Page 102 of Heart of the Sun

“What? Why? No. You had no part—”

“I could have talked to your father and begged him not to let you go to LA. I could have gone there myself and dragged you back and taken you in—”

“I wouldn’t have let you. Please don’t blame yourself. I’m the only one who should bear that burden.”

“I love you though, sweetheart. And when your heart breaks, so does mine. You’ve always been the son I never had, and Mariana would have wanted me to step in more than I did.I let her down, too.”

“No, no. I don’t want you to feel that way. Please don’t. My choices are mine. I made them, and I’m the one who should suffer for them.”

“How long should you suffer? Is there a time limit? Will you know when it arrives?”

“I don’t know. Maybe.”

“Or is it putting your own life in danger that you believe is the necessity? Or maybe sacrificing yourself altogether,youbeing the one to die this time instead of someone else. Will that balance the scales? Is that what you’re after? Because if so, just know that you dying will kill part of us too. And Emily.”

“I’m not suicidal if that’s what you’re asking. I’m just… I’m trying to find redemption.”

I ran my hand through my hair. I was confused and my purpose, the one I’d been so set on, wobbled before me. Emily had made similar points in that laundromat in LA, but it’d been easier to dismiss what she’d said then with the stench of dead bodies all around us and the recent vision of those I cared about rotting in their living rooms.

She reached over and took my hand. “I understand that, I do, and, Tuck, you’ve done heroic deeds to help others who weren’t able to help themselves. When presented the opportunities, you took them and I’m proud of you for that. But will serving strangers really bring you the redemption you’re seeking?”

“Maybe not, but what else do I have?”

“You have the opportunity to earn grace every day by loving well and living with honor, and yes, by tending the earth too and rebuilding what has been destroyed. By doing your part to help a community who could use your labor and your knowledge. Perhaps you don’t see the importance of those roles?” She paused but didn’t wait for me to answer. “But beyond any of that, it sounds like you have Emily.”

Emily.Just hearing her name made my heart twist with longing. “We were only meant to be temporary.”

I looked away but again felt her stare. “Is it only that you believe you’re not worthy of Emily?” she asked. “Is it really redemption you’re seeking? Or is it love you’re running from?”

I felt a soft clunk inside me. “What?”

She tightened her fingers around my hand. “It’s scary, I understand. You lost so much, everything that you held dear and true. Your past and your future. It was all so suddenly gone. It’s terrifying to put yourself in a position where that might happen again. To lay your heart on the line must seem like the riskiest thing you could ever do after the rug was swept out from under you once before. Perhaps it’s easier to focus on your guilt, rather than your fear.”

I sighed. Okay, she was right. I could admit that. The thought of handing my heart to Emily had me quaking. I could stare down the barrel of a gun, but I couldn’t bear the thought of her looking at me with revulsion someday and walking out the door. “Even if I stay, what if Emily eventually decides she made a mistake? We went on this intense journey where we became close. We bonded. That was bound to happen, I guess. But what about some ordinary Tuesday when she looks over at me and realizes how much better she could have done?”What if she takes her love and leaves?

“I can’t answer all these questions for you, sweetheart. I wish I could. But you’re going to have to come to the answers inside yourself because that’s the only place the truth exists. What I will say is this—you have a legacy, Tuck. That didn’t go away because your mom died, or your father sold this land. A legacy is everlasting. You forgot that for a while. I hope you remember.”

And then she gave my hand one last squeeze, stood, and went back inside, leaving me alone under the stars.

chapterforty-two

Emily

Day Twenty

The tall wrought iron gate had presumably once been operated by a security guard who sat inside a small box and pushed buttons to open and close it. Now, however, it was manned by two large men both wearing camo and with rifles in hand. They nodded at Leon when we arrived in front of it and pulled the bolt before swinging it open. My gaze lingered on one of them. He looked familiar. A stunt man from LA, I thought. Hadn’t he worked on one of Charlie’s movies? It made sense, I supposed, as Leon had told me he lined up the security detail here in exchange for residency.

The street before us wound upward, those solar lights brighter now that the sun had sunk lower in the sky. They twinkled everywhere, lighting the way forward and, for a brief moment,I dared to dream that this lovely place would come to feel like home.

The only house I could see from this vantage point was the side of a white mansion a little ways up the hill, half of it disappearing around the turn. But I knew there were more beyond, with gardens and swimming pools and henhouses and all the various features and amenities being used to keep this community safe and fed. The foliage around us was lush and fragrant, palm trees rising into the dusky sky. “It really is as gorgeous as you described, Leon,” Layne said, her neck bent as she gazed up the hill.

“Wait until you see the rest,” he said with a sideways smile.

We walked toward what looked like a gatehouse and when Leon knocked, a young man exited. “Hi, Leon.”

“Hi, Asher.” He gestured back toward us. “This is Emily and Layne.”

“Welcome,” Asher said before looking back at Leon. “Was that your final trip?” There was something in Asher’s tone I couldn’t quite discern. A note of caution, perhaps? Nervousness? It was hard to say, and I was too physically and emotionally exhausted to think much about it anyway.

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