Page 73 of Bull Riders Don't Swoon

“We’re here for you if you need anything. If you take on my son, you get us too.”

I whip my head towards my dad, who has never said anything like that. Ever. Even my sister, Kara’s eyes widen.

“I didn’t agree to that.” She elbows Griff. “One brother is enough to handle.”

Griff nods and thankfully finds words to accept my dad’s sentiment before my sister asks Griff to come with her. She babbles about needing to bring in something from the garage for my mom, and Griff goes off with her.

With the sounds of last year’s rodeo in the background, I clear my throat.

“Thank you for that, Dad. It means a lot to hear you say that. I know I’ve disappointed you —”

“You’ve never disappointed me, Jamieson.”

“But you never approved of the university and rodeo. The bull riding for a career. Even where I lived. We’ve always fought about it, and I guess I felt like I didn’t live up to your expectations.”

Dad frowns and sighs. “That wasn’t disappointment. That was me failing at telling you how proud I am of you for reaching for the dream. I wanted to force you into something safe and practical. Bull riding is dangerous and often short-lived. I just…I wanted you to fulfill your potential, and you have, son. In spades, you have.”

“Really?”

“Really. I’m sorry I wanted you to be more like me. You’re your own person and you live life in a way I envy.”

My dad is so straightforward, and I take a moment to let his words sink in. I’ve made so many wrong assumptions all these years.

“For what it’s worth, Dad, other than me thinking I let you down, you’re a great dad.”

The TV blares loudly as the announcer’s excitement calls the tie-down roping event. We pause to watch, and my dad says, “It’s your year, Jamieson. Griff and the house are only the beginning. You have great things coming.”

My dad never held love back or anything like that. I had an amazing childhood, but my dad always stood on the sidelines while my mom reassured me I was good and she was proud. She put the Band-Aids on and shipped me packages at university. Dad always remained at a polite distance.

I thought it was because he disapproved, but that wasn’t it at all. Mom is just better at showing love than my dad. That’s something I understand now more than ever since I’ve been with Griff.

“Thanks, Dad.”

Normally I can talk your ear off, and I want to ask my dad all the things, but I settle in, and we talk about rodeo in between suggestions for the house. It’s bonding on a level we’ve never had before.

And another piece of my life clicks into place.

twenty-three

Griff

Standing over the kitchen sink, I shove another forkful of Jamieson's mom’s apple strudel into my mouth.

It’s so fucking good. When Kara showed me there was another pan in the garage fridge for me to take home last night, I might have done a happy dance.

The soft light over the kitchen sink is enough for me to move quietly and pour a glass of milk while Jamie sleeps. Normally, it wouldn’t be a bother that I’m restless. I’d just wake up and read or watch a mindless show.

But I can’t stop my mind from running over scenarios today with Dad.

Is he going to be angry that I finally got him to this place? Or is he going to jump right in and try to fix our relationship like I desperately hope?

Dinner with Jamieson’s family last night was both amazing and heartbreaking. His mom telling me to call her that if I wanted, almost made me cry. His sister told me in the garage that his parents were thrilled Jamieson finally got his head out of his ass and noticed he was in love with me all along.

That bit blew my mind. To know his sister noticed long before he did was just more proof that we were both living in the clouds.

But sitting at the dinner table, eating a home-cooked meal with people who care about you, people you call family, was something I’ve always longed for. Listening to school kids talk about family Easter or Christmas dinner and visiting families…that wasn’t my life, but it sounded great, and I wanted it.

Now I have it, and this euphoria that contradicts my entire mindset for all these years has me feeling like I’m two people living in the same body.

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