll see you tomorrow. Unless you need me now, I’m going to stay another night. I’ve been invited over—”

He paused, and I knew it was because of where he was going.

“You and Solace?” I asked to take the pressure off, and he smiled.

“Yeah, but I’ll be back tomorrow. What happened with you and Clyde? You both seemed okay.”

I sighed and shook my head. “He doesn’t think he belongs with the likes of me. He thinks I’ll eventually look down on himbecause he’s not famous or rich or whatever, I don’t know. I’m overwhelmed by the drama of it all. It’s not like I don’t have my own shit to deal with,” I admitted.

Corey put his hand on my shoulder. “I’m guessing maybe you need to let him in, let him see the real you, Ruther. No offense, but you can be a bit intimidating with your cool demeanor. And to be honest, I thought you looked down on me for years, until I got to know you.”

That took me aback. “What? I never did anything like that.”

Corey laughed. “You didn’t, no, but…you’re aloof, and your father, if nothing else, taught you to put on an air of confidence, which sometimes feels like arrogance. I know it’s not. I know you, Ruther, and know your heart is big, often too big for your own good. It’s one of the reasons I’d walk barefoot through glass for you, or more accurately, move to the middle of nowhere.”

“What do you think I should do? Tell him I’m a fucking mess and that he’d be better off running away and never looking back?”

“No, that’s the opposite of what I’m telling you. You should tell him you’re human, that you’ve got as many flaws as anyone, and that you love him. Have you told him that?”

I paused, thinking of the letter and how I’d deleted that admission. “He’s not ready for that or all my bullshit. Thanks, Corey, for letting me stay with you, and I’ll think about what you said, but please don’t forget to deliver that,” I said and pointed at the letter.

I was pleased I could stay at his place instead of a hotel. Corey was a real friend, and now we were working together as equal partners, that’d only begun to solidify even more. He knew me better than anyone.

I picked up my bag and stuff I needed for the time I was going to be away and headed out before Corey could give me any more advice.

As I drove past the café, I glanced up at Clyde’s apartment, only slightly disappointed I didn’t see him in the window. It didn’t matter. I was going to need to define this as much as he was because now that I’d written the letter, now that I was giving myself some time too, I realized I needed clarity as much as he needed space.

If it wasn’t our time to be lovers, so be it. But rejection stung, and although I don’t think he’d figured it out yet, his fear that I might reject him had certainly led to him rejecting me. I wasn’t without my own demons, and I’d come to Crawford City to heal myself, not create fresh wounds.

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