Page 36 of Bull Riders Don't Swoon

He runs a hand through his hair that’s getting a little long, but I like it that way. I hate that he’s worked up over something I did, though.

“They didn’t deserve to meet you.”

He pins me with a hard stare. “Don’t. Don’t feed me bullshit, Griff. You tell me it killed you to see me with other people, but did you ever think how I felt about you being treated like garbage? Hearing you tell me how these men were assholes and used you for sex? I watched and listened and hoped every new guy would be different for you.”

Jamieson stops pacing and stands in front of me. “When you showed up with that black eye at Jackson’s place, I…” He swallows and closes his eyes. “I wanted to kill the asshole.” Jamie kneels on the floor in front of me and places his hands on my knees. “I’ve seen you stand up for yourself and others before. I know you’re a strong person, so help me understand this.”

My heart races so fast it might explode in my chest.

“It’s not a simple explanation, Jamie. There’s a lot of shit with me. If I’m being honest, I should probably seek therapy and not try to become a therapist.”

Jamieson’s eyes flash to mine. “While we’re dumping secrets…I saw the letter from the university on your couch. We’ll come back to that.”

Swallowing hard, I stare into the eyes of my best friend and see nothing but care and concern. Maybe I’ve fucked things up this whole time by keeping things to myself. I should have trusted him more with all my secrets. Even if I never admitted I was in love with him, I should have leaned on him. Instead of protecting him, I’ve hurt him.

“There was no sex, Jamie.” Squeezing my eyes closed, I continue. “Well, I considered what we did sex, but I was garbage because they didn’t get what they wanted.”

“What? I don’t follow.” His thumbs rub circles on my thigh, calming me. Offering me the comfort I always refuse to take. This time I need to go all in. It’s Jamie, for fuck’s sake. I kissed him, and he’s still here, talking things out like a rational person, while I fight the urge to just stuff it all away and pretend everything is fine.

“I don’t like penetrative sex,” I blurt and run all the words together because if I say it too slowly, I might change my mind.

Jamie doesn’t blink. He just waits for me to continue. “He hit me because he said I led him on. It’s not a dating app. It’s a fucking app, right?” I laugh dryly and turn my head away. “There’s a stigma in the gay community towards men who don’t like anal. I try to hide it until I can’t, then I make an excuse to cut ties so they don’t find out. That guy was…overly aggressive, and he caught me off guard.”

Jamieson remains eerily still. Even his thumbs have stopped moving on my thigh.

“He hit you because he wanted to fuck and you weren’t into it?” His voice is a scary growl, and his hands grip my thighs. “Griff? Is that what you’re saying to me?”

“Yeah, that’s it in a nutshell.” As hard as it was for me to tell him that, the tension in my shoulders loosens.

Jamieson stares at his hands for a few moments before he runs his fingertips over my cast. “The night I waited for you when you broke your arm. Two things went through my mind. I hated that you were hurt because of me, and all I wanted to do was take care of you. It was like a repeat broadcast of the same commercial. Youknow, like those Sarah McLachlan ones where they show you all the animals and ask for money?”

Despite the image those commercials create, I nod. “The ones that make you cry and get your credit card out.”

“Yeah. I wanted to cry, and there was this thing…this, I don’t know, a feeling, I guess. It was this lump in my throat. This overwhelming feeling that you needed me. I know that sounds stupid, but while I sat there knowing you only had a broken arm, all I could think about was what if it was worse? What if I lost you one day? What if I never met you? All the fucking what-ifs I could think of and that damn lump never went away.”

Jamieson’s chest heaves like it took great effort to say all that. Perhaps it did.

“I can’t stay away from you, Jamie. You’re a part of me. The only way I’m leaving is if you tell me to.”

He shakes his head with conviction. “No, Griff. I need you to stay. Please. We’re on the same page with that, right?” He pushes himself up and hovers close to my face. “Can I kiss you again?”

All the air leaves my lungs, and I swallow hard. Is this actually happening? “Yes,” my voice is barely a whisper as Jamieson brushes his lips over mine. It’s a slower kiss. Much different from the passion-fueled one in the bar. This one is so tender, my heart aches for not saying something sooner. Maybe I could have had this years ago if I’d been brave enough to reach for it.

He rests his forehead against mine and my hands grip his arms on either side of me. “We’ll figure this out, Griff. If you want to try, I mean.”

His warm breath fans my face, and I swear I can feel the pulse on his forehead against mine.

“You want us to be…dating?”

“Yeah. We have too much between us to ignore this. If you want to, I’m here.” Jamie releases a shaky breath. “I like kissing you.”

“Can we do this slowly?” I breathe as I slide a hand to cup Jamieson’s face. “I have a lot of stuff to work through, and I’m probably messier than a pulled pork sandwich at a Rodeo Days’ food truck.”

Jamieson’s stomach growls, and neither of us can hold the laugh inside.

“It has a mind of its own, I swear.” He chuckles as he helps me off the couch. “But yeah, Griff. I don’t want us to keep hurting each other. I can slow down for you.”

“What about the whole sex thing? That’s, I mean, most guys—”

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