Page 64 of Taste

“For fuck’s sake,” I muttered, but then I thought…what the hell. I took in a huge breath and shouted, “I am Finley Christensen, and I own this goddamn place!”

It sounded weird coming from my mouth, but it was kind of true. It would never be my name on the deeds, but I should own this place, not the other way around. There were ghosts in every clearing here, memories that were forever etched on my brain.

“See? Not so hard,” he praised, which meant more than the claim I’d just staked over my past. “So, this is what we’re going to do. We’re going to drive down there and get out of the car. Then we’re going to go knock on the door and greet whoever is home politely and introduce ourselves. We will tell them we’re not staying, just passing through, and that if there’s anything they wish to say, we’re happy to listen. If they have nothing to say, we’ll wish them a good evening, then we’ll head back to Harrogate and check into our accommodation, find a goddamn pub and drink ourselves into a stupor. Sound good?”

“Sounds irresponsible. How will we get back to the place we’re staying if we’re flat-out drunk?” I could picture us, on our backs in a field somewhere with Mark making me shout out life advice to the local cattle.

“We’ll manage, and you’ll feel so much better afterwards. And if,ifwhoever opens that door has things to say, words they feel like saying to us, then we’ll be gracious enough to give them our time. No expectations. No prejudice. We’ll let them speak, and we’ll have our answers. There are no big hurdles to overcome here, darling, because I will be right next to you, every single second. I’ll have your hand in mine and my heart next to yours. Because I love you, and you love me. That’s all that will matter when we wake up tomorrow. Whatever goes down in the next hour, remember that. You’ll wake up next to me tomorrow morning, and life will be a brighter place because you have another whole day to spend with me.”

“And I’m taking you for scones.”

“Bloody best scones in England.”

“And tea.”

“Gotta have tea.”

“Lucy is feeding us dinner. She’s an exceptionally good chef. One Michelin star.”

“Awesome.”

“Isn’t it just?”

“Then we’re spending a week with your mum.”

“Beaches. Seafood. Sun. No stress.”

“A new half-brother.”

“Can’t believe Dad spawned another one.”

“One you’ll get to meet.”

“Yeah. Wife number four then?”

“Once they set a date.”

“See? So much to look forward to. So, are you ready? Shall we do this? Go close this chapter and start a new one?”

I took a deep breath. He always did this. Took my fears and made them small. Reminded me of all those things I needed to remember. I was loved. I had family. I had my health, and goddamn it, I had him. I had someone who held my hand through everything and shouted at me when I was in the wrong. He cuddled me when I needed it and even forgave me for the things that sometimes came out of my mouth. I had things to look forward too. I had a whole life to live with this idiot by my side, and perhaps he’d been right about this all along. I needed to say goodbye. I needed to own this place and not let the past own me. I needed to take fucking control and forgive myself. Perhaps even forgive this place, too, for having held me hostage for too long.

“Say it. Let it all out,” he said. The sun shone on his face, making his skin glow, and his hair lifted in the gentle breeze. A sheep bleated in the distance. “Just say it. Don’t hold back. You own this fucking place, so don’t let it win.”

“I own your arse!” I shouted as Mark collapsed in giggles. “I fucking own the world and fuck you. Fucking fuck you all.”

“This place just got its arse whipped.”

“Not really.” I laughed ruefully. But anyway.

I climbed down off the wall, grabbing Mark’s hands as he followed me onto the field that led down to the back of the farm buildings. I wasn’t going far, just a few steps into the long grass, letting the wind blow the hair from my face. I stood there looking down on what had once been my entire world, a place where I had perhaps been content at some point. I hadn’t known any different. It had been just me and animals and grass and wind. Fear and anger. Sometimes even happiness. I’d had good times. I had vague memories of my mother’s laughter and driving our rickety old tractor with the sun warming me. Visits to the market. The smell of spring.Bare feet on grass.

“I love you,” he said, kissing my cheek and snaking his arms around me. With his chest against my back and his breath on my neck, I felt like I could take on the world. “I love you, darling. Don’t ever forget that. And I’m so bloody proud of you. All this time, and here we are. It’s a beautiful place. Thank you for letting me come with you.”

“It’s a valley. Fields. Sky. Sun…” I leant back and found his lips, feeling strangely calmer. “And wind. Always wind.”

“Yeah.”

We stood there for a while, him gripping my wrists in front of me, my hands over his. The smell of grass was overwhelming, once again sending me back in time, but it wasn’t so terrifying anymore. It was just grass. And it was no longer just me. I had so much now. I knew what it felt like to be happy.

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