Page 59 of Forever Not Yours

“Yes,” he whispered.

“You cheated on Juliet. With me.”

“And once before that. And another time too.”

It felt like the air stood still. I hadn’t known that. Hadn’t thought further than that bloody stag night.

“I know what a horrible person that makes me, and I’m not sitting here expecting your sympathy or understanding. We all make horrible mistakes. I do really, and I mean,reallybad things when I’m stressed. And I know it doesn’t make any difference here, because I will make those mistakes again and you will throw me out and that’s…that’s why this has to stop. Because I need you to be my friend. I need you, Jake. And if you’re…like this, then—”

“Bullshit.”

“You say you love me and all that, and I love you too, but I’m not someone who will make you happy. I won’t. I tried. I tried so goddamn hard with Juliet, and she was wonderful and beautiful and supported me and let me hurt her, over and over again, and shetried to understand and help me and give me what I needed…”

Oh God. Now he was crying. Good. Not in that way.

“I went out and got fucked and I told her. I told her that’s what I needed, and I thought she would just break up with me. She didn’t. She went out and got a strap-on and fucked me until I couldn’t even stand up. But it wasn’t right. Nothing was right. I wanted out and I wanted everything to stop, and I got so desperate and nothing would work, whatever I did. I tried to stay and make her happy, and I tried to be happy, and I tried everything, and I still bloody fucked up. I can’t do this, I never can. Every single relationship I’ve been in I’ve destroyed. I can’t do this. I can’t destroy you too.”

I’d moved over to him as he ranted, pushed my body up against his on the sofa so I could hold him. His fingernails dug into my skin, and I let him take it all out on me as the sobs convulsed through his body.

“I don’t want to be like this. I just want to be normal. I want a family. I want to be a dad. I always wanted a child, so bloody much. I just wanteda normal life. Is that too much to ask? I wanted to be loved and be happy, and sometimes with you, I feel that I am. But it won’t last. It never does. You get angry with me and then I'll run and find someone else, and God, I’m just awful.”

Shut up, you idiot.I didn’t say that out loud. I just sat there and let him cry it all out, stroked his back as he slobbered all over my shoulder, smiled gently after a while, taking it all in.

“So Juliet used to fuck you?”

I think he nodded. His hands were now on my thighs instead of just hugging me back.

“Not the same. I mean, in theory it should be, but she was still Juliet, you know?”

I got that. I think.

“Anyway, it’s private.” He was calming down.

“Yes, I agree. But the other day, she said something about punishing you? That you needed punishing?”

“She shouldn’t have told you that, and I won’t either.”

I loved that he still protected her. He wasn’t a bad person. Not at all. Misguided sometimes, and thecheating was a massive issue, but this was us. Him and me.

“I respect that. But I need to tell you this, once and for all. This is not an open relationship. This is you and me, and that’s it. Nobody else will ever come between us again. If that’s something you can’t get on board with then you need to speak up now and then I need to rethink the situation. Because if you cheat on me, you will go head first out that door. I mean that, Bastien. If you feel out of control, if you feel that you want to head out and get some knuckle-headed leather-daddy to stick his filthy dick in you, then that will be the end of this relationship. Are we clear on that?”

I pushed him off me and grabbed his chin between my fingertips, tipped his face up.

God. I took it all back. Bastien with a tear-stained face, his skin all red and mushy? He was the most fragile-looking beautiful thing. And if he looked at me like he did now, he would get away with murder, because I would forever and always forgive him. And love him. And it frightened me to the point I couldn’t speak.

“You love me,” he whispered, pausing to snort. He wiped his face on his sleeve. “And I don’t know how to do this. I want to tell you that I will always love you and do all the things you want me to do, but I don’t trust myself. I don’t know how to.”

“I think you do.”

He just sat there, all deflated and sad. I hated that he was, but at least he was here. Safe. With me.

“It will be all right, Bastien. I promise you that. I will try, with everything I am to make this good, for both of us. Okay?”

“Okay,” he replied. Then he reached out, stroking his fingertips down my cheek, a slow movement, and I leant into it. I needed it. Whatever he would give me, I would take, because where he thought he was the weak one, he wasn’t. I was. And Juliet’s words were still ringing in my ears, because I understood her better than she knew. Bastien was and would always be my weakness too. My one and only vice. He looked at me and I just disappeared. Drowned right into him.

“It’s okay,” I whispered.

“It’s not. I thought it was, with Juliet. And it wasn’t. I don’t even know what’s right and what’s wrong anymore. It’s all become such a mess.”

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