Page 5 of Blackout-

I made a lot of promises to myself too.

Hell, I made a promise to her not two hours ago when I came inside her.

That alone makes me sick to my stomach and I find myself walking backward into the kitchen.

The struggle is real.

It’s fucking lethal.

Swiping a hand over my face, I spread my fingers and peer back at the clock.

Ten minutes.

Ten fucking minutes is all that’s passed.

Defeated, I reach for the phone and damn the early hour to hell as I pull up my sobriety coach’s number. I don’t hesitate as I hit send and quickly lift the ringing phone to my ear. Billy answers on the third ring and I swear I breathe a sigh of relief the moment the sound of his groggy voice hits my ear.

“Blackie,” he greets. “What’s wrong?”

Pulling out a chair, I fold myself into it and drop my head as shame engulfs me. When I finally find my voice, it sounds nothing like my own.

“I want to get high,” I confess. “I want to fucking forget I exist, Billy.”

“Where’s Lacey?”

My hair falls in front of my eyes as I lift my head and glance over at the stairs.

“She’s sleeping,” I rasp. The last thing I want is for her to wake and see me like this. She’ll get the wrong impression and automatically assume I’m doubting her and the life we’re meant to have which couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s never her I doubt. It’s always me. Always my choices, my past, my sins.

“When was the last time you went to a meeting?”

Trying to recall, I shake my hair away from my eyes and thread my fingers through the locks.

“I don’t know…a week ago, maybe two…” I don’t even know what fucking day it is. Since all that shit imploded at the garage, every day has blended into the next. I don’t remember the last time I slept through the fucking night.

“Reckon it’s time you get yourself to the community center. I’ll come with you,” he offers.

“When does it stop, Billy? When does it go away?”

“It doesn’t Blackie. You just gotta keep reminding yourself that you’re stronger than your addictions. You’re a capable man worthy of God’s blessings. You have a beautiful wife who loves you and brothers that respect you. They need you, Black. They need you to be your best version of yourself.”

Billy knows I’m part of a motorcycle club, but I’ve never divulged what that entails. He might assume but doesn’t know the blood I’ve seen or the hell I’ve caused. If he did, he wouldn’t think I’m worthy of shit.

“Blackie,” he calls.

“I’m here,” I say hoarsely.

“Let’s recite the serenity prayer,” he encourages.

“Billy—”

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.”

He pauses, waiting for me to join him. It’s ridiculous to think a prayer can help but I entertain the man. After all, it’s the least I can do after waking him.

“Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

“You can’t change the fact that you’re an addict, but you can dig deep inside your soul and find the courage you need to change how you handle it. You did that by picking up the phone and calling me.”

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