Page 122 of Perfect Mess

“What makes you think I’m not okay?” I said.

“It’s looks like you’ve been crying.” Jack was looking at me, just as curious as I was looking at him. Had I been crying? It was only then that I realized I had been.

I considered Jack’s question. Turning it over and over in my mind. “I’m fine,” I said, after realizing, really, that I was. “I’m good. Actually, I’m great.”

“Good.” His eyes never wavered. “That’s great that you’re great.”

“I am.”

Jack nodded. “I’m doing pretty great too.” When he spoke, the now familiar scents of vanilla and oak rolled off his tongue. I had lost count of how many Blue Hawaiians he had. Just like I had lost count of how many jalapeño lagers I had myself.

Jack’s eyes shifted back to the spine of the Kama Sutra, the devil dancing on his lips. “You know…” Jack started saying.

I held up my hand to stop him. “Let me guess. You traveled to India. Learned to master every technique.”

Jack’s smile was like a shark's smile. All gleaming white flesh rending teeth. “Actually, it was the city of Patna in Bihar. Me and some buddies from med school went backpacking across Asia.” He shrugged it off like hiking an entire continent was nothing more than a walk in the park. “It’s not all about the positions, you know. It’s also about love and family.”

I looked up at him. Although he was much taller, I met him eye to eye. For the first time, I noticed he must have broken his nose at some point, because it listed a bit to the side. And his eyes weren’t entirely blue. There were flecks of brown and grey. Was he wearing contact lenses? There were faint pock marks on his skin, almost hidden beneath the stubble on his cheeks. Old scars from what must have been a lingering case of acne. Jack Thompson. Football stud. Homecoming King. Zit face.Probably all the steroids.

“So that’s what you learned from the Kama Sutra, Jack? How to love? Raise a family?”

There was that shark smile again. Shark eyes too. All black and treacherous. “Among other things.” Jack leaned in as my back pressed against the edge of the shelf, his hand coming to rest right next to mine. “Mostly, I learned about the art of living a fulfilled and harmonious life.”

“Fulfillment and harmony?” I snorted out loud. What a crock of B.S. “Please Jack, enlighten me. What’s the secret to a harmonious and fulfilled life?”

Jack shifted his stance, his hips now pointed toward mine. “Well, first, live every day to the fullest. Don’t be afraid to take risks.” It was like his crotch was shooting off an electromagnetic pulse. Activating all of my nerve endings. Lighting up my whole body from inside.

I tried to back away further, but I was trapped against the shelf. Like a swimmer in the ocean, the shark coming under the water, jaws open wide.

Jack reached up and brushed away the clump of hair that had fallen down into my eyes. The gentle touch of his fingertips made every square inch of my skin break out in goosebumps. “To live in harmony, you can’t be frightened of the consequences. To be truly fulfilled, you have to seize opportunity when it comes.” I didn’t realize I was staring at my feet until Jack’s hand gently lifted my chin. “You were always one of those shy girls, Mary. Timid. Afraid. I’m not being critical. Just stating facts.”

I wish I could have summoned the outrage to refute him. I wish I could have looked him dead in the eye and told him he was wrong. But he wasn’t wrong. Jack was right. When it came to love. When it came to being honest with myself. When it came to allowing myself to feel genuine feelings, I was a coward. I had been one my entire life.

Somehow, Jack was even closer now. The shark coming in for the kill. “But here’s the thing, Mary. You’re not that same little girl anymore. Are you? No, I can tell that you’re not. You’re a big girl now. Ready. Willing. Able. To go after what you truly want.”

It was like I had gone to get my teeth checked and the dentist had shot up my entire body with Novocain. I thought my knees were going to buckle. It felt like my head was swimming in an ocean of jalapeño flavored beer. My mouth was surely dripping drool. One more second and Jack was going to have to scoop me up off the floor and give me mouth to mouth. “You learned all that from a book?”

“I didn’t learn that from a book.”

“No?”

“Nope.”

“How did you learn it, then?” My heart was beating so loud and so fast I could barely hear the words coming out of my mouth.

“Practice.”

I wasn’t sure which one of us moved forward first. Did Jack step toward me? Or did I step toward him? Before I knew what was happening, his face was right in front of mine. Our lips touched. Then pressed together tight. Like we both had a mouth full of magnets, pulling us together against our wills.

I was vaguely aware of my hands on his shoulders, his muscles tense and stiff underneath. I was vaguely aware of his hands moving down my lower back, pulling my body against his.

I didn’t know which one of us started it.

What I did know was that neither one of us pulled away.

At first.

Somehow, a sliver of logic and reason wormed its way into my brain.What the hell are you doing?I was kissing Jack. Jack was with Janet. I was kissing the man who was with my best friend. I lifted my hands to his chest and nudged him away for separation. It seemed like he had to battle his own demons to break away, too.

---