Page 17 of Silver Fox's Secret Baby

I watched her tail lights flicker to life and the car vanish into traffic, and I stood there feeling like a total ass. I was selfish and stupid, and I read the situation wrong. She wasn't ready for us to jump back into what we had before, and she wasn't ready to be transparent with me, either. Something was bothering her, and she was hiding it from me. Whatever it was, it was so close to her heart, she had forgotten our dynamic and the way we worked so well together. She'd forgotten how I could help her feel steady in the storms.

I slunk back into the bar and sat on my stool. My drink was there for me, but I didn't even want it. Tina and Amber swung by my seat to say hello and accept their incentive for helping me get Lily to come tonight—a drink each—and a few other doctors said hello, but my mood was ruined for the evening. I paid the bartender around nine and went home to sulk where I polished off the second half of an old bottle of bourbon, Lily's favorite, before passing out in bed to dream of her.

I was off to a crappy start for this second chance. I needed to stop and reassess my game now. If Lily had changed that much, I needed to change too. And I needed to know why she felt like she couldn’t open up to me. Because I feared what she was hiding was something she didn’t ever want me to know. Was she dating someone else? Or was it worse? Was she just too shy to tell me she wanted nothing to do with me anymore?

My night was riddled with dreams of her, sex dreams and then nightmares of her being torn away from me. I dreamed ofher telling me she was in love with someone else, and I dreamed of her saying she was so hurt by my past actions that she never wanted to speak to me again.

But the hardest dream was the one where she lay in my arms sweetly, confessing her love. I woke up around three in the morning to piss, and that was what I woke up to. The dream was so real, I could have sworn she was in my bed, and it was heart wrenching to find the mattress cold and myself alone.

Lily Carter was the only woman for me. I knew it in my heart after years of soul searching and trying to decide what I wanted in life. My attempt to woo her was flawed, and I failed tonight, but I would try again. What else could I do? I wasn’t whole without her.

13

LILY

My shoulders were tense and my stomach raw. For three very torturous days, I'd listened to Noah wheezing nonstop. I took a day off work to watch how Mom interacted with him and make sure she could handle his rowdiness, but even in his play time, he was stunted. The lower activity level was an obvious sign that something was wrong. I knew in my heart that the hernia was recurring and he would need another risky surgery, and I was scared stiff.

He sat on my lap in the waiting room with Mom to my right and Dad to my left. The nurse would come to call us back any second for his appointment. We'd rushed the CT and MRI through and today was results day. I was doubly nervous, too. Not only were we going to find out if this was the CDH returning which would require surgery, but we were only one floor away from where Ethan worked every single day. Dr. Butler insisted on seeing us here, and with the stakes so high, I couldn't really refuse. I needed these results.

"It's going to be fine, dear. You know yourself that Dr. Butler is the best pediatrician in the city. We have the best specialists here, and he's been through this once before." Mom's words were an attempt to encourage me, but no sane motherwould walk into an appointment like this without some sort of uneasiness or concern.

Being that I had the medical knowledge to know all the risks and exactly how bad it could be for my little boy, I had more nerves than most. I couldn't shut off my doctor brain in this situation any more than I could shut off my mom brain when I was treating patients as young as Noah. My heart was tangled up and overwhelmed, and I wanted it all to be over. Besides the fact that the guilt I now lived under knowing Ethan's parents were aging and probably wanting grandchildren didn't help.

"Dr. Carter…" I looked up to see the nurse standing with her clipboard in hand and a soft smile on her face. I had already asked Mom and Dad to wait for me here. I loved that they wanted to be involved, but this was something I needed to do on my own. I didn't want their worries or questions to make me forget anything I needed to ask or learn.

"Let's go, Noah," I said, setting him on the floor. He seemed so tiny to me now, like a baby, not the four-year-old toddler he was.

He looked up at the nurse with doe eyes and clung to my leg. Someone must have told them he was afraid. No one I'd seen today so far had lab coats on, which was a relief, but he still seemed to know where we were.

"It's okay, buddy." Dad nudged him, and he whimpered, so I picked him up.

