Page 60 of Poolside

He and Wade got to the restaurant at the same time, and only had to wait a few minutes for Miguel to join them. Their table was tucked back into a corner, and Chuck agreed to share a bottle of wine Miguel picked out.

“How’s work?” Chuck asked Wade, who was frowning down at his glass of water.

Wade grunted. “You mean the absolute shitshow of a minor league team I’ve got to figure out how to coach?”

“Those kids are lucky to have you,” said Miguel.

“They’re bratty adults,” Wade muttered. “I wish they were kids, sometimes.”

Chuck tried and failed to hide his smirk. “But then you couldn’t be your full, dickish self. You have to actually be sweet with little kids.”

“You do remember that I have a child, right?” Wade rubbed a hand over his face. “Enough about my life. How’s summer going for you two? Miguel, are you and Richard packed for Guatemala?”

Miguel and their husband were traveling to Guatemala on a research grant to study indigenous textiles of the region over the summer. They replied, “We leave next week. Richard can paint from anywhere, so we'll be traveling and studying and eating kak’ik. Living the dream,” they added with a happy sigh.

“Lucky dog,” Wade said, shooting Miguel a teasing smile.

Chuck felt good and happy, and maybe even a little bit lighter than he’d felt for the past two months. Maybe the meds were actually working.

“How’s swimming with your hot friend who you definitely don’t have a crush on?” Miguel asked, wiggling their eyebrows.

Oh. Right. Chuck hadn’t told them about…everything. He knew Wade had hung out with Tommy at least once, but wasn’t sure how forthcoming Tommy had been with him. He considered holding back—maybe it was better to guard everything happening between him and Tommy. To keep it close.

But as he looked at his two friends, who watched him with earnest compassion and understanding, he realized if anyone in the world could understand, it would be the two of them.

He launched into an explanation of everything that had happened: the kiss after David’s birthday, the subsequent conversation in the pool and then Tommy venturing out to date other people and explore his sexuality. He kept his gaze fixed on the table as he told them about the locker room hook-up, Tommy’s heartfelt confession, and all of the reasons why Chuck thought pursuing anything more with him was a bad idea.

“He’s too new, right?” Chuck asked, hands waving in front of himself for emphasis. “He’s known he’s bi all of a month, and now, what? He thinks we can date?” He shook his head. “There’s no way he can know for sure, and I can’t do that to myself. What if we start something and then he changes his mind?”

Wade was frowning at him, and Miguel wore a similar expression of discomfort on their face.

“What?” Chuck asked. “What should I do?”

Miguel took a deep breath before responding. “I know being queer hasn’t been easy for you. That part of yourself cost you your relationship with your parents, and I understand how crushing and deeply unfair that is. You, like so many others, have spent a lot of time in the closet, andthat is okay. For you, that was the path that felt safe and real.” They paused, and reached out to gently grasp Chuck’s hand. “But just because that was your path doesn’t mean it will be Tommy’s. If this realization is easy for him, if coming out as bisexual is effortless, then that is what is true for him.”

“You don’t get to gate-keep queerness,” Wade added, his expression sympathetic. “You don’t get to define someone’s sexuality for them.”

Their words punched right through him. He knew they were right, both of them. He knew he had no right to tell Tommy he was wrong about what he wanted, that he didn’t know himself and his desires. “But if it’s real…” Chuck started, his voice wavering.

“Then the fantasy could become a reality,” Miguel offered. “And, that,mi amor, can be terrifying.”

“Fuck,” Chuck muttered, burying his head in his hands.

That was exactly what he was afraid of.

* * *

It wasn’t until Chuck was in his car that he realized how long it had been since he’d been to Tommy’s place. Sure, he’d helped him move in after he and Courtney had sold their house, and had maybe been over to watch a game one weekend with the guys, but most of their time together was spent at Chuck’s place.

He walked up to the door to Tommy’s condo, swallowing in an effort to calm the nervous energy that buzzed in him. He forced an audible exhale and knocked.

“Chuck?” Tommy blinked at him. “Hi. Come in.”

Chuck walked in, pausing in the entryway to untie his Converse high tops. He glanced over at Tommy, who was watching him with an uncertain frown on his face. He wore an undershirt still tucked into his slacks, and his hair was especially messy, sticking up from his head like he’d been tugging at it.

Chuck followed him into the sterile, open-concept kitchen and living area. There was an open laptop on the small dining table with papers and folders strewn about. “Sorry about the mess,” Tommy said, rushing over to the table and shuffling the papers into a haphazard pile. “I’ve got so much shit to do with this promotion coming up. It’s like Rick expects us to be able to offer an in-depth explanation of every single number generated on every single report. Do I know why the fuck the average length of rental is down this calendar year at the Downtown branch? No, Rick. I don’t fucking know.” He huffed, ran his fingers back through his hair, and then looked up at Chuck. “Sorry,” he said, his mouth tugging into a tight smile. “What’s up?”

Chuck wet his bottom lip. “Can we sit?”

---