Page 78 of Boss Me

He didn’t get it. He’d never been around an abuser before. “I slammed my hand into the fence the night you left.”

“You hit the fence, not me. I left because we both needed to cool off. We did, and I came back.”

“But I—”

“Shh.” He kissed the center of my chest. “You won’t hurt me.”

He couldn’t know that. Even I didn’t know that. Mick had never been to the island, but that night, he was in my bedroom, hovering just behind me. The flashfire temper, the pounding fists, the remorse after. All my sessions with Dr. Pradhi hadn’t convinced me he wasn’t deep inside me, biding his time until he burst out and I hit someone I loved.

And despite my speech to Ben the other day about being all in, that was one risk I wouldn’t take. I’d lock away that last piece of myself, the one that loved him.

Big emotions like love were dangerous. They hurt.

“Go to sleep,” I whispered into his hair.

“Mm-hmm,” he murmured against my sternum.

I rolled onto my back, pulling him with me so his head rested on my chest. His breaths evened out and slowed.

I could do this kind of intimacy. The romantic-dinner, meet-the-family, snuggle-in-bed stuff Ben loved. He didn’t need that last part of me. If he knew how dangerous I was, he wouldn’t want it.

Even if he wanted it, I could never give it to him.

27

COOPER

Ben was still asleep, snoring softly, when I disentangled myself from him early the next morning. I ran to the neighboring town and back, the steamy air filling my lungs as the sun blazed into the sky, making me wish for the cool, foggy mornings in San Francisco.

I would miss the city I’d always called home. But I wouldn’t miss Synergy. The restlessness that had stirred in me the last few days didn’t mean that I missed the challenge, the sense of accomplishment at the end of a long day, or the people I used to call my work family. I had the community center to work on, and that was enough.

I had everything I needed on the island. Delicious food, a comfortable home, wifi when I wanted it, a loving—if a bit intrusive—family, and Ben. Ben made me happy. We’d develop a hobby to share. Golf. Pickup games of soccer with the neighborhood teens. Maybe I could brush up on my construction skills and be a real asset to the local community. There was more rebuilding to be done, even two years after the hurricane.

I just had to convince Ben to stay. That he needed me as much as I needed him.

As I pounded up the road toward home, I formulated a plan. With my support, Ben could attend school either remotely or by transferring to the university on the island. Going full-time, he could finish up his degree within a semester. There were plenty of kids who needed help on the island. He’d volunteer or else find a paid job at a local organization. And we’d work something out so he could see his friends and family in California as often as he liked. Satisfied with my arguments, I slowed and walked back to the house.

Still dripping sweat, I slipped off my sneakers and crept silently to the bedroom door. Ben had rolled onto his stomach, cradling my pillow. I watched his back rise and fall. I could’ve watched him the rest of the day, but I was sticky and rank with sweat.

As quietly as possible, I grabbed clean clothes and went to the hall bath to shower.

Twenty minutes later, I’d just poured myself a cup of coffee when my phone buzzed on the counter. When I leaned over to silence it, I saw a face that made my heart rocket into my throat. Jackson’s.

I wasn’t ready to talk to him. Not yet. I hadn’t responded to his calls or texts for three weeks, since I slunk out of my office that day, my blood soaking Ben’s handkerchief. We’d been best friends for fifteen years, and we’d never gone this long without checking in. Even when he was on his honeymoon, he texted me photos of the beach, of lizards and birds, a silly selfie holding a coconut next to his head.

The phone stopped buzzing. I could breathe again. I sucked in an air-conditioned breath and looked up when Coco’s nails clicked on the tile.

The dog preceded Ben into the living room. Coco took up his post, guarding the slider. Ben’s hair was rumpled, and one of my T-shirts hung off his leaner body. His cheeks were pink, one of them creased by the pillow. He walked up to me and rose on his toes to kiss my cheek.

“Morning.” His breath smelled like toothpaste.

“M-morning.” I tried to smile.

I didn’t fool Ben. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” But I couldn’t keep from glancing at my phone.

Ben followed my gaze, and the banner on the lock screen gave away my secret.

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