My muscles lock in an uncomfortable position as I stare at the well-worn bear with the frayed bow tie. The room seems to shrink in on me, and I open my mouth to say something but can’t find the words.
“They’re a happy family,” she continues as if I’m not reeling, her attention solely on the bear with the bow tie.
Family.
An f-word that’s always meant absolutely shit to me.But it’s everything to Emerald and her siblings.
My face remains the same impassive mask that I’ve developed over the years. My eyes lift from the bear to the little girl before me. She smiles so brightly. Like she’s proud of what she’s just told me.
“Great,” I breathe out, unable to find a better thing to say.
My brow puckers as I stare at the bear.A happy family, that’s what she called it. Does such a thing even exist? Better yet, does such a thing existfor me?
And more importantly, why do I even care? I made my peace with never wanting or having a proper happy family in my life. I resigned myself to being what I am. Or so I thought...
My eyes narrow slightly as I stare at the bear. It’s a stupid thing to think that if I stare long enough, he’ll be intimidated like everyone else and give me the answers I seek. And I know that, but I can’t help it.
Something shudders inside me, and I’m reeling. A loss of control. A foreign concept to me after so long of always being in sole charge of my destiny.
In the span of five seconds, that barely living thing deep inside me flickers to life, rising from the ashes of a loveless existence. Back with a vengeance. I shift and clear my throat to try and displace the uncomfortable feeling.
But it settles into my chest.Want? Need? Longing?
I don’t know what to call it, but I fucking want it gone.
Don’t I…?
Because the more I stare at the bear and the whole damn family of mismatched stuffed animals, I’m not so sure.
“Giulietta, um, what makes them a happy family?” What possesses me to ask her this, I’m not quite sure. But I suddenly need the answer. I’ve never felt like this, hanging on the words of a five-year-old the way I am now. Like some part of me is maybe stretching out for something just in reach.
“Well, they love each other very much. And…” She stops to think about it. “They have tea together. They play together. They do things a family does.”
“Yup…that’ll do it,” I grit out. I squeeze my eyes shut as old images are dredged up in my mind one by one. The park. The movies. Running around the house on the broad shoulders of my dad. They’re so blurry and faded I’m not sure if they’re real or not. But the way they constrict my chest is very real.It was a happy family.
My eyes bounce between Jaspar and Giulietta, who are both oblivious to the storm rolling through me. Could I, could we…?
Fuck.
The way the idea sparks something inside me makes me shift uncomfortably. Emerald and I, we’re…complicated and new. Since kissing her outside the casino, making love to her in that motel, and moving her into my mansion, the way we interact has shifted. From banter to flirting and back again. But this just makes the idea of her—of an ‘us’—all the more alluring.
I bite the inside of my cheek. There’s no way I’m letting this go. That little broken boy inside me won’t let it happen, grasping onto this very dangerous and scary idea with his tiny fingers. And I’m not even sure the man I am today wants him to.
“And Emerald Bear and Saint Bear both take Milena, Jaspar, and Giulietta to the park to play, and to the children’s museum, and…and…to the movies. They teach them ABCs and sing songs together. And they have ice cream for dinner when they’re good.” Giulietta continues her explanation of what constitutes a happy family around the bite of a cookie.
“I see. And when they’re not having ice cream for dinner?”
“They eat pizza.”
“Of course. How silly of me not to know that.”
She giggles. “It’s okay. You’ll learn.” She pats my hand across the table, and I’m a goner for her just as bad as I am for her sister. I’m fucked. More fucked than I was before, without a doubt. Actually, I’m beyond fucked. God help me.
Movement to the left of us at the door catches my eye, and my body tenses. Despite the distraction of the tea party, despite the earth-shattering realizations, I’m not completely gone enough not to be aware of my surroundings.
My gaze flickers to the doorway, and heat crawls up the back of my neck.
Emerald leans against the door. “Well,hello there,” she says with a huge smile as she takes in the scene.