Page 27 of Not In Love

“But you did bang him.”

Kash rolled her eyes. “Yes. It was one night. It’s done.”

Chaaru arched a brow. “And?”

“And…” Kash trailed off, her gaze flicking to the horizon, lips parting slightly before closing again. “It was beyond amazing,” she admitted softly. “I didn’t think I could feel like that again. I didn’t think anyone could… get through my frozen state. Get me over the edge, you know? But he did.”

Mona sat up straighter, teasing expression fading. “Kash?—”

“I’m not falling for him,” Kash said quickly, holding up a hand. “Let’s be clear about that. I’m not naïve enough to imagine fantastic sex means anything more than damned good chemistry and an attentive lover.”

“No one said you were,” Chaaru said gently.

“You were never naïve, sweetheart. Not even as a teen,” Mona said, a sense of loss to her words. “You never had the luxury to be anything but strong and grown-up for your family. We all see that, you know.”

Kash swallowed. “It’s just—God. I’ve been frozen for so long. Stuck in this in-between place…” She hesitated, her voice thickening. “And he makes me feel alive.”

The breeze stirred around them, warm and soft, like it was listening.

“Are you regretting it?” Chaaru asked in that quiet way of hers that said all her focus was on Kash.

“I don’t,” Kash said, voice steadier now. “Granted, it would have been easier if it wasn’t the one person I see every damn day. The one person I can’t…”

“What?” Mona said softly. “Do you have feelings for him?”

Kash laughed then, and it sounded broken to her own ears. “I’m too messed up to know that, Mon.” Tears trailed down the corners of her cheeks.

Her two best friends waited, the silence pressing up on her ribs. The breeze off the ocean shifted, brushing over her flushed skin.

“This isn’t completely about Diego, is it?” Chaaru asked, throwing her long legs off the lounger and leaning toward her.

On her other side, Mona did the same.

“I haven’t been okay,” Kash said. “Not for a long time.”

Both women went still beside her.

And just like that, the tight lid she’d been keeping over herself burst open, the ugly contents spilling far and wide.

Kash stared out at the water. “I know I look like I’ve been managing. But something’s been pressing down on my chest for months. Years. Losing Simon and Kat was the last straw. I can’t get out from under it. I feel like I’m suffocating.”

“Kash…” Chaaru’s voice was soft now, the sunglasses no longer a mask.

“After the accident,” Kash went on, “I didn’t have a choice. I lost my sister and my husband in one moment. Suddenly I was raising a five-year-old, keeping my mother upright, running a hospital department. There wasn’t time to fall apart.”

Mona sat forward, blinking quickly. “Damn it, I should have known.”

“You never said anything,” Chaaru whispered.

“I didn’t know how to,” Kash admitted. “It didn’t hit all at once. It was slow. Like the tide. One day I just… realized I couldn’t breathe.”

Mona stared at her. “You let us think you were fine.”

“I was in survival mode and kept thinking the pressure would let up any day,” Kash said. She didn’t doubt that she deserved Mona’s quiet anger. “And you and Dom were having a rough time of it too. I couldn’t add to your troubles.”

Mona’s eyes filled. “We’re your best friends. What the hell are we even doing if you can’t lean on us?”

“Mona—” Chaaru tried gently.

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