Page 60 of Forever Not Yours

I had no words left to say. Nothing. He did, though, and I held my breath as the words came tumbling out, one after another. A waterfall of emotions.

“She tried to give me what I thought I needed. Like, the fucking. She bought all these sex toys and a spanking paddle and all that, but it wasn’t right. It wasn’t who we were, and I hated it. But I was too weak to say no, and I didn’t want to hurt her, and she went through all this effort, for me, and then it just went so bloody wrong. I started to avoid her, and then it got worse, and I blamed it on other things, but I just couldn’t get it up anymore. I didn’t want to have sex with her because it was all wrong. It was so bloody wrong. And she still loved me, and we were still getting married, and I just couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t.”

“That’s understandable,” I said gently. He was still stroking my face, both hands now, and looking straight at me.

“I should have been stronger and put an end to it. I should have taken some time away and figured it all out. Most of all, I should have acknowledged to myself what I am and what I need, and I should have talked to you. I can see that now. But hindsight is no solution here. I can’t do anything to change the past.”

I nodded gently, trying to take in everything he was saying as he continued, his voice suddenly a whisper.

“It’s really good to spend time with you. Despite everything, if I’m with you, things just seem better. Like there is light at the end of the tunnel.”

Then he kissed me, and that small gesture took me by surprise, a warmth brewing in me that I hadn’t felt for a long time.

He fucking loved me right back. I knew he did. He just needed to find the bloody guts to admit it.

“This is not going to be easy, I’m not pretending it is. What we have here is no bloody fairytale.” Talking. We were actually talking.

“Amen to that,” he said.

“And I think, deep down, you know that this is the end of the road. This is where Bastien and Jake stopbeing Bastien and Jake and instead agree that we’re something else.”

Now he was looking down at his hands that were once again on my thighs. I loved when we sat like this. It felt intimate. Close. Even closer than I felt to him when my dick was up his arse. I told him that too. Laughter. Gentle giggles.

“I love being this close to you,” I repeated. He needed to hear it.

“It’s good. I hope you’re less angry with me now.”

“A little bit. I’m trying to understand.”

“I didn’t go into that bar to get fucked. Maybe it crossed my mind for a few seconds, but I felt all off and needed to sit down and get something in me.” His breath hitched for a second. “Not like that, Jake. God. I needed juice. Food. Anything. I was hypo and crashing, and my head wasn’t in the right place, and I saw this bar and it felt safe to go in. I knew they would give me what I needed without questioning if I was bloody drunk or high or whatever. There’s never anyone on the door there during the daytime, so…well. That’s what I did. I went in. Asked for help.”

“And help you got.”

“Then I rang you. I wasn’t going to let anyone fuck me. That wasn’t on the cards.”

“Okay.”

“I would have told you if it had been.”

“I’m still working on the trust here, Bastien. I don’t like it. I don’t like that you even thought about it. You need to listen—”

“No.Youneed to listen.” He was the one in control now. Sitting up straight, holding on to my hands like he needed me. Like I actually did mean something to him. “We’ve always been close, you and me. We’ve always had this, this you and me thing, and I’m being honest here. I never thought of you as someone…for me. We were just us. And believe me, us has always been my lifeline. It’s just I think about it now and the way we are. Maybe our energy has never been aligned. Maybe it’s just fate.”

“I don’t know about fate. Perhaps, I mean, I have always felt more for you than you have for me.”

That seemed to get to him, and he stilled. Sat there cradling my hands in his for what seemed like the longest time. It was good, though. It made me focus,like the air was nothing, and all I could hear was my own breathing, his gently in the background.

It felt like we’d needed this. Just a day to figure all of this out. To learn how to talk. Properly. It still felt disjointed and messy, but at least we were here. Together.

“That’s not true. I just energise differently,” he finally admitted in a voice that sounded shaky.

“Bastien, what even does that mean?”

“That maybe I have always felt the same, but not…energised it enough.”

“So youdoadmit it?” I pressed. “That you like cock and you love me.”

“Bullshit.” He laughed. I loved that he did. “Yeah, maybe, but that’s me and my kind of bullshit.”

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