Page 40 of Nerdy Dirty Valentine

“Shut it,” Kamira warned. “Go clean. Do something useful.”

“Whatever,” Wyatt muttered. He was just out of the academy and thought he knew it all.

Once Wyatt left, though, she turned to me. “I swear, he’s like the annoying little brother I never wanted. It’s not just the newbie that has Smack mad. It’s Caleb and Tanner. They’re together again.”

“What the fuck?” I’d worked with Caleb for a few days last week and was sharing a shift with him today, too. He hadn’t said anything to me. Though he knew my thoughts on Tanner. So that had to be why. My stomach dropped at the idea of them.

“Don’t go and say anything, okay? Caleb’s been so sad and lonely. Maybe it will work out. Right?”

“Wrong,” I huffed, heading for Caleb, who was in the break room. I ignored her calls for me to leave it alone.

Caleb must have read it all over my face when I found him because he held up his hands.

“Don’t judge me.”

“So it’s true?”

Caleb twisted his fingers together. “He’s sorry that he couldn’t handle it all before. It was too much for him. And it’s not like he cheated on me or something.”

“He let you down at the worst moment of your life.”

Caleb’s face fell. “I—I don’t want to be alone the rest of my life.”

“God, that’s not enough to go back to a guy who treated you like shit. You deserve somebody great. Somebody who lifts you up, not tears you down. Somebody who stands by you, not leaves you and then is fucking sorry when it’s convenient for them.”

My thoughts went to James. How he was there for me, for whatever I needed. Whether it was a cup of coffee or to be held, he made me feel seen and appreciated… and whole.

“That’s a nice fairy tale, but reality is messy.” Caleb gave me a smile. “We gotta live in the real world. And… Tanner’s promised to do better.”

“You can’t actually believe that.”

Caleb was so fucking brave that day he rushed into the fire and saved lives at the expense of his own, a hero for real. How could he be this foolish? For the first time, I saw how young he still was. How scarred. Not only his gorgeous face but a scar so much deeper. He deserved so much better than what he was accepting.

“Caleb, Caleb…” I had no idea how to reach him. How do you stop a friend from heartache? Or anybody? Nobody could have stopped me when all I wanted was to self-destruct.

“Please, stay out of it.”

Biting my lip, I stopped.

It was a waste of air, I could see that. Caleb was going back to the toxic mess that had been him and Tanner. Caleb would either leave Tanner one day for good… or he wouldn’t. How fucking sad. My heart broke for him. But I couldn’t stop him.

“I don’t want us to be fighting.” Caleb held his torso in a tight clutch. He looked as if he would hurl.

Caleb didn’t like conflict, and he’d had enough hurt in his life, so I didn’t want to add to it.

“We’re good.” I held out my fist.

We bumped fists.

Caleb dropped his fist quickly and looked away. Despite my desire to shake sense into him, I left it. Better than anybody, I knew you had to be ready to change your life. Caleb wasn’t ready. He didn’t trust that somebody could see past the ruined face. And he was wrong, I was certain of it. But Caleb had to learn this for himself. All I could do was stand by his side as his friend and hope to hell he learned it soon.

As I left the fire station, I passed Captain Smack barking out orders to Wyatt. He looked at me as I passed and nodded, his face grim, posture like granite.

I loved Caleb, but I didn’t want to be like him and repeat my mistakes.

The meeting was in a church basement. I’d checked for one between the firehouse and where Rico was. As my sponsor, he’d hung in there with me, despite my resistance to sharing. It was only right that I called him. Tempted as I was to call James, too, I needed to do this alone.

I’d been so afraid of being alone. Hating empty spaces. All the parties, the people, I had tried all that to stop it. But the emptiness? It wasn’t on the outside; it was in me.

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