Page 66 of Perfect Mess

“Downward Dog!” Johan yipped. “Butts higher. Glutes tighter. Legs straight!”

Johan marched us through another series of positions only suitable for a twenty-one-year-old, jointless acrobat. Then, mercifully, the yoga class ended.

Janet and I hit the showers, then went to our lockers to change. As I pulled on my panties underneath my towel, I noticed Janet looking over at me, grinning. Not only grinning, her eyes were sparkling.

“What?”

Janet kept grinning as I pulled on a pair of shorts.

“What?” I asked again.

“So.”

“So?”

“How’s it going with you and Gary?”

“What do you mean, me and Gary?”

“You two are cute together.”

I made a face. And it wasn’t just because of Janet’s completely erroneous and grossly misguided assumption. It was also because there was an older woman changing at the bank of lockers across from us. The woman was naked, naturally. And by naturally, I mean nature was on full frontal display.

I averted my eyes, refocusing on Janet. “Gary and I aren’t cute together. Gary and I aren’t anything together. Gary and I aren’t together at all.”

Janet still had the stupid grin on her face. “Okay. Sure.”

Unfortunately, I caught another sideways glimpse of the naked woman. And I take back that comment I made earlier aboutmyboobs sagging. Compared to the naked woman, mine were as pert as a plastic surgeon’s twenty-two-year-old mistress.

Stuffing my own boobs into my bra, I said, “I’m serious, Janet,” a little louder than I intended. “I just gave him a ride to the book signing.”

“If you say so.”

“I do say so.”

“I heard you say so.”

“Good. Because I said it.”

Even though I was being extremely careful not to look behind me, I caught a glimpse in the mirror. The naked older woman’s cooch looked like Gandalf’s beard.

* * *

We stoppedat the smoothie bar on our way out of the gym. Janet ordered us two vegan Green Monsters, a special kale and spinach mixture blended in house. Mine tasted like vomit flavored paste.

Eager to shift the focus away from Janet’s utterly insane, warped perceptions about me and Gary, I asked, “What about you and Jack? Have you seen him again?”

Janet shook her head, the grin finally fading. “Not since pickleball. I called him yesterday at work but that nurse of his, Kelsey, put me on hold until I hung up. I don’t think she likes me.”

As I attempted to suck my smoothie, my level of hope, unlike the green chunks in my straw, started to rise. It seemed, perhaps, I still had a window of opportunity to course correct fate’s failings. Despite the mishaps at the grocery store and the book signing. Maybe there was still a chance for me to make things right.

Then Janet said, “At least I get to see him again on Saturday.”

“Saturday?” My voice cracked just a bit. I pretended I was choking on the smoothie. Which wasn’t hard to fake. “What’s going on Saturday?”

“Jack’s medical practice is sponsoring a charity 5k. He asked me if I wanted to volunteer.”

I looked at Janet as if she had signed up for a colonoscopy but declined the anesthesia. “Volunteer for what? Do psych evals on anyone who would willingly run a 5k?”

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