Page 59 of Poolside

“Hey,” Chuck said.

Tommy stared at him for a moment. “Can I come in?”

Chuck nodded, stepping aside, and got a noseful of Tommy’s cologne as he brushed past. Tommy took off his shoes quickly and then went and sat down on one of the chairs that faced the couch.

Shit. Tommy always sat with him on the couch. Swallowing, Chuck padded on bare feet over to the couch, tucking his legs up under himself as he sunk back into the cushions. Sitting up felt like too much work.

“Are you okay?”

Chuck saw the concern clear on Tommy’s face. “Fine,” he said, hating the bitter taste of the lie on his tongue.

Tommy frowned, and for a moment Chuck thought he was going to push back. But Tommy shook his head and ran a hand through his hair.

“There are a few things that I want to say,” Tommy began.

Chuck’s heart thudded painfully in his chest. He nodded.

“I’m not good at pretending, Chuck. Not after the past few years. So I’m sorry if I come on too strong, or if what I say is too much.” Tommy smoothed his hands down his thighs. “I think it’s only fair if I’m honest with you. I’ve done the ‘say what I think they want to hear’ thing, and we both know how that turned out.”

Skinny Bones chose that moment to prance into the room. He jumped onto the couch and shoved his soft head against Chuck’s bouncing knee, and something in him settled as he felt the low vibrations of his purring against his body.

A small, pained smile played on Tommy’s mouth. “I’m into you, Chuck. Really, really fucking into you. I’m here because I’m not looking for anyone else. I can’t imagine wanting anyone else while you’re in the world. But you were a dick. I get that you are looking out for yourself, but you hurt me, man. You really fucking hurt me.

“Do you not believe me? Do you think I’m lying when I say that I want you? Chuck, if we weren’t already friends I’d be asking you out, asking you a million questions about who you are and what you like, because I’d be that desperate to get to know you better. But I already know you,” he said, his smile growing as he looked at Chuck. “So I already know you’re my favorite person in the world. My days are better when I’m sharing parts of them with you, and when I think about you, I feel fucking overwhelmed, because I don’t think I’ve ever wanted someone like I want you. Something about you has my body starving for you—” He stopped abruptly, an anguished look on his face. “I feel like I’m fucking this up,” he said, and Chuck couldn’t be sure if Tommy was talking to himself or to him.

Chuck had no idea what to say. On the one hand, there was Tommy: beautiful,impossibleTommy, sitting there and saying everything Chuck had never allowed himself to imagine. He wantedhim, wanted Chuck in a way that made heat and warmth and emotion surge inside his chest. Everything was right there, plopped onto his lap, and all he needed to do was reach out and grab it.

But Tommy didn’t know everything. He didn’t know that Chuck wasn’t the man he projected to the world. He didn’t know about the sadness and desperation that sometimes threatened to drag him under. He didn’t know Chuck was so muchlessthan Tommy thought he was.

Tommy cleared his throat, shooting a tense smile at him as he pushed up to standing. “Anyway. I just needed you to know where I’m at. What happened in the locker room was—fuck, Chuck, it changedeverythingfor me.” He paused, gathering himself. “But I need you to talk to me. I deserve at least that. If you decide you’re in, it’s on you to take that next step. And if you’re not, if you want to shut this down, then you owe me that too.”

Chuck didn’t have time to react when Tommy walked across the room and bent down to press a soft kiss to the top of his head. It was so unexpected, sotenderand sweet, that Chuck could only sit there frozen and dumbstruck as Tommy slid his feet back into his shoes and, with nothing but a quiet, “Later, Chuck,” walked out the door.

Holy fuck.

Tears pricked Chuck’s eyes, and he felt an overwhelming rush of anger. Fuck the part of his brain that had convinced him he didn’t deserve a man like Tommy. Why couldn’t he just open his mouth and say:Yes, Tommy. Yes to all of it. Please wrap me up in your arms and tell me that we can take on the world together, that I don’t have to be alone anymore. Please, please love me and be gentle with my heart.

But the moment had passed. He dug the heels of his hands into his eyes but still the tears came, streaming down his face like a faucet had been opened.

At least he had the new meds on the horizon. He’d start them next week, and hopefully he’d find equilibrium again. Heneededthem to work.

Skinny Bones dug biscuits into Chuck’s thigh, and absently, Chuck reached out to scratch the cat’s head. Only then did he realize he hadn’t said anything to Tommy. His friend had done something brave, so much more courageous than Chuck was capable of being, and he’d just sat there.

He’d sat there and let him walk away.

Shame joined the dark desperation crowding the edges of his vision, and Chuck did the only thing that he could: lay down with his arms curled tightly around his middle.

* * *

Chuck was giddy when he picked up his new prescription.

As soon as he got home he double checked the dosage and tossed the pill back. He felt tangible relief as he chased it with a long drink of water, like tension was melting away. He knew the instant ease was probably a placebo effect, but he didn’t give a shit.

Better was better, no matter how he got there.

He moved through the day, running errands while shoving all of the heavy shit that weighed on him to the back of his mind for later. He’d tackle the long list of things he needed to think about once the meds kicked in. When he felt stronger.

He painted his nails—a dark turquoise, this time, because it reminded him of the shadows on the bottom of the outdoor pool in the early morning before the sun came up. He was going to grab dinner with Miguel and Wade and had already put on a nicer pair of jeans and a soft linen button up that Tommy had once told him was the color of oatmeal.

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