Page 86 of Forever Not Yours

“I was thinking.” He turned around again, giving me access to continue to wipe him down. I smoothed carefully over his arse, leaving small kisses in my wake. I loved his body. I went out and replenished my towels, placed one neatly folded over his face. He hummed. Yeah. Mega spoilt. I continued down his body, smoothing down the fine hairs on his legs, smiling at the way he wriggled his toes as I cleaned his feet. And again.

“What were you thinking? I prompted.

“We spend time with my parents. I really want to go stay with yours.”

“They live in a flat.”

“We can afford a hotel.”

“No.”

“Jake.”

“Yes?”

“You’re a grown man. And your mine. You speak to your mum, like, once a month if she’s lucky. Go see them.”

“It’s complicated.”

“Of course it is. You’re a gay man. And they…they don’t know that. Do they?”

“My sister knows,” I protested, but he wasn’t wrong. I chose my battles, compartmentalised my life. Bastien knew. He’d always known all of this.

“But…” He sat up gingerly, grimacing as I gathered the sheet, and then stood beside the bed while I gave his backside another wipe-down.

“I should go shower,” he said, giving me an out. But I was me…and he was…

“You’re right,” I said quietly. “And whilst were on the subject, my parents are not like yours.”

“I know. I only met them at your graduation, and that was kind of weird. Like, my parents were showering you with flowers and taking photos, and your parents just stood there.”

“They love me,” I argued. They did. “Not everyone is alike.”

“We just energise our feelings differently,” he said, looking absolutely serious. “And it bothers you. I can tell every time we go see mine. You love the attention, but it stings.”

“It does.” Had I mentioned how much I loved him? How perceptive he was. How kind. Thoughtful. How he loved me sounashamedly these days. He’d changed, and I think I had too. Mellowed into this new version of me who was…happy.

I was really happy.

“I don’t want to rock the boat,” I admitted. “I like the distance. The phone calls. I get a card on my birthday. Not all of us need to be mothered like you do. Don’t get me wrong, I love your mum. Really. She makes me laugh, and the breakfast trays are insane, and the sitting on the side of the bed talking Flemish to you makes me all kinds of happy. I just don’t crave that from my mother. It’s not what we are, and that’s okay.”

“I just want you to be happy,” he said softly, reaching out and stroking my cheek. "I want you to have everything you want, even if it's things I can't give you. You need to get better at telling me what you need."

“You smell,” I said, grimacing as the odour hit me. Yeah. Filthy boy. “Go shower.”

"Don't change the subject. You always do when it's things you don't want to acknowledge. Like the fact that you deserve everything good in the world. That you are a fantastic person. The best partner I could ever wish for and the most brilliant lover. I'm being honest and truthful here, Jakey. I love you, and I love every part of you. Just the way you are. But if you need more? You need to open your mouth. You taught me that, remember?"

I just stood there, gulping air, feeling the blush creep up my cheeks. I supposed he was right. I wasn't good at taking these new compliments he was dishing out. They didn't always sit well with me, because there were still parts of me, that I hid. Not from him, but perhaps from the world. My parents. The way I lived my life. The future I wanted us to have.

“And if you ever want to go up north, just say the word. I’ll drive. Book us a fancy place to stay. Sort all that out.” He said quietly, reaching up and pulling me down for a kiss.

I shook my head. “Let it lie, Bastien. It’s nothing that will ever bring any good to our lives. Instead, we’re going to build our own family one day.”

“And you won’t be that kind of parent, Jake. I’ll make sure of it. My mum will teach you everything she knows. You’ll be all overbearing and anxious and drive the kids to uni every day because you won’t let them move out or you’lltake them food parcels and go do their laundry.” His knees were wobbling as he stood himself up, trying to find balance against the bed post. He still smiled, making my heart jolt. It always did, every time he popped those dimples my way.

“I will,” I admitted. He wasn’t wrong. "At least I'll try."

“You’ll be amazing.” He just stood there smiling at me, and it made me brave. Perhaps recklessly so.

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