Page 63 of Forever Not Yours

Juliet laughed. I loved seeing her happy.

Well, not happy. Laughing. She wasn’t happy. Neither was I.

“We had our first kiss in front of that microwave. Late at night working on the Blue Mountains deal.”

“I remember.”

We sat in silence for a while, seemingly having run out of words. Until she hadn’t.

“You know, Bash? I wish I’d been braver at uni. I was so focused on studying and gettingall the top marks, building my portfolio and networking my way to the top. I didn’t fuck around. Didn’t lose my virginity until I was like, twenty-three, and even that wasn’t up to standard. I had standards. And I lost out on so much by having those bloody standards when I should have just been dirty-fucking idiots in alleyways like everyone else. Figured out what I liked instead of just…I don’t know. Being me.”

“You’re brilliant.” I meant that. “You’re sexy and smart and all that bullshit, Juliet. You’re brave. Brave and open-minded and fabulous and fun. You’re fucking amazing.”

“I don’t feel it. I feel broken-hearted and hurt and smashed to splinters. Like I failed. I don’t fail. I don’t fucking ever fail.”

“We failed. Yeah. But then we didn’t. We hit a wall and redirected. Ran out of investment and decided to defund. Crashed and burned, and now we have to rebuild. Differently.”

“You fucked someone else. Again. The rest is just lots of pretty words. Still can’t go to bed without waking up in a panic wondering if thisis it, the moment when I die of a broken heart. Panic attacks. Haven’t had those since uni either.”

“I hated uni. Hated the pressure to be someone I wasn’t. I mean, it’s not easy to go out and ask for what you want when you haven’t got a clue what you want. Not really.”

“Lots of people come out at uni, Bash. Shagged both boys and girls. And anything else. There was this girl in my dorm called Paula.”

“Paula?” I repeated.

“I fancied her something stupid. I thought it was just because she wore nice clothes and had these perfect small, round boobs and pouty lips and all that. I wanted to be Paula. I wanted to have that confidence and wear little tops and show off. But yeah.”

Okay.

“It’s not too late to go a bit wild, Jules.”

“I don’t do…that kind of wild.” She pouted.

“You should. You can do anything you want. Maybe text Paula? Catch up?”

“Paula is married with four children. Not sure she’d consider a wild fling with a straight woman.”

Now we both laughed. Thank fuck for that.

“Look, Bash. I meant what I said the other day, that you should look for another job. But at the same time, I’m terrified of not having you in my life, and I know how bloody co-dependent and awful and weak that makes me sound, but I need this. I need our stupid chats and having a laugh about things. I need…to talk to you.”

“You can always talk to me. I promise.”

“You just don’t want to have sex with me anymore.”

Trust Juliet to talk the talk. The straight talk.

“I think, if you’re very honest with yourself here, Jules, you don’t want to have sex with me anymore either.”

Silence.

She shuffled in her chair, crossed her legs. “I liked the strap-on. Bloody hot that was.”

“I didn’t.”

“I know.”

What did I say to that? Nothing. Because I was drained to the bone, exhausted by all that this was.

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