Page 14 of Heart Strain

6

Jameson

What in the hell is my problem tonight? I practically fist pumped the air when Holden said that Gavin guy wasn’t his boyfriend. Now, a flutter of butterflies has taken up residence inside my belly, beating their little wings against my insides every time I glance up to see Holden’s seriously lovely, sapphire blue eyes on me. In the hospital the first night, I was captivated by their beauty with the tears in them, but in one short dinner, I’ve discovered they’re so much more than that. They twinkle like a finely shined gem with laughter, shine bright when he speaks about the animals, radiate warmth when he says his brother’s name, and if I’m not mistaken, for an instant when he was staring at me while I tried to concentrate on the menu, they darkened to resemble stormy seas with lust. But no, right? That has to be my imagination, probably more like me projecting my incredibly mistimed and inappropriate desire on him.

“Jameson, are you okay?” he asks. Holden’s going to think I’m some kind of headcase if he has to keep asking me that.

I reach over and grab the glass of water the waiter left on the table and take a big gulp before I answer. “Yes. Yeah, I mean. I’m fine. Sorry.” I snort-chuckle for a minute, then look up across the table at him. “I don’t mean to keep acting weird. I think it’s because you and Hendrix look so much alike, which you should since your twins,” I babble on. “But the only person I’m used to going out and sharing meals with is lying in a hospital bed, and yet, here you are so it feels familiar but obviously, it’s not.”

“Oh, yeah, I guess since we’re identical it must be disconcerting for you right now. I never really thought about how it feels for you to have to look at his mirror image. Maybe us spending time together isn’t a good idea.” Holden suddenly looks and sounds so sad it hurts my heart a little. And his eyes, now they resemble a murky pond, washed out and hollow.

Not wanting to ever be the cause of him experiencing that depth of sadness again—although, I’m not really sure why I am in the first place—I say, “No. Nope, not what I meant at all. Believe me, there’s no way I can mix up you and your brother.” He raises one eyebrow at me in question, making me cackle. “Holden, seriously, your brother has this cocky, I’m-the-man-and-you-know-it thing going on all the time. God knows I love the guy, but it’s a little ridiculous.” Light begins to return to his sapphire blues. “Not only that, we’re cops, you know. Drix and I can’t ever just kick back and relax when we’re out somewhere together. We’re partners so we feed off each other. He scopes the room suspiciously, then the minute his eyes rest back on the table, I’m surveying the room for possible threats.”

Holden giggles. “Jameson, you’re always on alert, even without my brother. You went from staring at your menu, to making a sweep of the room, back to me, and then repeat. After we ordered, you transferred from the menu to your water. It must be second nature now.”

“Huh? Really?” I’m not unaware that I’m attentive to our surroundings, but I have Hendrix’s little brother with me for fuck’s sake. Of course, I’m keeping an eye out.

“But you frown a lot. Aside from the obvious concern we both have for my brother, what keeps pulling your lips down at the corners? What’re you thinking about?”

Holden really doesn’t remind me of Drix. Of course, they look a lot alike, well, practically the same in a lot of ways. They don’t actually appear the same at all. For one, Holden’s long, shoulder-length hair has been tied back since he got here, unlike how he wore it hanging around his shoulders back in school, and Drix has had a buzz cut for years. Then where Drix is built and muscular from all the time we’ve spent in the gym together over the years, Holden is more lithe. He’s by no means scrawny, but his lean muscle makes me wonder if he runs. Before I can think of a reasonable excuse for why I keep frowning—one that doesn’t have anything to do with how I’ve been sitting here battling a hard-on every time he bites his lip in concentration or how adorable I find it when his lips quirk up in an easy, happy grin—someone I’d rather not deal with right now approaches our table.

“I thought that was you, Jameson. How are you doing?” Russ asks. His voice is sexy. It always has been; it’s what drew me to him in the first place. It’s deep and growly. What I didn’t realize until we’d started dating was that it’s not natural. The man smokes entirely too many cigarettes a day, and at night, he can’t go to bed until he’s enjoyed a cigar—eye roll.

Turning my head to glance him up and down quickly, I say, “Fine, Russ. And how are you?”

“Good. Good. I’d heard your partner was shot, but apparently rumors aren’t to be believed.”

