Page 27 of Christmas Home

I patted his back, letting the excitement from walking Clyde home and Corey’s excitement over the project propel me to the bedroom.

I looked over at the curtains I’d pulled tightly shut to hide my view of where my family’s former home stood. On a whim, I threw the curtains open and stepped out onto the balcony.

It was too dark to see the house, but the little bandstand in the park was lit up, making it look all the more welcoming. I glanced back up toward the darkness, where I knew the house stood behind the trees, and was pleased not to have to fight the usual panic.

Was it because it was too dark to see? Maybe, but when I’d first gotten here, just knowing the view included it was enough to send me over the edge. No, I was better, and it was all because being here wasn’t the terror it had been just a few days ago.

Now Crawford City was full of hope. Hope for a project I was getting as excited about as Corey, and hope for more with Clyde. More what? I had no idea. I know he told me he wasn’t interested, and I would respect that as long as he felt that way.

That didn’t mean I wasn’t hopeful. Those glimmers of possibility were enough to propel me into a different place around my trauma. I wonder what all the therapists I’d gone through over the years might say about that.

twenty-four

Clyde

Ipeered out mymotel room door, double-checking the creepy man wasn’t watching and waiting for me. When the coast was clear, I slipped out and through the parking lot toward town.

I sighed in relief as I approached the donut shop. I hadn’t been anywhere but the café and the grocery store since arriving, and I figured I needed to expand my horizons a bit. I ordered a long John and hoped it would taste as delicious as the place smelled.

A good-looking guy behind the counter took my order. I almost thought he was gay until a woman carrying a wiggling toddler and tugging a kindergarten-age child came in and kissed him. Not that I should be speculating about who was gay or not anyway. I wasn’t interested, I reminded myself for the umpteenth time. The guy, even if he was bisexual and not in a relationship, wasn’t my type anyway. Too skinny, too, well…not enough. I like my men bigger, meatier, like Ruther. I inwardly sighed. No, no, not like Ruther. I’m not looking—

The young couple were cute together. The woman wanted to help, but the toddler wasn’t having any of it. Eventually, she kissed the man again, then pulled the kids back out of the bakery. I watched as the sweet young family headed for the swings in the park just beyond the shop.

Would that ever be my reality? I doubted it. I think I’d have loved having a family, though. Lord knows I’d helped raise my nieces and nephew. Being the youngest—significantly younger than my siblings—meant I was a built-in babysitter for their kids.

I enjoyed watching them grow up. Now they were all teenagers and hardly had time to acknowledge me when I did come home, which was seldom. Such is life, I guess. Once again, I wish I’d been closer to my family.

They weren’t particularly religious or anything, but they were also not great about me being gay. My dad’s abusive nature didn’t lend itself to a close-knit family either. After my parents divorced, Mom married another abusive man, divorced him, and married another. I hadn’t been around enough to know if the latest husband was abusive, but I didn’t doubt it, if history was any indication.

My sisters had done the same, but unlike Mom, they’d at least gotten rid of theirs and kept another one from coming in. Me, well, I’d followed the same pattern as Mom, except I got rid of mine before I could tie any knots. Fortunately for me, gay men didn’t procreate without planning and outside help, so children never factored into my messy relationships.

Small blessings, I guess. I sat pondering that as I finished my donut and coffee.

“Can I get you anything else?” the cute dad asked me from behind the counter.

I smiled at the thought of surprising Ruther and Corey. “Yeah,” I said before thinking better of it, “can you box me up a couple of your jelly donuts to go?”

He nodded and went to do as I asked. It was still early and probably crossing some line by just stopping by, but isn’t this what a friend would do? Besides, if we were going to drink wine, we needed full stomachs. That’s the excuse I could use. Mostly, I just wanted to see Ruther because seeing him kept me from thinking about my own bullshit. That’s probably codependency, but it sure beat being alone to dwell on things.

I rushed out of the bakery and down the road toward Ruther’s place, as I now thought of it, and was just about to go inside when I glanced back toward the street. A black pickup drove by, going way too fast for this part of town. I didn’t recognize the truck, but shit, shit, shit, was that—

I shook my head. No, the creepy guy from last night had just frayed my nerves. Jimmy wasn’t here, and he sure as hell didn’t drive a black pickup truck. He loved his crappy old Corvette, which ran horribly and smelled like exhaust inside.

Despite being sure that Jimmy driving by was just my imagination, I dashed into Ruther’s building. I took a few moments to still myself inside the front door and was just about to enter the hotel side, since I didn’t know where Ruther’s condo was, when Corey stepped into the hallway.

“Hi,” he said when he spotted me. “How are you this morning, Clyde?”

I smiled. “I decided to bring treats for you and Ruther,” I said and handed him the box, feeling way too awkward all of a sudden. “I-I figured we needed a full stomach if we’re going to drink this afternoon, so…anyway, I’ll see you around noon.” I turned to go.

“Wait, I’m sure Ruther would like to see you. We’re going to Jake and Lance’s soon to review some preliminary numbers fora project we’re considering, and I was about to talk to the hotel manager about…anyway, Ruther would probably like to thank you.”

I swallowed hard, resisting the urge to run. Instead, I nodded and followed Corey to the second floor and into the condo.

“Ruther, we’ve got company, and he brought…what did you bring?” Corey asked and looked into the box. “Oh, you are naughty.” Humor spread across his too-handsome face. “Ruther, he brought jelly donuts!”

I blushed. “Sorry, do you not like them?”

Corey laughed. “I’ve gained ten pounds since I’ve been here. Ten, and I’m not even exaggerating. I’m going to have to run an extra five miles on the treadmill to get rid of this, but it’ll be worth it.”

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