Page 186 of Tarek

“Fuck you and your advice,” I don’t bother to wait to hear what he is about to say.

I speedwalk my way out of Nowhere. I feel like I am suffocating. I don’t want to be around anyone. Normally after a breakup I will be fine. In fact, by now I would have someone on my lap begging to be my next girl.

This time it’s different. This time I want to make it right. But I don’t know how? For the past few weeks, I have been sending food to Archers’ home. That’s where she currently is. Anything that she wants, any craving she may still be having. Archer tells me and I am there.

I haven’t built up the courage to ask to see her. She said that I wasn’t the kind of man she wanted to love. That shit hurt but I heard her. I wasn’t it for her. That shit pisses me off more than anything else because she was made for me.

I refuse to have my children live in separate homes. But that’s something I would have to live with for now. It’s a constant war in my head. One side is screaming for me to go after her and bring her back where she belongs. The other side is saying don’t do this. She said she doesn’t love you. She doesn’t think you’re enough for her or my children. I want to scream I am enough and drag her out of her brother’s home. I am worried sick. Is she okay? Is she in pain? What does she need?

It doesn’t take me long to get home. I should be drunk and drugged up, instead I’m walking into my house sober and with a broken heart.

“I was now about to call you. Archer told me about Penny. Want to go have a drink with me.” My father greets me at the door. Archer has accepted my father’s presence so easily, a small part of me feels jealous.

I step past him without answering, my patience is wearing thin.

I walk into the main living room, tossing my jacket over this chair.

“Why are you here?” I ask.

My father sighs and sinks into the single chair opposite me. “To tell you I’m sorry.”

His words make me pause; I glance at him. “Sorry?”

“I should have been a better father.” His voice cracks and that sound pushes me to the edge.

“You mean the way you were to Archer? Always around?” I reply.

He nods, his face full of regret. “You will never understand the decision I made, because you are not aware of the choices I had.”

I let out a low bitter laugh. “You must be fucked in the head to think I care now.”

My father chuckles. “And you think you’re not fucked in the head?”

I stop and look back. “No, I am, and it’s because I am just like you.”

He nods slowly as he digests my words. “It’s like I am cursed.”

“How so?”

“I had to say goodbye to the woman I wanted to spend a lifetime with,” my father whispered.

My rage begins to simmer. “You selfish fuck. What about the woman that killed herself for you?”

He drops his head and lowers his voice. “She didn’t kill herself for me. You will never understand?”

“Understand? What was there to understand? I had a mentally ill mom starving for love and a negligent father.” When I say it out loud, it feels like the pain I buried is clawing its way out.

My father springs to his feet. “You think your mother was a great woman. Do you know how many times I caught her with a pillow hanging over your fucking face?”

I can feel my rage bubbling as my father continues to speak.

“She hated you, Tarek,” he cries. “The day I heard that gunshot I prayed it was her and not you.”

“Yet you left me to take care of a son that didn’t know you fucking existed. WHILE I DID?” I roar my body vibrates with rage.

“I existed! Me! But you ran after a family to be their constant shadow.” I ball my hand in a fist. “While knowing your wife wanted your son dead.”

“Son.” My father bows his head and looks at his palm.

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