Page 26 of Ship of Fools

“Perfect.” He fills in, and smiles. “I don’t want you to hate me.”

“Why would I?”

“Because… All kinds of reasons, I’m all… and you know if I hurt you… and I’m not any good at relationships,” he stutters out, obviously all flustered again.

“I’ve never had a relationship. Well, apart from a hookup that lasted way longer than it should have. Oh, andFrancesca Griffiths in Year 6, who was my girlfriend for a whole month. She didn’t even let me kiss her, and all I wanted was to be like her. She gave me one of her lip-gloss tins, and I found it when I cleared out my uni room. I had no idea I still had it.”

“Shut up,” he says, with a giggle, and starts the car again. “You had a girlfriend?”

“I did. Not my best move, but it made me feel normal for a while, during that awkward stage when you think you are going crazy on the inside. I didn’t fit in, and at least she made me look cool and normal. I didn’t know why I liked her, but I figured out later, that I liked her because I wanted to be like her. Pretty and soft and gorgeous. With lip gloss.”

“Lip gloss.” He giggles. “I bet you looked pretty with lip gloss.”

“I did, and by the way, I’m going to tell you all my dirty little secrets.” I say back. “Because you and I are going to talk. We are going to find out everything, all the good and all the bad. I want to know the whole bloody story about this Connor, and you are going to tell me exactly what went wrong. I already hate him, because he cheated on you, but that’s beside the point. You need to kick him out of your life for good, because now you have a boyfriend.”

“I have a boyfriend?” he says, as he makes a perfect U-turn out of the parking space.

“Yup. You have me. I’m planning on being an exceptionally good boyfriend. I’ve decided on the term boyfriend. We can always change it to partner, you know when we are old and retired.”

“I thought this was just a Christmas hookup.”

“Bastard!” I mock him, swatting his arm as he smiles.

“You really want to be with me?”

“Only for the fantastic sex, and of course, because your flat is nicer than mine. I’m still not sure about your car. She might be a dealbreaker in this.”

“Don’t mock my Phoebe.”

“Bring her up to Lambert and Gloss one day and I will give her a complimentary valet.” I snort.

“Never.” He laughs. Then he goes quiet as we make our way out on the A road towards the industrial estate. Quiet buildings, and empty car parks, with the odd glittering light and festive decoration greeting us along the way. A few housing estates where people are quietly milling about in their front rooms, with Christmas trees and cheer, as I look over at the man I am trying to figure out.

I can see myself with him, that is the frightening part. Frightening and exciting, in other ways, because I never thought I would meet someone like him. Someone who would be... in a way... just like me. Because I think he is.

“I think, if I am being honest.” I have to stop and breathe, because this one is a hard thought to bear. He looks over and strokes my leg with his fingers, before changing gears as we turn into the hospital car park.

“I think if this doesn’t work out, if we end up going our separate ways, I will still remember this as the most amazing Christmas fling. Because things like this? Meeting someone I actually like, as much as I like you? Well, apart from that you have a giant dick and fuck like a god, and you like topping, major bonus, by the way, since I don’t top... Ever.” I laugh nervously, and he puts the car into reverse, backing into an empty bay in one swift motion. Then he just sits there, staring awkwardly out over the car park. Grey concrete buildings completing the depressed view of the tired hospital building.

“It’s Christmas… You should be with your family.” He says. It’s not a demand for an answer, just an open question, as he reaches over and squeezes my hand. I love that he does that. Those little gestures. His skin against mine. Changing the subject just in time. “Yet here you are, with me.”

It’s not something I fancy talking about, but I do, because he deserves the truth. The good, bad and the ugly. “I’m not quite what my father expected. To my mother I am a disappointment. I won’t own my own company at the age of thirty like my father did. I don’t have a portfolio of shares, and I don’t belong to any fancy clubs. I don't ski in Verbier, and I don’t rate Spain as the ultimate place to retire. Those are just some of the things my father and I agree to disagree on. My mother still has hopes that I will marry Marielle Broomwood-Carter, the daughter of her good friend Adele. It was apparently a done deal from when we were small. Adele and Marielle are spending the holiday season in Nice this year. My mother is very disappointed that they are not joining them in Spain. She secretly blames me, as I am always so cold to poor Marielle.”

“But they love you? You’re their kid!”

“Yeah, they do, in their own way. But when I swan out in my dressing gown on Christmas morning, and their friends are sipping champagne on the patio, and my mother gets all embarrassed and makes excuses why I’m not dressed, and still a single man? I want to scream and shout and behave like a child. I don’t, but biting my tongue for a week straight is exhausting.”

“I can’t imagine you biting your tongue for a week straight,” he laughs. “I bet you don’t.”

“That’s why Mum didn’t bother arguing when I said I was spending the holidays here. Working. As always. And it’s the reason my sister disappears whenever there is talk of a family meetup, just so Dad won’t force her take up an internship at one of his companies.”

“So, your family are a bit messy. Every family is. We just have to live with it, and make the best out of what we have.”

“Suppose every family has their own messes. Nothing is ever perfect, despite what it looks like from the outside.”

“To me, you are kind of perfect.”

He smiles and I bury my head in my hands. “I’m not perfect. I’m an ungrateful son. I got expelled from two different private schools and I barely scraped through University, which my father refused to fund. I had to take a student loan like everyone else. I was spoilt and ungrateful and stupid.”

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