Page 4 of Without You I Have Nothing To Lose

My cousin Vince had been sent to live with us after he got into trouble. I don’t know what he did, but I was glad that he was here. I always looked at him as a big brother, so I was excited. He was three years older than me and already out of high school. I know he was hanging in the streets, so I naturally assumed that’s what he got in trouble for.

It was a Wednesday afternoon, and I got home from school early since I didn’t have volleyball practice.. My mama was at work, and my brother was still at school for aftercare. When I walked in the house, Vince in the living room watching TV.

“Wassup, Cuz? You home early,” he greeted.

“Yeah. We didn’t have practice today, so I came straight home. I’ll stay out of your way, though. I know you’re used to having the house to yourself during the day.” I planned on taking a nap anyway, so he didn’t have to worry about me.

“Nah, you good. I’m just a visitor. Remember?”

“Boy, hush. You’ve been here for six months. My mama would have to evict you to get you out of here now,” I laughed, and he joined in.

“You right. I’on want to be all in y’all way and shit. That’s why I stay low.” He stared at me intensely, like he always does, but I brushed it off as usual. I chalked it up to him being so serious all the time.

“Well, since you put it like that, let me go change and we can watch a movie.” He nodded, and I trotted down the hallway to my room so I could change. I changed into my go to, which consisted of cheer shorts and a crop top. We settled on Money Talks. Chris Tucker always left me in stitches. Halfway through the movie, I got sleepy. I knew it would happen, but I still wanted to watch the movie.

“I know you ain’t going to sleep on me?” Vince quizzed.

“Not yet, but I’m on the way,” we laughed.

“You bad company, Cuz. Over there going to sleep on a nigga and shit.” He placed his hand on my thigh, and that caught me off guard. Again, I brushed it off.

“I’m not even going to lie and say I won’t go to before the movie is over, so I’m gonna go take a nap. If you’re up to it, we can catch another one later.” I stretched and got up, leaving Vince in the living room alone. Once I got in my room, I collapsed on the bed and drifted off. I couldn’t have been sleeping for no more than thirty minutes before I felt my bed dip and a hand going up my shirt. My eyes popped open, and Vince was standing over me with a deadpan look on his face. A feeling of bewilderment took over me because I didn’t understand what was going on…or why. I tried to get up, but he quickly pushed me back down. The confusion that I was experiencing quickly turned to one of fear.

“Vince, get off of me!” I struggled against his strength.

“Stop all that moving before you make me hurt you. You know you want this shit. Always walking around with those lil’ ass shorts on and shit. Always wanting to spend time with me alone. The fuck you do all that for if you ain’t tryna give me the pussy?” I was still fighting against him because he was now trying to take my shorts off.

“Vince, please don’t do this,” I pleaded. “I was just being nice because you’re my cousin. Please don’t.” I sobbed profusely as I struggled against the strength of my cousin. Every time I pleaded for him to stop; it fell on deaf ears. The moment he penetrated me against my will and took my innocence and sanity was the moment I lost my will to live. I fought as much as I could, but he had his solid six-foot frame pressed into mine, which was only five foot three. I don’t know how long I laid there while he stole my will to live. I couldn’t believe this. I blacked out and didn’t realize he was finished until he pulled out and finished on my stomach. I just laid there. I was distraught and disgusted. How could he do this? Why did he do this?

“Go clean that shit up before Auntie gets home.” He started to walk out of the room but stopped and turned around and stared at me, but I avoided his gaze. “You better not say shit either, or it’ll get worse for you.” With that, he left out of my room, and I hurried and put a chair under my door. I wouldn’t dare leave until my mama got home. I took my shirt off and wiped his semen off of me and threw it out of my hand like it was on fire. Next, I took the lightly stained comforter off my bed and did the same thing. I put on a pair of sweats and a hood and curled up in the corner and cried my eyes out until I had no more tears left.

