Page 32 of Liberating Love

“Anyway, your uncle got pissed that there were certain things I didn’t want to do, but one year I suggested we stay home for Christmas. You boys were still little and I talked your mother into it. We still got along back then. But your uncle got mad and told her I never loved her. It’s true, I hadn’t loved her to begin with, but by the time we had you, Jameson, I did. She was such a good mother to Jovany, and we were young. We were still in college when she got pregnant and when I married her, it became us against the world. Our relationship evolved and became something special. But after your uncle told her that, she quickly became bitter. She checked out of our marriage, and to a large degree, she ceased being the wonderful mother she’d been to you boys up to that point.”

Jameson drops his head onto Jovany’s shoulder. “Wow.”

Jovany stares ahead sightlessly. “Is that why no matter how she treated you, Dad, and how bad she got with Jameson, I still couldn’t give up on her?”

I nod. “I think so, son. You’re older. You had longer with the mother whose life revolved around her sons. You weren’t even two months old before I forgave her for lying to me about being on birth control. As I got older, I decided that was my own damn fault, anyway. We had graduated high school and I could’ve just broken up with her. Chet had left to go away for college by then, so your uncle didn’t have this big, huge hold over me. But your mother and I had already been together for two years and we were in the same local jr. college, which made it feel a lot like an extension of high school and I guess… I got complacent. Our relationship was comfortable. Even after all that time, I’d really only become fond of her, and really wasn’t figuring her into the equation on where I went from there with my associate’s degree. I was thinking about leaving for a bigger college, experiencing other things. I think she saw the writing on the wall and...” I trail off.

Jameson sits back up straight, a small grin appearing on his face. “Ah, that’s where theBoys, I expect you to always use a condomspeeches came from.”

“It is.” I stick my tongue out at the little shit.

“So why now, Dad?” Jovany leans forward, planting his elbows back on his knees.

“Because the years since my arrest have taught me some valuable things about myself and about life. I have to be true to who I am, and I hope you guys can accept it. If I date a man, I want you to be okay with that. But more than that, I don’t think any of us can truly heal until we have all the facts.”

Jameson’s head tilts, and he asks, “Truly heal what?”

“Well, you need to heal your relationship with your mother. And before you protest, I can’t promise she really got pregnant on purpose. That’s speculation on my part, but she was constantly going on, as far back as our first date, about how we could get married and have babies and the perfect family. I really think if she did trap me it was more because she worried that if we didn’t get serious, her family would never let her out from under their thumbs. That whole damn family had always been controlling of their kids, and back then your mother… she wanted her own life. And the rest of it, I wanted you to understand why your mother’s so bitter. More importantly, I want you to know how very much she loved you both, from the minute you were conceived.”

Jameson rubs the back of his head. “Dad, I’m not even sure she wants to have a relationship with me. She was horrified I’m gay, and she told me to stay away.”

“Well, I’m sure that has a lot to do with the feelings it stirred up from what her brother said he saw that day to coerce me. But if you get the chance, I want you to try, Jameson. For me.”

We sit in silence, waiting as he gives my request thought. “Maybe, if it comes up, I’ll try.”

“Thank you, son.”

Jovany’s calculating gaze is unwaveringly upon me. “How come we never knew you and Jack were friends, Dad? How come we never met Chet or Dwayne? They said they were your childhood friends. Why didn’t you ever let us meet them? Hell, we never even knew you had friends.”

“I wanted to protect them, especially Chet. I knew the guys would take your uncle on if I said anything to them back then, and I didn’t want Chet to feel pressured to come out. They all knew Francesca liked me and that her brother and his friends were leaning on me to date her, so… I pulled away and let them think whatever hell they decided to. From the minute I started dating her senior year, I retreated. Hell, the only reason we even ended up getting one picture together at our high school graduation was because our parents rounded us up. They had pictures of us through the years and they demanded it. Secretly, I was so damn happy about that. The guys took the opportunity to squeeze me tight and tell me they’d always be here if I ever needed them. It was a bittersweet night having to walk away with Francesca’s family after that to celebrate.”

“They knew though, didn’t they?” Jovany asks. “Your friends, I mean. They knew something had to have happened.”

“Dwayne cornered me once and said he didn’t know what your uncle had on me, but he knew I wasn’t dating her because I fell for her all of a sudden. I used to catch Chet watching me with haunted eyes, so one day I found him and told him everything was fine, that I was doing what I wanted to do. Jack was the easiest to keep in touch with through the years, though, once high school was out and I didn’t have a Caputo or one of their friend’s eyes on me. He stayed working at the pizzeria, so I used to stop in sometimes, and when he wasn’t busy, he’d sit down and tell me what everyone was up to. Keep me up to date. And I’d show him pictures of you guys, and tell him how you were doing so that he could tell the others. It was the best I could do.”

“Oh, Dad,” Jovany says on an exhale.

“Like I said, those were different times, and I was young. The Caputo family had been a force to reckon with in the police department and on the streets long before your uncle became chief. I just didn’t think I had any options to save Chet from the spotlight and we were so damn close to graduating. I would have done anything to let him finish out school in peace.”

“I guess it’s not completely different yet, is it, Dad?” Jameson asks me sadly. The weight of his mother’s decision to remove him from the family unless he renounced his relationship with me and his homosexuality weighs on me like a ten-gallon shackle. That isn’t the Francesca who carried these boys in her womb.

Deciding we’ve all had enough heavy for one day, and not sure how to broach the topic of whether they’d be weirded out by me dating a younger man—one their age instead of my own—when I’ve just told them I even like men, I walk to the couch and squeeze between them and sit down. “Things in this world may not be completely right yet, son, but they’re changing. Getting better.” I put an arm around each of their shoulders. “But your uncle is right about one thing, family is valuable, and you boys are mine. Together, I think we can face anything.”

As Jovany rests into me, I hear him mutter, almost as if to himself, “I hope you’re right, because I have a feeling we haven’t seen anything yet.”

12

Aiden

This week has been incredibly stressful. Not just with work, but at home, too, and I’ve been looking forward to going over to Delaney’s today. But as I stare at my mother sitting in front of the television but staring off into space, I know I’m not going to be able to.

I carry a bowl and a glass of water into the living room and set them on the TV tray next to the couch. As I bend over to move the tray in front of her, I say, “Here’s your lunch, Ma.”

She startles and blinks up at me before she smiles. “Thank you, dear.” She reaches up and runs a hand over my hair. “When did you cut your hair, Noah?”

A sinking sensation settles in my stomach, and I clear my throat. “It’s Aiden, Mom. Your son.”

She blinks confused eyes at me, then scans my face. “Aiden, you look handsome today, sweetie.”

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