Page 50 of Forever Not Yours

“We lived together for almost five years, Bastien. It felt like a proper break-up when it ended.”

“You got a flat and moved out.”

Oh. Wewerehaving a conversation then.

“You moved in with Marie.”

“Didn’t last long.”

“Then you met Anisha.”

“You liked her.”

“Still text her sometimes.”

A smile. Good.

“I still think about those years,” he said. “I mean, we thought we were stressed and busy, and exams were overwhelming, but looking back now? Easy. So bloody easy.”

“Agree.” I nodded as I said it. Truth, right there.

“I think,” he said. Then he went quiet.

“You can tell me. Anything. Absolutely anything.”

I was hoping for answers, words to still my beating heart. Anything to cool the dark anxietiesin my head. We sat in silence, an uncomfortable one where everything seemed to hang in the air. Then suddenly he spoke. Quietly, but at least it was something.

“Last year, I didn’t have a single hypo,” he said. “I was really stable, and I came off one of my meds and the new pump made a difference and, you know. It was good. Then this year, I have no idea how it got this bad, but I just can’t keep my bloods in check, and things stress me out, all the time.”

“You’ve been busy.”

“Couldn’t find a house we both liked. Every bloody weekend, we were house hunting, and then we were planning this wedding, and it wore me out, and I took on this huge new account, with Kieron constantly on my back and then Juliet agreed for us to try for a baby.”

“That’s a lot.”

“It’s fucking normal, Jake. That is what normal people do, every day. Yet I couldn’t deal. I just got more and more confused and stressed out by everything and then…” His arms were flailing in the air again, the way they did when he lost all the words, his mouth shaping them with nothing but silence coming out.

“Some people call it walking into a wall.” I tried to say it in kindness, not to put words in his mouth. “When things just get a little too much and however hard you try, every little task becomes a candle. You light one at a time and blow it out when you’re done. If you light too many, you start a fire. And however many you blow out, the fire still rages in the background, and you just burn. Everything burns. And then—”

“You burn out.”

I nodded.

Quiet. This was when I needed to stay quiet. Let him breathe.

“How are you feeling, right now?” I never learned, did I? He was back to quietly huffing out air. “Almost there.” I reached out and gently squeezed his arm. A few more blocks. A turn to the left. Him back to looking out the window. My hand back on the steering wheel.

“You don’t get it, though. All this.” He was suddenly looking at me as I tried to take a roundabout without crashing his goddamn car. “This? This is not you and me. It’s not what you want it to be. It willnever happen, you know that, don’t you? Because I piss people off. I’m bloody hard work, and just because we fucked once or twice doesn’t mean this is some kind of happily ever after. It’s fucking too much, Jake. Everything. Too bloody much.”

“I get that—” I started, but he cut me off.

“You don’t get shit. So just stop pretending this is anything else than what it is. You throwing a pity party for the messed-up dude who once again royally fucked up. So stop with the bullshit, Jake, because it’s not happening. None of this is happening.”

Almost there? Not even close, as he was out of the car before I’d even managed to engage the parking brake, slamming the door behind him. Taking long strides towards the block of flats. Stopping by the entrance and just standing there, like he was trying to figure out what he was doing.

I grabbed my phone out of my pocket. The number of missed calls made me shudder. I understood him, so much. I had to sharpen up, and fast, because this had gone on far too long now.

Enough, Bastien. Enough.

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