Holden’s eyes widen. The minute he begins blinking rapidly to fight the water pooling in the bottom of his eyes, I’m enraged. Standing up, I get right in Russ’s face. “This is Hendrix’s brother. Not that it’s any of your business. Please leave.” Russ tries to lean around me to get a better look at Holden, so I put my hand on his shoulder, subtly but firmly pushing him back to walk away. “I’ll see you around, Russ. Thanks for stopping by. Please do me a favor, though, and don’t bother in the future.”

The one thing—well, the only thing—I could always count on with Russ is for him to be highly inconsiderate. As he takes the hint to walk away, I ease back into my chair, only for him to hustle right back to our table and bend down to Holden who turns his body in his chair and tilts his head up at him. “If you need a shoulder to cry on, or perhaps a little extracurricular to take your mind off things, I can give you my cell number. We could get together, share a few drinks, have some laughs, and do whatever comes naturally.”

Holden’s eyes dry as quickly as they pooled as he blinks slowly up at Russ. Barely moving his head up, he whisper-talks to me out of the corner of his mouth, “Where did you find this guy?”

I can feel the color rising up from my neck as I shift uncomfortably in my chair. “We dated for a while,” I mumble.

Holden’s head whips toward me on his neck. I can hear the crack across the table from the movement. “You’re kidding me, right?” He keeps his head facing me, his eyes searching my face for… what, I don’t know. When I shake my head, only his pointer finger comes up to point at Russ, who’s still leaning over him, but is finally getting the clue that his advances aren’t being appreciated. “That? You’re all gorgeous and a good man, and you thought it made sense to date that?” He jabs his finger in Russ’s direction, but still hasn’t taken those blues off of me. If I’m not mistaken, it’s mirth at my expense shining through at me right now. And did he just call me gorgeous?

With a bashful grin, I shrug before cutting my eyes back to Russ. “Are you still here?”

Russ rolls his back and hurries away without a backwards glance. After watching him, I turn to face Holden who has turned back in his chair and has his arms folded up on the table in front of him. “I think I missed something,” he says.

“Uh… I date losers? Well, when I date at all.” I shrug, genuinely not knowing what else to say about that.

“How about we rewind to the part where you even date men at all. That definitely wasn’t a thing in high school. Do you only date men or do you date anyone or what?”

That’s when I realize what Holden’s referring to. I came out while I was away for college to my friends there, but once I came back home, the first person I told was Hendrix after we’d been at the police academy for six months, and then everyone else soon after. Holden wasn’t around by then and I can’t imagine why—

Before I can even finish my thought, his eyes get huge, and he says, “Oh my gosh. You’re Drix’s friend, Jameson.” I nod, not sure where he’s going with this. “Drix told me a buddy at the academy was gay. He called me,” his eyes somehow get even wider in his handsome face, “and asked for advice once about how to support you. Oh my, Jameson. I didn’t even think… he told me how your family was the worst and had tried to make you feel ashamed. He said they were downright cruel to you, but I’d never even connected it was you. I mean, the James we knew from high school, so it never… and you had all the other stuff… oh, Jameson. I’m so sorry. I should’ve connected it all when I discovered who you were, but with Drix… I’m sorry.” He slumps forward even farther onto his folded arms. The light totally leaving his face.

Without thought, I reach over and grab his arm, rubbing my thumb along the side of his soft skin. “Hey, it’s okay. You have a lot going on with your brother. I wouldn’t expect my drama from years ago to be in the forefront of your mind. I got through it. Your brother was a good friend, the best actually, and he helped me realize other people’s opinions of my life don’t matter. They don’t have to walk in my shoes, only I do, right?” He gives me a sad smile. “Come on, Holden. Cheer up. It’s not that bad.”

“Really? If that’s the type of guy you’re dating, it’s definitely that bad.”

I bark out a laugh, surprised by his sudden teasing, but thankful for it. “Yeah, okay, maybe parts are that bad. Sue me. I was lonely.” Not wanting to, I withdraw my hand before it can get awkward and shrug my shoulders at him.

Holden teases me, “That’s what hookup apps are for, Jameson. So you don’t end up dating,” his whole body shivers in his seat, “that.”

“Oh man, now you sound like Drix. I had such high hopes that I was finally going to have a Weston brother be on my side and not giving me shit all the time.”

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