Page 68 of A Midlife Gamble

‘I definitely like how tall I am,’ Kay said. She turned her copy around, so they could all see.

And there they were. Showgirls in bejewelled bras and enormous feathers.

‘They could at least have altered our faces,’ Helen said. ‘You know, used the magic eraser, or whatever it is, to rub out a few lines. Except for Caro.’ She picked up her reading glasses. ‘Caro’s forehead looks great.’

‘Ah well,’ Caro smiled, ‘I’m going to stop that.’

‘Botox?’

‘Shook…’ Caro started, and then stopped. She hadn’t worked out what she was going to say. Shook had told her it would be nice to see her frown, but that wasn’t the reason she’d decided to stop. She was comfortable in her skin. That was the reason. Maybe, for the first time in her entire life she really felt comfortable with herself. ‘It’s not that he’s said anything…’

‘You don’t have to explain, Caro,’ Kay said quietly.

‘Well.’ She ran her finger around the rim of her glass. ‘I have to admit that he said he’d like to see me frown.’

‘So would I,’ Helen said softly.

Caro nodded.

‘But I don’t think I will any time soon. Frown that is. You’re too happy with him.’

‘I am,’ she said, turning to Helen. ‘I’m very happy.’

‘When are you going to tell him?’ Kay asked.

‘Well…’

Marianne clasped her hands together under her chin. ‘Well?’ she echoed.

‘Well…’ Caro took a deep breath in. The atmosphere at the table had turned playfully encouraging. As if they were a bunch of schoolgirls, egging each other on to get her to accept a date. It was silly, and for a moment she felt like an imposter. This wasn’t her terrain. She’d never been the schoolgirl who got asked on a date, she’d never even been the schoolgirl, surrounded by a gaggle of girlfriends. The first and only tight group of friends she’d ever had were Helen and Kay. But what did it matter if it was coming a little late in life? If she was fifty-one, not fifteen. Her friends were here, and a new one too, because there was Marianne grinning like a Cheshire cat across the table, every one of these women opening up their hearts to share and amplify the moment. A happy moment in a life that had been a little short on happy moments. She remembered the image of Shook’s hand, resting on the ring box. She understood now why he’d done it. Why he’d given her the preview. He’d shown her an image of what it could be like, and then stepped back to let her think it through. And although he’d been right in knowing that she needed time, neither of them had understood that there was another, equally important factor. Courage – to let go, yes, of the reins of life and simply accept there were things that could not be planned for, or predicted. Like this proposal, which had definitely not been planned, just as any subsequent marriage it resulted in could not be predicted. Life wasn’t a spreadsheet, it was far more of a gamble. And if she chose to relax and accept it, this belated scene of smiling friends could be exactly where she was supposed to be. ‘Well…’ she said again, ‘I can’t tell him now. I mean it’s too late… I’ll wake him.’

‘I don’t think he will mind,’ Marianne said.

And for a moment Caro sat, frozen with the expectation she had created.I can’t,she wanted to say, but of course she could. She could just pick up her phone now, press Shook’s number and call him. She looked from one to the other.

Marianne winked at her.

Kay nodded.

‘Stop thinking,’ Helen whispered. ‘Just do it.Do something spontaneous.’

‘I already have,’ Caro laughed. ‘This trip.’

‘So do something else spontaneous!’ Kay said.

‘Ok… ok.’ Caro reached for her phone. Why not? Why not rush headlong into this moment of joy and why not share it, with these women. With Helen, resolutely weaning herself off the crutches upon which she had leaned for too long. With Marianne, stoic as a veteran, in the face of crushing disappointment. And with Kay. Dear Kay, looking at her right now with an expression of happiness that Caro felt she would have done anything to prolong. Anything at all.

The phone rang out.Once, twice, three times before Shook’s voice, heavy with sleep answered. ‘Caro?’

‘Yes,’ Caro said quietly.

And from the other side of the world, there was silence.

‘Yes,’ she said again. ‘I want to hear the story.'

No one spoke. Helen reached out and grabbed Kay’s hand and squeezed it.

‘Caro?’ Shook’s voice was heard across the table.

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