Page 61 of Not In Love

A small, broken sound escaped Neena. She pressed the napkin to her mouth, trying to contain it, but her shoulders trembled.

“She was also a kid, Mama. And she took on more and more, hoping one day you would approve of her, that you would remember she’s your kid too. That she too deserves your care and concern. Your love. And not that it excuses it, but Kat and I followed your lead. We started treating her as if she’s some inexhaustible reservoir instead of as a person.”

Kash stared at the table, her mojito glass forgotten, her fingers clenched so tight around the saltshaker that it left tiny imprints in her skin. Even at that moment, she wanted to reassure her mother that she would never abandon her. But the words couldn’t form past the needles in her throat.

For all his quiet, even distant manner, her brother had surmised the situation perfectly.

"I didn’t see it," Neena said finally. "I didn’t want to see it.” Even then, she barely made eye contact with Kash as she muttered, “But Kaif is right. I stopped being your mother a long time ago. I don’t even know what I became.”

Kaif exhaled shakily. His voice gentled, but the pain was still there in his eyes, raw and fraying. "I didn’t behave any better than you or Kat toward her," he said quietly. He looked at Kash fully for the first time since he'd started speaking. "For years, I was ashamed of how much I added to your burden by messing around with the wrong people, running from everything. And once I straightened out my life, I didn’t know how to build a bridge back to you.”

His throat bobbed in a hard swallow.

"Then Kat died," Kaif said, voice cracking, "and you were raising Tia like it was the most natural thing in the world. I was so angry with myself. So ashamed. It took Muriel nagging me—constantly—to realize I was hurting you worse by staying distant.”

Kash cried silently, tears sliding unchecked down her cheeks as she pressed the heel of her palms into her eyes. "That woman is worth her weight in gold," she choked out, trying to find some anchor through the storm of emotion swelling inside her.

Kaif gave a watery laugh through his own tears. "Yeah," he said hoarsely. "She is."

He reached across the table again, covering Kash’s trembling hand with both of his. "I’m so sorry, di," he said. "It shouldn’t have taken me this long to tell you how this. None of us bothered to ask how you were doing all these years and that’s on me too. Not just Mama."

They sat in the thick, humming silence of the café, surrounded by the clink of plates and low murmur of other patrons, the world blurring at the edges.

Kaif turned back to Neena, his voice steady despite the tears. “I'm not asking you to fix everything right this moment, Mama," he said. "But you need to accept what you did. You need to stop hurting her. Even if di forgives, I can’t.”

Neena dabbed at her eyes, her fingers fumbling with the napkin. "I’ll try," she whispered. Nothing more.

Kash closed her eyes for a beat, breathing in slow through her nose, letting the words settle over her cautiously like a fragile, untested bridge.

Her mother and she were a long way off from forgiveness or healing, but it was a start.

* * *

The late afternoonsun cast long shadows across the nearly empty parking lot.

The air was thick with the scent of asphalt warming under the day's last heat, mixed with the faint sweetness of jasmine from a nearby planter.

A gentle breeze stirred Kash’s hair against her neck, but she barely felt it. Her body was a tight coil of exhaustion and nerves, as if the confrontation with her mother had scraped her hollow from the inside.

Kaif leaned against the car, watching their mother's vehicle disappear around the corner. Kash stood beside him, arms crossed, her gaze fixed on the horizon.

"Do you think she'll be okay?"

Kaif shrugged. "She might hate me for a while, but she needed to hear it."

Kash turned to him, a faint smile tugging at her lips. "Thank you. I know you're not exactly one for words, especially big ones like these.”

He sighed. "I should've used them a long time ago."

She stepped forward, wrapping her arms around him in a tight embrace. "It's never too late."

Kaif hugged her back, then pulled away slightly, his expression turning serious. "I know this was a lot," he began, hesitating. "But I'd hate myself if I didn't say one more thing."

Kash stared at him, her stomach knotting again. "What is it?"

He looked away, then back at her. "I loved Kat too, you know. It was easier to be close with her than you because we both were good at messing up. Doesn’t mean I was blind to her personality, like Mama was.”

“Damn it, Kaif. Just say it, please.”

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