Page 30 of Silver Secrets

“That’s exactly what you are doing, Red. You’re choosing not to open up to me.”

She nodded. “I‘m supposed to be invisible, Gage. That’s how I like it.”

“You’ve never been invisible to me.”

“A woman told you she doesn’t want to be touched. I would think someone as kind and observant as you would just leave it be.”

His eyes narrowed. “Something is wrong. No matter how many times you try to ignore me or tell me I’m imagining things, I know it. No matter how many times Lily, or Hawk, or anyone else tries to tell me you’re just a reserved person. I know this pulling back? This closing yourself off? It isn’t right. Iamobservant. And I see all the signs.”

“All the signs? Of what, exactly.”

“Of a woman who has been hurt.”

She scoffed, unwrapping her sub and praying he couldn’t see the way her fingers shook. “I think the sad reality is that every woman has been hurt in some way or another by the time she gets to be my age.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about, and you know it. You don’t just shy away from someone specific touching you. It’s not just avoiding Dillon, who gives off aggressive asshole vibes, or the clerk at the grocery store who won’t listen to your answer about going to dinner with him. It’salltouch. I’ve even seen the way you shrink away when Lily and Gunner are all over each other. I see the way you look at Hawk when he flirts. You struggled to even let Stone get near you the other night in the forest, and that was for a purely platonic medical reason. You only let me carry you out of there because I insisted and you didn’t want to make a scene?—”

“You couldn’t possibly know that,” she whispered.

“You don’t have to tell me about your past. You don’t have to explain it to me. I just want you to know that you’re safe with me. I would never, ever hurt you. And if something is going on now, you can talk to me. I want to make sure no one else can hurt you, Red.”

Sloane set her sandwich down on the wrapper still on the bench between them.

“I want to trust you. I know I can trust you. It’s just that, I was an undergrad when something… happened. Touch hasn’t been a safe thing for me in a very, very long time, Gage. I can’t tell you more, so please don’t ask me to. All you need to know is that I’m broken. And I don’t think anything is ever going to change that.”

“You’re not broken.” His words rumbled so low that she felt the vibrations in her own chest. “I respect that you don’t want to tell me more, Sloane. I don’t like it one fucking bit, and it’s probably going to drive me mad with worry, but I respect it. The only thing I know for sure out of this whole thing is that you are not broken.”

“How can you not see it? You stopped me from falling over back there and I freaked out. I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that. I’m so sorry, Gage. I’m a therapist, and I can’t even fix myself. I think that makes me the biggest fraud in the history of the world.”

“Sloane. You. Are. Not. Broken. You arenota fraud. You’re scared. I don’t know what from, but I want to. I want to be someone you trust with that truth.” His eyes dropped to where her fingers were brushing over her necklace. “You trusted me enough to put that tracking device in your pendant and I fucking want to kill whoever put that fear so deep in your heart that you think you need it right now to be safe. I know you’re not ready and I won’t press, but one day you will be, and I just want you to know that I’m here. I’ll be here, to sit with you, and hear what happened. And I’ll believe you. I’ll support you however I can.”

“Have you heard of touch starvation?” she whispered.

“No.” He shook his head. “What is it?”

“It’s where someone has a chronic lack of physical touch. Even though they want to be held. To be hugged. To be touched. They can’t. There’s something that stops them from getting that contact. And they become touch starved. It makes loneliness, depression, and anxiety worse. ”

“Do you think you have that?” His words were filled with so much empathy that they dripped with concern.

“I know I do.” She smiled weakly. “It’s been so long since I’ve been able to… But then Mae and Lily came into my life and it felt safe to let them hug me. And I think that made it worse.”

“Why?”

“Because I want more. And I can’t have it.”

The way he looked at her made it seem like he was trying to figure out a puzzle. “How do you know you can’t have more? Have you tried?”

“With Lily and Mae? I love them, Gage, but not like that.” Sloane winked, trying to break the tension as she reached for her sandwich again. Maybe if she had a mouth full of food, Gage would forget the way she’d just vaguely dumped her trauma onto him.

He laughed, the smile so genuine that it reached all the way to his eyes. “That’s a very interesting idea, but I wasn’t thinking like that, Red. I meant, have you thought about exploring more touch with someone you trust? In whatever way makes you feel safe and supported.”

She took a bite of her sandwich, then another one. The chewing forced her brain to slow down. Because as soon as the words had left his mouth, Sloane was picturing all the ways they could work on touch exposure together.

“I’ve wanted to, yes. I’m not just a therapist. I also see one regularly and have… for a very long time. They’ve suggested every form of exposure therapy to me over the years. But if I’m being honest, I’m scared I’ll freak out and whoever is with me won’t be able to handle it.”

“I can handle it.”

“Gage, I?—”

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