Page 14 of Forever Not Yours

I fielded another call from Juliet and switched my phone to silent. Then I tried to make sense of mythoughts as I let myself into my flat. Third-floor, glass-fronted balcony, views over the fine city of London, a bit of greenery to the left and Hampsted Heath in the distance, the place had cost me dearly, but it was worth every draining mortgage payment. A modern space with huge windows letting light in and my breaths out. These were things that were important to me. I needed space and light and warmth and air. Solitude and peace. I also needed Bastien, something that had always been compatible with everything else. Bastien who was busy and here, there and everywhere but who always answered my calls and came to see me when he felt it had been too long since we met up. He always said he loved me, in that casual way, but that was what you said, wasn’t it? What you told your mates?

Well, I didn’t tell Gertrude and Hillary and Rafe and the rest of my colleagues at the clinic that, despite being very fond of them all. It wasn’t the done thing, and I doubted Kieron got those sweeping declarations of love from Bastien. I grimaced at the thought and screamed randomly at my fridge. I didn’t really haveany close friends apart from Bastien and Juliet and a few of his exes who checked in on me once in a while.

Bastien.

Heartbreak was one thing. Living your whole life with your heart singing for one person and one person only was another. The slow realisation that I might never see Bastien again?

Soul destroying.

That was me being overdramatic again.What happened on the stag night stayed on the stag night.Apart from that, here was Juliet’s name on my phone again, and I really should man up and take her call.

Which would mean me covering for Bastien in some way and no doubt lying to her.

I didn’t pick up. Instead, I got on my treadmill and ran for half an hour with my angriest metal compilation playlist in my headphones as the sweat poured off my body. Fear and anger and adrenaline were a lethal combination, and the run didn’t help. My heart was still beating too fast, anxiety rampant in my chest as I took a too-cool shower.

That didn’t help either, but at least I had no more missed calls from Juliet.

Not a word from Bastien, not that I expected it. I had to resign myself to the fact that this was what happened to people who never spoke again. Another growl of rage escaped my mouth as I kicked a poor, innocent toilet roll across the floor then paced my living room wishing I could figure out what to do next and how not to hurt, because I hurt. I hurt badly. So badly I couldn’t even put words to it.

I needed to eat, but there was no hunger left in me. Nothing. My bag was still by the front door, where I’d dumped it carelessly along with my discarded shoes.

Pathetic, Jake. Fucking pathetic piece of shit.

Tiredness swept over me, and I tried to go to bed, only to get up again and shout at my exhausted reflection in the bathroom mirror. I couldn’t settle. Couldn’t breathe.

What had I done?

I didn’t expect the strong rap on my door. Because there was only one person in the world that made that kind of knocking sequence. A calling card that would forever be ingrained in my brain.

And here he was, pushing the door open with his shoulder, his keys between his lips. Bastien had a keyto my flat, and I had a key to his, and he was carrying a ridiculous amount of stuff and…

The dog.

“Bastien, what the hell?”

He said nothing. Just plonked his belongings down on the floor and stood there staring out the window like he’d forgotten how to use his mouth.

The dog yapped. I wasn’t a dog person. Nor was Bastien, and she was running circles around his legs, shooting out into the communal hallway and back in again like an overgrown rat with sugar rush. Yap. Yap, yap, yap.

“What now?” I asked, arms flailing in the air. “Why are you here?” I was irritated beyond belief, mixed with a heavy dose of relief. Nice rhyme, but it made no sense.

“I rang Kieron to see if he’d let me stay for a while, but he wasn’t keen on the idea. Neither was I, to be honest.”

“Right?”

“So I came here.”

“Juliet?”I questioned.

He shook his head. Okay. He seemed to have run out of words. And what could I say? It wasn’t like he’d come here to declare his undying love for me, expecting us to skip into the sunset. No, this was typical Bastien. Running from his problems, one bad decision at a time.

He wasn’t here for me. He was here because who was the only person who would take his sorry arse off the streets?

Me, of course.

Always me. And here I was again, doing just that.

“You coming in then?” I said weakly. I hated myself. Hated that I couldn’t just slam the door in his face, lick my wounds and put this massive error of judgement behind me. Start over. Perhaps finally stand up for myself and chuck him out, but I couldn’t find a good enough reason to do it. So instead I nodded. Foolishly. I knew that.

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