Page 38 of Without You I Have Nothing To Lose

“The last woman I was with was thirty-three. She was childish as fuck, but I kept her around.”

“You and Daizha look around the same age. How did you get with her?” she asked.

I laughed at the thought and said, “she literally ran into me. She was crying about her nigga, and I felt compelled to help her. Shit was strictly platonic for a while. Somewhere down the line, it got deeper and neither one of us fought it. We bonded over the shit that happened to us in our childhood. We understood each other, so I felt right.” I shrugged.

“What happened to her?” she asked.

“That’s not my story to tell. Maybe she’ll be willing to share that with you.” She nodded.

“Did you have more kids?” I asked.

“No. I can’t have any more children. That was one of the reasons I wanted to reach out to you. When I die, I didn’t want to be turned over to the state and disposed of. I wanted family to have my ashes. I didn’t want you to continue living your days wondering where I was. Whether I was dead or alive. Meechie, before I leave here, I need for you to forgive me. Even if you don’t mean it, I need to hear you say that you forgive me. I don’t want to leave this side and my only child hates me. I don’t think I’d be able to deal with that.” I looked at her while I was processing what she was saying. She was right. I needed to forgive her. I just gave Daizha this same speech, so I’d be a hypocrite not to take my own advice.

“Ma, I forgive you. The shit really fucked me up, but you did send me to my pops, so I can give you credit for that. That turned out to be one of the best things to happen to me. He never treated me like a foster kid from the moment I stepped foot into their home. Isabella didn’t either. I may not have any biological siblings, but me and Jaylen are real close. I’d go to war with the whole world about her. I can say thank you, because you didn’t deal me a fucked hand. I just wish you would’ve been there, but I can’t do shit to change that.” She nodded as she wiped the tears away from her eyes after listening to me. I meant what I said. I had to forgive her in order to move on and get my life in order. I wanted to make sure however long she had left here was worth coming back into my life. I want her to enjoy it, and I want to be able to experience it with her.

“Thank you, baby. That’s all I needed to hear.”

It felt like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. This was long overdue. It may have seemed too late, but I was still grateful to have a chance to reconcile. I stayed and talked to her for another hour or so before I left. She walked me to the car and once we got outside; she turned to me and asked for a hug. That shit had me feeling like that ten-year-old lil’ boy all over again. Ma Izzy did a damn good job at filling the void, but it just wasn’t the same.

“I love you, baby,” she said.

“I love you too, Ma,” I croaked out. Shit felt foreign to call her mama let alone tell her I loved her.

I waited until she was back inside before I pulled off. I looked at the clock to check the time. I still had time to catch Zeus at the shop, so I wouldn’t have to go all the way to their house. Pulling up to the shop through the back, I noticed the trucks being packed up. When I went inside, I found him and Ced in his office.

“Wassup, Meech?” Ced greeted me.

“Ain’t shit. Wassup, Pops? You got a minute?” I asked, taking a seat by Ced.

“Y’all need me to leave?” he asked.

“Nah. You straight. I ain’t discussing no top secret shit.”

“Wassup, son?” Zeus asked.

“I went to see Juanita,” I disclosed.

“And how did that go?”

I shrugged. “It went. We talked. I asked questions, and she gave me answers. I told her I forgave her for the shit since she made sure I was wit’ you and shit. She told me the real reason she came back, too.”

“And why was that?”

“So, I could identify her body so she wouldn’t have to go to the state. At first, I wanted to curse her out because she was asking me to do the opposite of what she did for me. But the lil’ boy in me that wanted his mama couldn’t let her go out like that. I mean, I forgave yo’ lying ass. I might as well give her a shot, right?” I saw in his face that he didn’t like that I called him a liar, but shit, it was the truth.

“I’m gon’ let that shit slide, because I know you’re trying to filter through your emotions. I will say this, though. I’m proud of you. I know that may have been hard for you to do, so tell me what changed your mind?”

“Daizha. She reconciled with her people, so I figured I could do the same.” He nodded.

“Well, I’m proud of you, son. You don’t know how much time you have left so enjoy all the time you have left with her.” I nodded in agreement.

“I need you to do one favor for me, though.”

“What’s that?”

“You remember what I told you happened to Daizha?” I gave my pops a rundown on Daizha’s past because he wanted to know what attracted me to her and how we formed a bond that fast. I told him and he was just as pissed as me.

“Yeah, I do. What you need?”

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