Page 59 of Bull Riders Don't Swoon

The plastic rattles on my licorice package, and he glances over at me.

“How do you eat that in the morning?”

“Licorice? Like this.” I rip a piece off with a happy hum and chew it. Griff relaxes a little with a smile, and I hold a piece out to him.

“No thanks. I don’t normally eat until after I get to Dad’s. I’m too…I just can’t.”

The tightness returns to his face, and I shift to squeeze his thigh. He immediately grabs my hand and holds it there, his thumb sliding along my knuckles, and I toss the licorice into the bag of snacks at my feet.

“Do you want to talk about anything? I don’t even need to respond. I’ll just listen.”

The radio cuts in and out, so I switch it off with my free hand. Griff’s pet peeve is driving where even satellite radio can be interrupted. He’d rather sit in silence than listen to partial bits of song. Or me singing the missing bits. I tried that once and I think if he had a weapon, he would have used it on me.

“He doesn’t know we’re coming.” Griff glances quickly at me. “Even if I told him what day I was coming, he’s likely to forget, but I haven’t told him about you or that I’ll be here.”

“Okay. Is he going to be mad?”

“I don’t think so. The good thing about Dad is he’s not violent. I’m lucky that way. He just gets sad and talks a lot about past stuff. He’ll be happy to see me, then sad I’m not around more, then he’ll either talk about shit when I was ten or stare at the TV.” Griff sighs, and I feel the weight of it. “It’s honestly a lot of stress for me. I gave up hoping each time would be different a long time ago. Now I just keep showing up because I never know when the last time will be.”

Griff just spews all this out as straight facts, and I want to both cry and punch myself for being so oblivious to his trials.

“I’ll warn you, though. Today I’m trying to talk him into going to a doctor. He might agree, and if he does, I need to call the rehab facility immediately. I won’t hold my breath because he always fights me on it.”

“Is there someone who could come to the house if he won’t go? Do doctors make house calls?”

Griff puffs his cheeks and squeezes my hand again.

“I can ask a nurse. There are a few in town that might do it. I’ve checked, but he needs bloodwork and tests, and…maybe it’s best I don’t know how sick he is. He needs to detox. But I’ll warn you, Jamie…he looks like shit.”

I don’t know if I’d have the mental strength Griff has if our roles were reversed. To be responsible for the only parent you have is a burden. In every way. Sure, there’s love there, but to know he should be in rehab and that Griff has sacrificed his own dreams to help his father…that breaks my heart, and I don’t know if I could do it.

“You’re an amazing son, you know. You’ve handled this on your own and a lot of kids might just walk away. This probably sounds rude, but why do you keep coming back when it’s so hard on you?”

Maybe that’s my selfishness coming out, but I think it’s a legitimate question to ask. Especially now that I know he’s so stressed he doesn’t eat before he visits.

Griff sighs again and squeezes my hand.

“Because I have no one else. He’s my dad, and if I didn’t keep checking on him, nobody would. He’s pushed away all his friends over the years, and he’s literally alone. Sometimes I just wish…” Griff’s swallow clicks, and I squeeze his hand. “I just wish he’d at least move into a facility. Some place where he could press a button for help, and they’d make him go to a dining room to eat. Where he could be with people and get help to deal with this disease. It’s a long shot he’ll even agree to the help, I know that, but I just can’t ignore him.”

He brings my hand to his lips and kisses it before placing it back on his thigh.

“It’s hard for me to explain, but I can’t walk away like that, Jamie. He’s so damn isolated in this shittytown.”

Wow. My eyes prick with tears for Griff, and it’s not the first time I feel like an asshole. Would I abandon my parents if I were in his place? Probably not, but I’ve never been in his shoes. Not even a little. His capacity to forgive is something I need to strive towards.

Griff says nothing else, but he still holds my hand, and I’m happy to provide the comfort. My mind wanders in the silence, though. Instead of worrying about how he handles all this, I’m now back to worrying about actually meeting his dad. I’ve never been in a relationship to meet the parents. Griff knows mine because we live in the same town and they came to the university a few times.

He met my sister and had dinner with us occasionally. They ask about him all the time, and yet I’ve never met his dad.

Anything close to a relationship I’ve had never lasted more than a week or so. Definitely not-meet-the-parents material, and they didn’t have a connection like me and Griff. They were buckle chasers. You can get laid a surprising amount while doing rodeo. Which I did. God and Griff watched it all go down and never said a word.

“You’re thinking pretty hard over there. Want to talk about it?” He grins over at me. “You always chew your lips when something bothers you. Always.”

“I’ve never met someone’s parents before. Well, I’ve met parents, but I’ve never met them when I’m in love with their child. I guess I’m nervous.”

Griff smiles with a sadness so profound I almost wish I never said anything.

“I love that you’re nervous, but…don’t be disappointed if he doesn’t remember your name or ask you much. He might, but prepare yourself for disinterest. He could be in a chatty mood or a silent mood. There’s literally no in between. But I’m happy you’re here with me all the same.”

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