"I'll be back…" Mom patted my shoulder as I walked toward the door and followed the nurse into the long hallway. She led us to an exam room near the back with a large television screen doubling as the computer monitor. Noah’s CT and MRI results were there, and I didn’t need a radiologist to read them and give me the results. I was trained to do it myself.

The large mass inside his chest cavity, which was causing him to wheeze and be unable to take a deep breath, was hisstomach and part of his large intestine. The hernia allowed his lower organs to push up through his diaphragm, causing him discomfort and constricting his lungs and heart. It wasn't good at all.

I sat him on the exam table and stayed by his side with an arm around his waist while the nurse took his temperature and blood pressure. Her slight scowl at the blood pressure reading wasn't encouraging, either.

"Dr. Butler will be here in just a second, Noah. We know how difficult it is for him, Lily, and we're going to make this as quick as possible." She smiled warmly and ducked out. I thought we'd be waiting a few minutes, but Dr. Butler walked right in as she left and he shut the door. He sat on his stool and flopped his file open on the counter.

"Well, Dr. Carter, I'm not surprised given the symptoms you indicated he was having. I'm glad we got the CT done when we did. It obviously shows his hernia has returned. The diaphragm is having a hard time growing with his body as he matures due to the scar tissue. He will eventually need surgery again and?—"

"Eventually?" I asked, now clinging to Noah as if he might fall off the table at any moment. I was definitely more scared than him at this point. Eventually didn’t sound like the right diagnosis. Noah’s body was clearly struggling, and even though I didn't want him to have to endure surgery, I felt it was necessary soon, noteventually.

"Yes, eventually." Dr. Butler turned and grabbed a remote off the counter and pointed it at the screen. He pushed a few buttons, and a more detailed view came on the screen. "You see, his heart is struggling a little to keep up with the demands his body is placing on it. His pulse rate is a little too high, and his blood pressure is high too. We need to control these two things well before I would consider him safe for surgery." He turned tome, and I scowled. “He has to be able to handle the anesthesia and wake up.”

As a good doctor, I would definitely agree, but as a mother, I worried that the condition would only worsen and start to bring him pain or worse, stop his breathing. Medications could control the issues that Noah was having, but nothing would stop the hernia from getting worse except to sew it shut.

"So, how high is his blood pressure?" I asked. None of this made me happy at all. I didn’t want to be here, and being alone made it worse. I should have told Ethan. He should be here to help me make these decisions. As a surgeon and a diagnostic physician, he knew far more than I did. Besides, he was Noah’s father.

"Not horrible, but not normal. It's running 130/90. For a child this young, it's dangerous long term, but controllable. I say we put him on some beta blockers to help the heart and the blood pressure, then we recheck in a few weeks' time, see how he's faring." Dr. Butler was a good doctor, and I trusted him. I just wished we could do something sooner. Every minute the hernia was present was a minute he was at risk for lung collapse or even an obstructed bowel. He already wasn't eating well.

"You're sure we can’t move faster?" I knew the answer before I asked the question. I just couldn’t give up hope that this would be more like ripping off a bandage and less like finding a needle in a haystack.

"I'm sure, Lily. We have to do this the right way or we risk worse things happening. Okay?” Dr. Butler tried to smile at me, but I was too discouraged to return it. “Let's get him on some medications and monitor him. Keep his activity level down, and in two weeks, we'll see how the meds are working. If the BP is controlled, we'll schedule surgery."

I reluctantly accepted his advice and the prescriptions and returned to my parents in the waiting room. They listenedanxiously as I gave them Dr. Butler's advice, and they tried to comfort me. Noah, on the other hand, had sailed through this appointment without fear. Thanks to Dr. Butler's staff and their kindness to shed the white coats, he never even cried. I was proud of him and promised him ice cream for dessert tonight if he took a good nap for Nana.

With Mom and Dad escorting Noah toward the elevator, I turned and headed up the hallway toward my office to get my tablet and return to my day's work. I no more than heard the elevator door ding when Ethan rounded the corner from the opposite direction and almost bumped into me. He apologized, and I nervously glanced at the elevators to see the doors closing on Mom, Dad, and Noah.

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