Page 55 of Christmas Home

I leaned back against Ruther, enjoying his larger, sturdy frame and the warmth that flowed out of him, while we enjoyed the concert. Corey stood a few paces away, his expression filled with longing. I looked up on stage and realized Solace had initiated such a response from the usually stoic man.

I got Ruther’s attention and gestured toward Corey, and Ruther chuckled. “Someone’s got it bad,” he said. Corey looked over at us and frowned.

“You two need to mind your business. Ain’t nothin’ goin’ on over here,” he said, using a put-on Southern accent.

“You shouldn’t do that. You sound like something got caught in your throat,” I said, causing Corey and Ruther to chuckle.

It made me happy to see Corey so enamored with another guy. To be honest, I still worried about what kind of relationship Ruther and Corey had, although they didn’t seem to show any interest in one another romantically.

Now that I saw Corey mooning over the jazz singer, I couldn’t help but smile. If he was having such a hard time hiding his interest in Solace, he would certainly not be able to hide any such feelings for Ruther.

That made me ponder things even more. I knew I had major trust issues. Since Ruther had come back to town, I seemed to be looking for flaws, some of which I’d found, but nothing pointed to me not being able to rely on him. From my perspective, he was completely trustworthy.

Despite that and the ongoing support of my group and counselor, I hadn’t been able to let things progress between us.

Yes, we cuddled, hugged, held hands, and kissed. Kissing Ruther was by far my most favorite pastime. But going further scared the shit out of me.

Until now, I think I was letting my fear about him and Corey keep the boundaries up. Now, would this change things?

I realized immediately it wouldn’t. I just wasn’t ready for things to turn sexual. Not yet. I needed more time and more of…something. What, I wasn’t sure. It’s not like I wasn’t sexually attracted to him. God help me, I wanted Ruther in every way possible.

And there it was. I wanted him, craved him, hungered for him, and that’s what was in my way. Fear that I was getting attached to someone who’d end up not being who he appeared to be. That once we went all the way, he’d turn into Jimmy or one of the other regrettable men I’d dated.

I shook off the ugly thoughts and focused back on the Christmas concert. I wouldn’t be solving this tonight, and maybe not anytime soon. But at least I could enjoy being here and sharing this moment with Ruther. Hopefully, he felt the same.

forty-five

Ruther

Ilaughed as JenniferCole teased her husband, Jesse, and again admired what a long-term loving relationship actually looked like. Lance and Jake had come down a moment earlier, and Jake was cooking what I assumed was an egg dish from the way it smelled.

Jen, as she’d instructed me to call her, wasn’t home very often, on account of her modeling career. I’d met her several times at New York parties, but we’d never really spoken. It was still surprising that such a famous model had grown up here and was now my landlord.

“Where’s that handsome man my stepmother can’t stop talking about?” Jennifer asked as soon as I stepped in.

“He’s at his apartment,” I said, almost commenting on her assumption that he’d spent the night with me. Then I figured she and the rest of the town must think we were shacking up, considering I couldn’t seem to keep my hands off him in public or private.

“Well, invite him over,” she said and turned.

“Okay, I’ll be right back.”

“Wait, you can’t just text him?” she asked.

I swallowed hard, not wanting to admit I didn’t have his number, nor did I want to lie. “No, he doesn’t—”

“You don’t have his number,” she said. I shook my head. “Well, never mind, I’ll call my stepmother.”

I didn’t want to look at anyone. How embarrassing was it that we were practically in a relationship, or actually were in one without a label, and something as simple as exchanging phone numbers hadn’t happened?

I laughed a few moments later when Mrs. Cole blocked Jen from bothering Clyde. “It’s not like I’m going to stalk him,” Jen said. “I just wanted to invite him over for breakfast.”

She listened to whatever her stepmother had said, then laughed. “Maybe, but it’s not fair. You won’t make those special for me, and no, I don’t want you to teach me how to make them myself.”

She listened for another minute, looking amused, then said goodbye and hung up. “Seems you aren’t the only one who won’t be getting his number, Ruther, but she said she’d text him and let him know we want him over here and with his cinnamon rolls. Which,” she said, looking at me accusingly, “you didn’t tell me he had.”

I laughed. “One must keep one’s secrets, and if you must know, I was saving that bit of information for my own selfish reasons.”

“And mine,” Corey said behind her. He’d crashed at my place after he and Solace spent too much time walking around after the performance—enjoying the lights, Corey had said.

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