Page 121 of Perfect Mess

“Mary, look at me.” I didn’t want to look at Gary, but my eyes opened anyway. I could feel my hands still wrapped inside his hands. And for some reason, I still hadn’t pulled away. “If Janet sees us like this, she might get the wrong idea. You’ll blow your chances.”

“I don’t want to be with Janet,” said Gary. “I want to be with you.” His eyes sparked, little fireworks blasting off inside the whirlpools.

It was like watching one of those romance movies on the big screen, munching on popcorn and sipping a Coke. Look up there. This is the big declaration. Where the hero declares his feelings for the heroine. And oh, hey look, the heroine is me.

Or maybe it wasn’t a romance movie, it was a horror movie. Or a comedy movie. Maybe a mutant combination of all three.

For several seconds, or minutes, or decades, neither one of us blinked. “Mary?” Gary was still standing in front of me. And this wasn’t a movie. It was very much real life. “Say something.”

“I have to go to the bathroom.” Spinning away from him, I hurried away as fast as my feet could carry me. I was moving so fast I didn’t see the cart with all the books that still needed to be put away. I crashed into it and the cart toppled over, spilling paperbacks all over the floor. I didn’t stop though, I just kept moving.

When I reached the back of the bookstore, I stumbled into the bathroom and slammed the door, grabbing onto the sides of the sink with both hands to steady myself. I hadn’t lied to Gary. I really had to get to the bathroom. But it wasn’t because I needed to pee. I had to get to the bathroom so Gary wouldn’t see me come apart. I had to get to the bathroom so Gary wouldn’t see me shatter into a million pieces like a stupid, blubbering fool right in front of him. Staring into the mirror, my cheeks were red and my eyes glazed over like wet asphalt after a monsoon.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” I shouted into the mirror. It took all of my willpower to keep my hands at my sides so I didn’t punch my reflection in the face.

You probably think I was upset because the plan to expose Jack had crumbled. You’re most likely thinking that I was on the verge of tears because I finally realized I would never have Jack for myself. But that wasn’t why I was upset. I wasn’t upset about Janet and Jack. I was upset about Gary.

Staring into the mirror, I wondered how I could have let it happen. I was too busy obsessing about Jack and Janet to see what was happening right in front of my face. He had fallen for me, and I had ignored all the signs and let it happen. True, Gary and I had more in common than I first thought, but there was still no way that Gary and I could ever work. Honestly, he deserved better than anything I could ever give him, anyway.

I wiped away the tears on my cheek with the back of my hand, then stared myself in the eye. Gary and me. Me and Gary. It could never work.Could it?I blew my nose with a big wad of toilet paper. I couldn’t even believe that I was contemplating the possibility.

Gary and I had fun together for now, sure, but life isn’t all fun and games. Life is hard. Life is complicated. It’s hard enough to survive on your own. Surviving together, with someone else, your partnership, your union, better be air tight. No room for doubts. No foothold for division. Because once that first crack forms, no matter how small, it grows, and it grows. And it keeps growing and growing until everything falls apart.

Better not to risk it at all.

When I came out of the bathroom, Gary was nowhere to be seen. I didn’t see Jack or Janet either. I assumed Gary was embarrassed by his momentary lack of sanity, and was now hiding alone by himself in a closet. Jack and Janet were probably in another closet. Making out. All of which was fine by me. The last thing in the world I wanted at that moment was to see, hear, or talk to anyone else.

I returned to the cart I knocked over and began picking up the books. It was a pleasant distraction. But a completely useless one. I couldn’t stop thinking about what Gary said. The entire plan, the entire time, was to get Janet to realize she belonged with Gary. How the hell could that possibly happen if Gary was really interested in me? No wonder all our efforts had crashed and burned. No wonder the past few weeks had been one disaster after the next.

One of the books I picked up off the floor was a contemporary romance. The front cover was a pastel colored drawing of a handsome man and a beautiful woman looking dreamily into each other’s eyes. They were happy. They were smiling. The look of true and everlasting love sparkled on their stupid faces.

What a joke. Like that actually ever happened. If any of those books were actually anything close to the truth, they would have to be shelved in the horror section.

As I finished stacking the books back on the cart, I told myself it was all for the best. Now that we had officially failed to break Jack and Janet apart, Gary and I could each go our separate ways. It was better for everyone. Safer for certain. Besides, I didn’t even care about Janet being with Jack anymore. Turned out, Jack wasn’t such a bad guy after all. He really had changed. Janet was lucky to have someone like him. I was wrong to interfere.

I finished picking up the books and began weaving the cart through the shelves. When I heard Gary and Janet talking, I turned around and went back the other way. I couldn’t face either of them. I picked up one of the books to put away in the Self-Help section.Making Better Choices. I couldn’t help but laugh out loud.

Janet was a big girl capable of making her own choices. Right or wrong, they were her choices to make. Just like it wasmychoice to decide what I wanted inmylife. And if the choice I made was to live my life as a hermit in Antarctica, then that was my choice to make.

It was better, before, I decided, when I put all my time and my energy into work. Buying houses. Fixing houses. Selling houses. At least then you can see the actual fruits of your labor. At least with real estate, all your investments of time and emotion and hard work actually paid off.

When I looked back up at the shelf, the Dr. Ruth bobblehead was staring at me again, shaking her head in pity.Fuck you Dr. Ruth.So what if Gary had feelings for me? So what if I had feelings for him?

Feelings are temporary. Feelings fade. The kind of relationship that I wanted, the kind that doesn’t end up in misery and suffering and tears, needed more than just feelings to survive. A solid relationship needed iron clad unity. A solid relationship needed both people to always be on the same page. A solid relationship required two people who were perfect for each other, so nothing could ever rip them apart.

I could still hear Gary’s voice coming from somewhere across the rows of shelves. He was still talking to Janet. I couldn’t make out what they were saying, but I could hear his voice. I decided I had to stop running. I had to go back and confront him and tell him the truth. Gary and I would never work. No matter how he felt about me. No matter how I felt about him.

I had to tell Gary that what he thought he was feeling for me wasn’t real. The last thing either of us would want to see happen is for us to get together and then break apart. Like his ex-wife, Anne. Like me and Greg. Or my parents. The world was already cruel enough as it was.

I paused at the end of the Dr. Ruth aisle, resting my hand on the shelf so I could gather my strength. Taking a deep breath, I rehearsed what I was going to say. I would tell Gary that now that we knew Jack and Janet were truly happy together, it might be best if we just went our separate ways. Now that we knew Jack had changed, and that he was a decent human being, there was no reason for us to continue playing games. We had to separate before things could get any more awkward. Turn around now, well before the point of no return. That way, no one would get hurt.

“Good choice.” His voice came from behind me, a whisper in my ear.

When I turned around, Jack and I were standing face to face. “Good choice?”Could Jack read my mind?

“That one there.” Jack pointed to the book where my hand was resting. The Kama Sutra.Because of course it was.

“Are you okay?” Jack asked.

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