Page 50 of Scarred Heart

I gave her the same up-and-down look, replying, “You’re not looking so great, yourself.What happened to all the fancy clothes?”She was dressed the way I was used to seeing her, in an old band T-shirt and a pair of jeans with the knees ripped out.Almost like she had been pretending to be somebody else, wearing a costume.It was a well-fitting costume, but eventually, everybody got tired of pretending to be something they weren’t.

“Uh… thanks?”She crossed an arm over herself, gripping her other elbow.That was always what she did when she felt exposed or nervous.“How are you feeling?Are you sick?”

“Can we please stop this?Because you know damn well how I’m feeling.You know I’m not sick, even if I sort of feel that way.Don’t pretend Mom didn’t already tell you why I’ve been here.I know that’s why you’ve been steering clear.If this were any other situation, you would have been here by now.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she insisted with a nervous laugh.Her gaze kept sliding toward the front door like that was her way out.Her chance at freedom.

“Give it some thought,” I suggested, slowly rocking the swing.“Maybe you’ll remember.You know, you never did tell me the name of the man you were seeing.Why don’t you tell me now?”

“Wow.You’re giving me whiplash.”She laughed.She could laugh all she wanted, but I saw the strain on her face, in her eyes.

“I’m curious.What’s his name?What does he do for a living?”

“It doesn’t matter.We are… not seeing each other anymore.That’s over.”Her brows drew together as her gaze dropped to the wood floor under us.She scuffed one of the planks with the toe of her sneaker.“He wasn’t right for me.”

“Because he’s a goddamn sociopath?”I guessed, snickering when her head snapped up, eyes wide.“You know what, I’m feeling psychic today.Let me take a guess.Is his name Damian Fields?”

Her mouth fell open.Her mouth snapped shut.“See?”I muttered.“That’s the one thing I was curious about.Would he use his real name?At first, I thought no, of course not.He would want to fly under the radar.But then I gave it some more thought and realized no, he would want us to know it was him pulling the strings all along.So how did he do it?”I asked, which in and of itself was a miracle seeing as how my heart was breaking, and stringing words together was becoming more and more challenging.

“Please.”She hung her head again, shoulders rising and falling in a sigh.“Please, don’t do this.”

“Don’t do what?Don’t hold you accountable for something you’ve done?”I didn’t want to scream out here in the open, so I settled for grunting out, “Dammit, Rhiannon.How could you?I know you hate Spencer, but he is Hannah’s father, and you still went out of your way to hurt him.”

She flinched.“Is that what you think happened?That I wanted revenge or something?”

“Don’t tell me that had nothing to do with it.”

“No.It didn’t.”She ran a hand under her eyes, sniffling now that she had given up the act.She was trembling, her body sagging before she perched on the railing running the length of the porch.“I swear.I didn’t realize… I didn’t know.”

“Didn’t realize what?That there was something strange about a guy you were seeing wanting to know about my past?”

“Just let me explain.”

It was the funniest thing.My instinct was to say no, to shut her down, to tune her out.Then again, that was what Spencer did to me.He wouldn’t let me tell my side of the story, and I still resented the hell out of him for it.Now I understood how easy it was to stick my fingers in my ears, close my eyes, and pretend I couldn’t hear anything that didn’t fit within the narrative I had already constructed.

She must have taken my silence for acceptance because she continued in a soft voice, “Do you know how long it was since I felt… noticed?Special?The men I work with, they sit glued to their computers all day.They barely notice anyone or anything around them.And they have the social skills of toadstools.You know how hard it is for me to meet people.I get three sentences in, and I say something stupid or nerdy or, I don’t know.”Lifting a shoulder, she concluded, “Whatever it is, it turns people off.But not him.He liked me, or he pretended to.He made me feel… pretty.”

“For God’s sake, Ree, you are pretty.You’ve always been pretty.Is that all it takes to make you spill a secret like that?Telling you you’re pretty?”I was almost shouting and had to cut myself off before I got much louder.

“Oh, spare me the sanctimonious crap,” she spat.Now, my head snapped back in shock.I could count on one hand the number of times she took that tone with me.Bright color flooded her cheeks, and her lip curled in a smear.“Look at you.You’ve had your entire life handed to you while some of us had to scratch and fight for every goddamn good thing that ever happened.For once, something good happened to me.For once, somebody saw me.Noticed me.Not the beautiful and perfect Rowan.”

“Don’t make this about that,” I whispered, shaking my head.I didn’t know whether to be sad, disappointed, or sickened by her excuses.

“But that’s what it was about, don’t you see?I wasn’t trying to hurt anybody,” she insisted, shaking her head fiercely.“I swear to God.Do you understand how stupid I feel?He used me.Looking back, I see it so clearly.”

She scoffed and sneered again, though something told me she sneered at herself.“The questions he would ask about the family.Asking if I was close with you.What it was like growing up together.I thought,wow.” She released a sigh, leaning against the post beside her.“Wow, he really wants to know about me.My life, my history.I told him all about Hannah, about helping raise her.Of course, he wanted to know why you weren’t the one doing it.I walked right into his trap.”

I was starting to understand.How he found her, I didn’t know and might never, but at least I was starting to see how it all came together.It wasn’t like she went out and sought him.“So, you told him everything,” I concluded.“You hardly knew him.Why would you trust him with something like that?”

“I told you.He made me feel special.I honestly thought…” She covered her face with her hands.“I thought maybe this was it.”

“Jesus…” I whispered.

“You don’t get it!”Her hands dropped to her lap, tears flowing down her cheeks.“All our lives, it’s always been about you.Rowan, the star.Beautiful, perfect Rowan.Everybody paid attention to you.I was always an afterthought.And then, what happened?You started dating this ridiculously wealthy guy, and he almost got you killed.You found out you were pregnant with his baby.Your face was disfigured, your career went up in smoke.And then what happened?”

She barked out a brutal laugh that chilled my blood.“You somehow managed to pivot and ended up doing better than ever!Mom and Dad gave you everything.They let you come back home.They raised your baby for you so you could go to school.Because it’s always aboutyou!What’s best for Rowan.How can we help Rowan?Poor, tragic girl whose dreams were broken.What aboutmydreams?When did anybody give a shit about my dreams?”

She scoffed, either at me or herself, standing and turning around to gaze out over the street.“I finally had something for me, and I was so desperate and so lonely, I walked straight into it.What an absolute joke.”

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