Page 124 of Tides That Bind

Harper shakes her head. “You didn’t even like me a few months ago.”

She doesn’t get it. She couldn’tpossiblyget it. That who I was—what I was—before is as dead as her husband. The difference between me and my best friend, who lies unfairly six-feet under, is that I came back to life. Harperbroughtme back to life.

Clearing my throat, I release her chin and slide my hand up Harper’s face to palm her cheek. “I could love you, if you’d let me. Maybe I’ll be a better man because of it.”

A small, surprised gasp escapes Harper’s mouth, but I continue.

“I haven’t done a lot right in my life, okay? With you, I want to do it right. But howyou feelis always going to be more important than whatI want.” I shudder. “I’m putting the ball in your court, but you’ve got to give me a clear line here. Grey areas make me nervous.”

That’s always how it’s been for me. I need words loud and clear. I need direction.

Harper presses her lips together. “I…I want…Ineeda minute.”

She pulls her hand from my face and our arms fall at the same time.

I don’t know what’s harder—watching Harper walk away with my heart, or knowing, for the sake of her own, having to pretend to be okay with it.

I only lasted another twenty minutes at Ship-Slapped before I go home, unable to handle the continuous congratulations when all I felt was soul-crushing defeat.

But I don’t escape that at home, either. In fact, it’s worse. There’s an overwhelming sense of wanting to exist organically in the space where Harper and Lucas live, like I belong in the kitchen botching pancakes, cursing as I step on a Lego in the living room, making my way upstairs with an arm draped around Harper after an exhausting day of wrangling Lucas.

But just because I’m ready for all those things doesn’t mean she is and I have to respect that even if it kills me.

Really, really kills me.

Still in need of fresh air, I sit on the steps leading to my apartment and pull out my phone, checking my email.

If I don’t get an answer from Harper tonight, at least I have one about our hearing date, which is now scheduled for this Friday, the day of the competition.

“Sounds about right,” I mutter and rub my temples.

I straighten when the lights illuminate the driveway as Harper pulls in, parking her car beside mine. My heart relaxes, but only just the slightest. Because Harper makes no move to get out of the car for what might be the longest minute of my life.

When she finally opens the door, Harper doesn’t immediately head into the house. She simply stands beside her car, staring straight at me for what is now the second longest minute of my life.

Since I know Harper made it home safely, I stand to head upstairs. But her voice keeps me in place.

“You said my grief is bigger, that it’s more important.”

When I turn around, I find her playing with the zipper of my hoodie.

“It’s not more important, Riley. It’s justbig, alright? Because when Nate died he took ourlifewith him. But I lost something else that night too.”

I swallow heavily before croaking out, “What’s that?”

Harper moves closer and I feel better that I see her face is tear free. But the heartbreaking tone of what she says next slices through me.

“You.”

“Me?”

Harper nods. “Who you were to me, that’s gone. Seeing you as who Ithoughtyou were, that’s gone. And you have to understand something, Riley. I hate it took Nate dying for me to see you in an entirely different light. And…”

The crack in her voice has me moving in her direction, but with slow steps for fear I’ll scare her away. “Andwhat, Harper?”

“And if I let myself be happy with you, be a family with you…”

I can’t handle it. I reach out to hold her. But when the way she flinches makes me do the same.

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