Page 6 of Silver Fox's Secret Baby

I cracked open the bottled water and had a sip before responding. "Thank you. How did he do?" I asked, knowing just how challenging my little man could be at times. Graduation ceremonies weren’t exactly conducive to small children, but he looked content.

"He had an accident and I missed your speech," Dad told me, "but I got him cleaned up and Mom recorded it, so I can watch it at home. Noah's just tired now. We should go get him out of the sun and get some lunch."

I hooked my arm around Mom's and followed Dad across the stadium to the south exit where Dad and Mom had parked. She was right. The cap and gown were excruciating. The black material had me baking in the bright sunlight, so I shed it the minute we were at the car. I'd taken an Uber to the stadium this morning, so I climbed into their back seat next to Noah's car seat and got him buckled in as Dad got the car started and cooling off.

"You know," Mom said as she climbed in, "Aunt Betty was asking about Noah. She thinks he's too small for his age." Mom's sister was nosy, but she was right. Noah was small for his age. He should have been in a booster at the age of four, but his poor body had been through so much.

"Yes, well you told her preemies are always a little small for their age, even into adulthood, right?" I hadn't told anyone other than my parents about Noah's condition, and I didn't intend to start telling them now. He didn't need a stigma surrounding him. By the time he was in high school, this would all be behind him.

"Yes, dear. I just think?—"

"I know, Mom. But I don't want people talking about him. Words are powerful, and I don’t want that sort of negativity going through his thoughts as he grows up." I snapped the chest restraint into place as Dad pulled out into traffic, then buckled myself in. Mom grew quiet, dropping her argument, and I settled in for the ride.

We had already decided on eating at a small Mediterranean restaurant after the ceremony, and I thought we'd agreed on not talking about Noah's health, especially after my aunt gossiped about Kate's miscarriage last month. I put it behind me when he was eighteen months and had his first surgery. The trauma of it all still tormented me at times.

"I'm really proud of you, sweetheart," Dad said again, eyeing my reflection in his rearview mirror.

"Thanks, Dad." Being a single mom for the past four years had been challenging. Months in the summer without Noah around, long periods of time where I only saw him for a few hours every day while he was at daycare or babysitters. And I hadn’t even been home for Christmas once, though Noah flew back with Mom each year to be with family. It was a break for me, and some Nana and Pop time for him.

"Have you given any thought to your next move? You've gotten some offers, right?" It was his job as a dad to worry about me. I was still a baby to him, though I was actually twenty-eight and well able to care for myself. I knew I'd probably still be worrying about Noah when he was an adult too. It was in a good parent's nature.

"I have…" I responded, but it wasn't as much "thought" as it was worry. I avoided looking at the mirror because I didn't want him to see my uncertainty.

The job at Princeton-Plainsboro would mean a very cushy salary. As chief pediatric attending, I'd have a nice title and be able to afford an upgrade to my stuffy one-bedroom apartment. But it would mean continuing my life as a single mom on my own without the support of my family. Kate had even settled down and gotten married, though lately, her life had been bumpy after miscarrying for the second time. But she promised to babysit if I moved home.

Which brought up the idea of the position as pediatric attending at Mountain View in Denver, only miles from my parents' house. It wasn't the same stature as the job at Princeton, and the salary would be lower, but cost of living was lower too. And I'd be right back in Denver with my parents and Noah would have his Nana and Pop nearby. Plus, he loved Aunt Kiki, which was what he called Kate. I just didn't know if I wanted to be in the same city as Ethan again or risk him seeing me somewhere with Noah and putting the pieces together.

"What do you think?" Dad was prying, and I wanted to tell him to back off, but I knew he cared.

"I don't know. I'm still thinking." I had no other response. Dad would keep asking, but I needed time to decide what I wanted for my future as far as my career went, and my son too. Knowing Ethan was near Denver at St. Anne's only complicated things because I'd kept Noah a secret.

I stared out the window as Mom changed the subject and talked about the traffic. She distracted Dad from his interrogation and I was relieved. She knew how hard this decision had been for me, and now I only had a week left to decide what I'd do. It kept me up at night obsessing over the tiniest details.

At lunch, Dad sat across from me where he could look me in the eye, and Mom sat next to him. Noah sat in a booster next to me in the small booth with its red leather seats. They chatted about the menu, and I pointed out the images of food on the children's menu to Noah, who scrunched his nose and pushed his glasses up with a finger, leaving a smudge on the lens.

"Look, buddy, what do you want to eat? They have chicken fingers, and mashed potatoes. Or you can get pizza, or how about grilled cheese with apple slices?" Each image showed an appetizing plate of food, but Noah was stubborn. Getting him to eat had been challenging since birth when his condition was diagnosed. And after his surgery, he barely ate anything for a few months.

"No, I don't like them." He crossed his arms over his chest and revealed his stubborn streak. "I want mac and cheese."

I sighed and again pointed at the other options. "Bud, they don't have mac and cheese here. But I can get you pizza. You like pizza."

"You like pizza," he said, cocking his head. He'd been frustrated with me for weeks. My licensing and board exams hadtaken almost all of my time, and Mom had been staying with us just to care for him lately.

"Noah, please choose one meal. When we get home, you can have macaroni if you're still hungry," Mom chimed in, and it bothered me that my son respected her more than me. The pediatrician told me things like this happened because children needed a lot of time and attention from caregivers. He'd grow out of it now that I was able to be home with him every night, but it just told me that he really did need his Nana and Pop around.

"I want chicken," he said, sulking, and I was just glad he'd chosen something even if it meant he was responding to his grandmother better than me. I rubbed his back and watched him reach for the crayons to color on the back side of the children's menu.

Not only had his health been an issue, but he had slight delays in physical development and cognitive development too. All of it amounted to a heap of stress for me while I was juggling my residency and trying to make ends meet. I was never more glad to be done with that phase of life.

"You should consider the job at Mountain View, dear." This time, it was Mom who spoke up. I knew she agreed with Dad on most things, and that didn't bother me at all. But their pressuring was without knowledge. Yes, they knew Ethan worked just outside of Denver and that he was Noah's father, but they didn't understand the panic I went through every time I thought of randomly bumping into him. Not only because of the way I left things completely unfinished with no closure, but because if Ethan saw Noah with me, eventually, he'd put the pieces together.

"Guys, please. It's stressful enough to make this decision without being pressured. I know it's a good position and that it allows me to be closer to you, but I don't know if I'm ready…" I let my words trail off and stared at the menu knowing that nowthat I'd asked them to back off, they would. The choice would be mine alone, and I'd have to make it on my own.

I looked at Noah coloring and saw him make an expression that reminded me of his father. They didn't happen often, but when they did, they melted my heart. I was still in love with Ethan after all these years. Maybe that was why I didn't want to see him.

I didn’t want my heart to break again if he was with someone else.

6

---