Page 43 of Forever Not Yours

“I know.” I did. He looked awful. Exhausted.

“It’s constant. I keep having to think about every bloody thing I stick in my mouth, and Icalculate it right, and the thing still keeps going off when IknowI’ve dosed it up right.”

“Okay.” He was all over the place, we both were. “Bastien,” I said softly, moving closer, resting my hands on his shoulders and giving them a small gentle squeeze. “Let me sort it out. You go sleep, and I’ll keep an eye on you.”

“This one has a few hours’ charge. I’ll need to get up in the middle of the night and change it.”

“I’ll do that,” I promised. Nothing I hadn’t done before.

“And I’m not sure about the readings.”

“I’ll check. You’re feeling all right now?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll come scan you in an hour, make sure you’re still fine. And then I’ll check again when I go to bed. Swap the pump over.”

“I could…” He looked done. So absolutely done.

“What?” I tried to hug him, just gently, but he turned away in my arms.

“If I put the app on your phone, you’d get notifications if I’m crashing. But it’s annoying for you. It goes off if I’m just a tad off.”

“Nothing’s annoying.” I let him go and went in search of my phone, found it, and handed it to him, then stepped back and watched his fingers dance over the screen.

“You should change your code. It’s been the same for years.”

“And you still know how to hack all my accounts.”

“And your passwords. My birthday. You’re fucking predictable, Jakey.”

“Always.”

He dropped my phone on the kitchen counter, picking up his pump and stowing it in his waistband, then he tried to push past me, but I caught him, held him firmly in place, turning him so I had him wedged against the worktop. A smalloomphescaped his mouth. Still sore. Perhaps I should pull back, but at the same time, I needed things too. This. Just being close to him. The warmth of his skin under my fingertips. The stubble on his cheek. His handsome face. A soft kiss. Just him and me in a moment.

I loved when we had this, just a few seconds where things seemed to fall into place.

Calm. Silence. I needed that too.

“Bastien, I know this whole thing is a mess,” I whispered. “You and me. But trust me. I’m trying, and it’s all trial and error, trying to figure out what makes you tick. Whatever it is, I will find it, and I will give you whatever you want. I’m right here. Right bloody here. Whatever, whenever, always.”

“You always are,” he said quietly, looking down. I lowered my stance, caught his gaze and made him look back up at me.

“I am. And I make mistakes too. I’m really sorry I went too hard on you. Even more sorry that I didn’t talk to you about it beforehand.”

“I wouldn’t have…you know. Talked.”

“It’s just, you know. I’ve never been into relationships. I fuck people. People I know want it the way I give it. I like being in control. I like being rough. Like with the gloves, it makes it…impersonal in a way. Hard and heavy with no feelings. And those people I fuck like it like that too. I just got carried away, thinking you were into all that. I don’t even know why I thought that now because it’s not impersonal with you. It never has been, and I don’t want it to be. Maybe my head just got clouded and…well, maybe I’mjust me. I made a mistake. A massive error of judgement. And I won’t do it again.”

“I know. But…” He shook his head.

“Red,” I said softly. “I know.”

I kissed him, just the way I’d always wanted to kiss him. A comfortable fit against my mouth. A small content sigh in return. Like we were good again.

“I’ve got you,” I whispered. “Want to go for that walk? Make you sleep better?”

“A short one.”

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