Page 72 of Forever Not Yours

He was. And I did.

The days passed, and autumn seemed to fly by. My walks with Flossie now required a jacket, and the daylight disappearing earlier and earlier outside the balcony windows meant I had to get up and put thelight on in the afternoons. Also? Faye. Where the hell had she been all my life? And why had I never actually utilised my interns properly? I’d always insisted on doing everything myself, only distributing menial tasks to the people who were actually more qualified to do things than I was. I had no idea how to work these new software systems that Faye had introduced me to, and she was slowly learning her way around my calculations. The way around my brain. It was terrifying, yet I was finally learning how to slow down. How to let go and actually allow myself to enjoy the work we were doing.

I’d even got Kieron off my back, letting Faye sit in on the morning meetings and relieving me of the stress those usually brought. It also gave Juliet the time she needed, I understood that now. More than anything, I was starting to understand what I’d put her through. How I’d pushed and pulled and gaslit her, when all she’d done was try to give me what I thought I wanted. When I hadn’t had a clue what I wanted.

This weird new life Jake and I were crafting? It was lovely. Simple. So straightforward, when in reality it shouldn’t have been. He was working maybe a littletoo much, but it gave me time. Peace. Everything he knew I needed. Perhaps I missed him a little during the days I spent on the sofa, but I had started going out, the gym once again becoming part of my day, and Faye and I had nabbed another contract, and for once, I couldn’t take the credit. She’d done as much hard work as I had.

“Have you found me a man yet?” she started our afternoon meeting with, same every time, accompanied by a wink from the screen in front of me.

“Nope.” I laughed. “I’m a very discerning man, and only the best will be presented to you, Ms Michaels. Patience is key here. Let me do my research, and the right man will be found, I guarantee you that.”

“Bullshit, Bash.” She shook her head and laughed. Yes, it was bullshit. I didn’t know anyone who I would recommend as boyfriend material, let alone someone I would subject Faye to. The office was full of guys who needed a good… I almost burst out laughing.

“I was just thinking, half the guys in our office could do with a good spanking.”

“Tell me about it. That Oliver? He tried to chat up the delivery guy on Monday, I forgot to tell you.Swarming all over him, hand on his hip. The poor guy was backing into the lift looking terrified, and finally Kiki took charge and dragged Oliver away. The drama! I keep wondering if this is truly a professional office or some kind of Big Brother house with cameras hidden in the ceiling panels.”

“No cameras,” I assured her. “I’m one of the health and safety representatives, and I have actually been up in those ceiling panels, and all that is there is sprinkler systems, wires and a shedload of bloody dust.”

“I’ll trust you on that one.”

“Although the bank on the tenth floor had an incident where someone put a camera behind the mirror in the women’s bathroom. I don’t think they ever caught whoever put it in there, but at least they got it out.”

“Scary.” She snorted. “Idiots. All they’d get would be a load of girls applying lipstick and brushing their hair. What do they think we actually do in front of mirrors in public bathrooms? Get our boobs out and snog?”

“What do I know? All I know is that in the men’sroom—”

“I don’t want to know,” she huffed. “But anyway. How’s Jake?”

“Jake?” We usually didn’t talk about Jake.

“He’s your partner? I think it’s just nice to mention that. Show a bit of interest.”

“Says who?”

Defensive again. I had no idea why I was like this. Why it was so difficult for me to get rid of that enormous lump in my chest. The one that was suddenly threatening to suffocate me.

“Bash, don’t do this. Not to me, and mostly not to yourself. Do you think I would ever say something? That I have those kinds of prejudices? You mentioned him. You live with him, no?”

“Yes,” I almost whispered.

“So, you’re roommates. Like children.” She was being sarcastic, and I actually laughed.

“We lived together at uni. He’s…”

I didn’t know how to say it. And then…I didn’t know how tonotsay it. Because Jake…

“He’s everything.”

“That’s lovely,” she said, staring right at me. “Does he make you happy?”

What did you answer to that? I nodded, right back to being no-words Bastien. I hated it. Fuck him.

“I love him,” came out of my mouth. “And I don’t understand shit, and half of the time I wonder if I’ve completely lost my mind or if I’m just imagining things that are not there, but you know? I go to bed at night, and all I can think is that he’s right there next to me and that maybe this is what it’s all about. Being…you know. Calm. Happy…”

“Loved.” She finished off my sentence. “That’s what it’s like when someone loves you. You’re lucky, Bash. So bloody lucky. Not many people get to have what you have right there, so stop with the insecurities. Just enjoy it, because you should. You should be loud and proud and shout it from the rooftops. I would if I had someone who made me smile the way you just did, that really gut-punchingly sickening smile? I want to throw up. Right here.”

I had to laugh, because I got that. And I hoped she wasn’t about to hurl her lunch all over my desk.

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