Page 101 of Heart of the Sun

She gave me a wistful smile. “There are plenty of young people here, and they have children. We’ll do our part, of course, but we do know our limits. We’ve made a good team so far, all of us together.”

I felt a knot in my shoulder muscles loosen. They were taken care of. They’d made it this far, and I felt confident they’d continue forward. I was especially relieved to know they’d banded together with others.

“Will you stay, Tuck?” Mrs. Swanson asked. “You would be invaluable to getting a functioning citrus farm set up. We lost some animals, but still have chickens and several goats. We’ll need to start breeding them as quickly as possible.” She brought her hand to her forehead. “Oh, there are a million things to do. But what else is there now if we want to survive?”

“I’d love to stay and help with the labor, Mrs. Swanson, but I’ve been offered a position in Kansas, and maybe other places too. There are people in need of help everywhere now, and things are only going to get worse before they get better.Especially in the cities. There are groups of people with special skills, some military, some first responders, and others, who have backgrounds like me. They’re forming teams and doing what they can for people in bad situations.”

Her brow knitted. “That sounds very dangerous.”

“Maybe. I’m up for it.”

“I know. Yes, of course you are. And we’re up for the work we have in front of us too. Thank heavens we have enough to start with.”

I also had the confidence that they were up for the task and had plenty of willing hands and strong bodies. And weapons as well. If they didn’t, well, that would be different, but they did. They had much more than most and they’d be okay. “I’d love to stay for a couple of days if you’ll allow me to, and if you have the food to spare. I’ll go over what I know about the land and the trees and anything else that might come in handy, and then I’ll take off.”

“We’ve pooled our food items in the old barn,” she said. “And we’re rationing for now, until we have more animals, and until the spring planting gets underway.”

“Wise,” I said.

She smiled and stood. “Come on, I’ll get you set up in the guest room. You must be exhausted.”

The guest room.Emily’s old room.She’d be everywhere, and though I knew it would hurt, I also desperately craved having any part of her surrounding me.

* * *

We’d eaten a rationed dinner of canned franks and beans, corn, and sourdough bread cooked over a campfire, and afterward, I wandered out back to the patio. It seemed virtually untouched from the fight that had been waged for this property, though it had aged over the years and obviously gone untended as the Swansons put all their work and focus into keeping the orchard alive.Weeds grew through the gaps in the pavers and the edging had moved so that it was now misshapen. The furniture was rusty and the planters, once overflowing with flowers, were now merely dirt. The only thing that did work was the solar lighting that twinkled around the space. I took a seat on the short rock wall, my heart heavy as I looked around.

The back door opened, and Mrs. Swanson stepped outside, smiling as she came toward me. “I’m going to clean this up in the spring,” she said. “It will be a nice space to gather again.” She sat down next to me. “We had so many good times out here, didn’t we?”

Something sharp pierced my heart, and though it hurt, it also made me smile. “I feel my mom out here,” I said. “And Em too.”

I pointed to the portion of patio where she’d always put on her performances for us. “I can still see her there and hear her voice. I knew, even then, that she’d be a star.”

I felt Mrs. Swanson’s gaze on the side of my face and turned toward her. “Oh…oh, you fell in love,” she said. It wasn’t a question; it was as though it’d been written on my face. And maybe it was. This was the one place, I supposed, where I couldn’t have kept my feelings for Emily inside even if I’d tried.

Yes. I had fallen in love with Emily. Only, falling in love with Emily had been like finding a shortcut that led back home. The journey had been effortless because I’d already been halfway there.

God, I missed her. I ached with it.

Even though I hadn’t confirmed what Mrs. Swanson said, her face blossomed in a smile. “You did. Oh. Then why? Why didn’t Emily come back here with you? Why did you separate?”

“Right now? For the promise of safety. Neither one of us knew if you all were…”

“Yes, of course,” she said. “You didn’t know if we’d even be here.” Her gaze drifted away. “So many have died.”

We were quiet for a moment, letting that awful reality settle. “But long term?” she asked.

“I don’t have anything to offer her right now. Even if—when—Emily makes it home, I can’t stay here, clearing land and planting trees.”

“There will be quite a bit more to it than that.”

“I know, but you get my point. For six years, I was purposeless.” I tilted my head, looking up at the night sky, stars just blinking to life. It stretched on and on, just like I remembered from my childhood. “I woke in the morning and ate breakfast and then worked out, read, ate lunch, dinner, went to bed and then woke up and did the same damn thing the next day. I have a chance now to be out there, serving others, making up for the lives that were lost because of me. Emily… Emily deserves someone who doesn’t have the baggage I do. And I…well, I have the chance to offset some of what I did, and who would I be if I didn’t take it?”

“A man who’s decided he deserves some happiness. And some peace.”

“Do I though? The people who were harmed because of me, and those who lost their lives, will never have happiness, or peace, so why should I?”

“Because, Tuck, you still have love in your heart and breath in your lungs. I’m sorry for what you’ve suffered. Sometimes I blame myself for what happened to you.”

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