Page 81 of Mated Exile

But the closer I get to the center of him, the more I'm pushed back. The darkness doesn't want to be destroyed. It ripples inward, blackness coalescing around the central shape until it disappears completely. A moment later the light between my fingers goes out, and I have to blink away the afterimage smoking across my eyes.

"I almost figured it out," I tell Kieran, meeting his gaze. "Just one more try and I'll have it."

"If you say so." His mouth turns down, and he reaches up to curl his fingers gently around my arms, supporting them. "Don't push too hard."

Sparks dance across my skin at his touch, and I shiver. "I won't."

Again, I ignite the light and push towards the darkness. The center shadow makes its appearance. My eyes stream as I reach towards it with my mind, fingers digging into Kieran's chest.

It evades me.

Then it does so a third time. And a fourth. On the fifth try I grit my teeth, forcing all my magic to my fingertips. A steady ache starts at the base of my skull, and my fingers begin to strain from being held in one position for so long. The words of the spell curl and crackle on the tip of my tongue.

As if learning from my actions or somehow sensing me coming, the darkness doesn't even let me see the object at its heart this time. When I shine my light on it, the inky black of its shape shimmers and hardens around the center, until it disappears completely.

"That's enough." Kieran's voice is gentle as the light goes out. "You tried, Delilah, but it just isn't happening. I don't want you to push yourself and wind up hurt."

"One more time," I insist, but he's already peeling my fingers back from his chest. I hiss as the feeling goes back into them, pins and needles springing up my wrists towards my shoulders. "I swear it's like that thing inside you is learning and evolving."

"I don't doubt that it is. But it'll still be there tomorrow when you wake up, no doubt eager to try again." Leaning forward, he drops a soft kiss against my forehead, and I inhale sharply at the warm brush of his lips on my skin. "I'm so appreciative that you tried, Dee, but I've lived with it for years. I can deal with the thing for the rest of my life."

Kieran's eyes catch mine, our faces only inches apart. His long, strong fingers are curved around my hands, gently catching them and holding them as the pins and needles feeling fades away. Without the distraction of the black pit or the spellwork, I'm suddenly hyperaware of how close we're sitting.

He blinks, obviously aware of it as well. In a soft voice he asks, "Dee. Why do you want to fix the broken mate bond so badly?"

"Because it's clearly hurting you," I answer quickly. "And there's something about it that I just can't wrap my mind around. Like a puzzle."

Kieran's thumb drops down to my wrist, and he strokes the skin there, goosebumps spreading wherever his touch collides. "Is that all?"

I blink at him. "What else could it be?"

His voice roughens, drops. "I was thinking that maybeyouwanted to get rid of it before you'd consider mating me." His brows draw together until a little wrinkle appears on his forehead. "Since you want me to be better in order to consider it."

"Better?" My voice trembles in the middle of the word. "Kieran, I don't know what I want you to be except—excepthappy."

"I don't deserve that." He shakes his head, even as he draws me towards him, the pillow I'm sitting on sliding across the polished wood floor. "Some would say I deserve a slap or even worse for what I did to you."

"I've considered slapping you," I admit. A thousand fantasies, mostly carried out during my exile, flit through my head. "Also, Ididpush you off the front porch. That felt pretty satisfying."

He chuckles. Leaning forward, he nuzzles his nose against mine. "I just want to make sure that if you're holding back for any reason... if there's anything stopping us from getting together... I want to know."

My breaths come short and slow. There's so little space between us. It wouldn't take more than a thought or an inch to draw them closed.

Which is exactly what I do. Slipping my hand from his grasp, I bring it up to the side of his face and kiss him. Our mouths meet shallowly, quick as a breath, before he draws back and stares down at me. His eyes are hungry and searching.

In a low voice I tell him, "The only thing that's stopping me is how scared I am that once I'm with you, that'll be it. I'll be consumed by this thing between us, so big it feels like fate, and there'll be none of me left. As soon as we're mated it'll be like the past seven years didn't happen."

Kieran takes my hand and draws it to his chest, where his heart beats a shockingly fast beat. "Dee, if it weren't for the past seven years, you wouldn't be the woman you are now. As lost as we've been—as broken as we've become—I would never expect you to forget them."

"I don't think you wouldmakeme feel that way." I search for the right words. My lungs rattle as I take in a shaky breath, unable to calm my beating heart or stop the flush spreading across my skin. "When I'm with you, Kieran, it's like—like I'm that fourteen year old girl again, still standing in front of everyone, waiting for the nightmare to end. Then you kiss me, and it's over. Like waking up and realizing it never happened at all. That scares me more than anything, because I don't know who I'd be if I hadn't been rejected. If Cat hadn't taken me in and I hadn't found myself on my own. I don't want to forget, but when I'm with you, it almost feels like I can."

His face crumbles. Tilting his head down, he draws my hand up to his lips and lightly kisses my palm, his eyes fluttering closed. I feel the rasp of every breath I take scrape against the inside of my chest.

"Let's make new memories, then," he says. "I want to show you that we can be the people we are now, together, without any of that getting in the way. It's not the same as forgetting. We're just getting to know each other as we are now, and I think that's something beautiful."

For a moment I consider his words. A small, frightened part of me wants to reject them. To turn away, and declare that it's impossible, even though mere days have passed since I suggested just that.

No one has ever been as close to me as Kieran. He knows a version of me that no one has seen. I used to think he rejected that version of me and turned me away. Now that I know the truth, it's easier to forgive what he did—and it's time to figure out who I can become if I'm no longer holding onto the past.

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