That day was the just the beginning of the most horrific year of my life. Vince raped me every chance he got for almost a year. It only stopped because I had gotten pregnant. My periods were regular, so when I hadn’t gotten one for two months straight, I knew something was wrong. I went to the school nurse to get tested, and they told me what I already knew. I was scared but relieved at the same time because I knew the torture would come to an end. The nurse called my mama to come pick me up because I didn’t want to go back to class after finding out that I was pregnant by my perverted cousin. When she came to pick me up, she bore a look of concern. The nurse told her I was almost ten weeks pregnant and expressed that I didn’t want to keep the baby. My mama then gave me this big speech about being grown and that’s what happens when you be fast. I sat and listened to her chastise me because what else could I say? After signing me out, she drove me straight to the nearest Planned Parenthood and at sixteen; I was getting an abortion.

“Look, Daizha. I know you’re getting of age and probably had urges, but I thought when you had the urge to have sex, you’d come talk to me about it first. Not go and get yourself pregnant. I can barely take care of you and your brother. There was no way I could take care of a baby, too.” I was sitting here listening to her blame me for something that I had no control over, nor did I ask for this shit.

“You’re blaming me for this? Instead of asking me, you just automatically assume I’m out here being fast and not wondering why or who got your sixteen-year-old daughter pregnant. You want to know who this baby’s father is, Ma? Huh?” She looked at me out of the corner of her eye before taking a deep breath.

“Who’s the father, Daizha?” she finally asked.

“It’s Vince’s, Ma. Vince has been raping me since last year, and threatened me every single time that he would hurt you or Aiden if I told. I tried to act as normal as possible, but did you not see the change in me?” She looked at me with a befuddled look on her face. She didn’t say anything else, not even when we pulled up to the center. Afterwards, we went home and the first face we saw was Vince coming out of the kitchen.

“Wassup, Auntie…Dee Dee,” he spoke, and I wanted to throw up right then and there. Repulsed by his presence, I headed straight to my room without speaking. That was until my mama opened her mouth.

“Vince, I just got back from taking Daizha to an abortion clinic. You know anything about that?” I froze and looked between the two of them.

Vince looked between me and my mama and with a straight face said, “Nah, she ain’t say nothing to me about it. I didn’t even know lil’ cuz was in the streets like that. You need me to go handle the nigga or somethin’?”

“What!” I yelled, shocked that this nigga just sat here and lied like that. “You did this to me, you fuckin’ pervert! You did this!” I started swinging on his ass. I endured his bullshit for almost a year, and he just sat there and lied like it was nothing.

“Daizha! Stop it! Get off of him!” I tackled Vince to the ground, punching him wherever my fists landed. I started hitting his ass harder and harder because I got mad at myself for not doing this shit sooner. I felt my mama finally pull me off of him and stood in between us.

“Daizha, calm down! That’s a serious accusation and you can’t go around throwing around claims like that because it could do too much damage. Now, instead of blaming your cousin, you need to tell on whatever lil’ nappy headed boy you’re trying to save.” To say I was shocked was an understatement. I looked at the both of them and while my mama didn’t see it, Vince’s face held a perverse smirk. At that moment it was fuck the both of them. I went into my room and locked myself inside. I didn’t have shit for either one of them.

I was supposed to be resting, but I was packing up whatever I felt was of importance and when I heard my mama leave, I climbed out my room window and I left too. I booked an Uber to pick me up down the street and headed to the bus station. I had five hundred dollars saved up, and I used forty-eight dollars of that to buy a bus ticket and leave Charlington. After I got to the station, I left my phone so I wouldn’t be traced or bothered by her calling. She wanted to believe Vince over me, so fuck the both of them.

Later that night, I arrived in New Grove…a little over an hour and a half away and went to their Youth Crisis Center. I was there two weeks before my mama was notified. She reported me missing and my picture ended up on the news. They had no choice but to contact her. When they called, she told them they could keep me since I wanted to be grown and that was the last time I heard from her. That was four years ago, and I literally went from one hell to another.

I clocked into work before James could bring his cock-eyed ass from his office to bother me. My co-worker, Ariel, was there, and she probably tried to cover for me. She wanted to be my friend, but I didn’t trust anybody, so I kept interactions with her to a minimum.

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