Page 29 of Guarded By the SEAL

“I’m the one who left Petra on the island,” I remind him. “I left her in danger, despite what Max told me, and she was kidnapped. I’m the one who pulled the trigger on her father. People should blame me.”

“But, Harry, Max was wrong, wasn’t he? Someone had been on the island. The hat was planted, and you knew it. This is what I mean about your gut instincts. They never let you down. Plus, if you hadn’t led the cops to the warehouse, then there is no telling what might have happened.”

I can’t hear the compliments. I don’t want them. It doesn’t really matter what I did right. I can’t help but focus on what went wrong. I don’t suppose anyone will ever understand that, so all Benji is really doing is pushing me further into my isolated hole. He’s reminding me that I don’t deserve anything.

“I’m leaving today,” I declare to conclude the conversation. “I just need some time to rest.” Thankfully, Benji doesn’t mention the fact that I haven’t stood up in days. “I will pack my stuff and go. I don’t know where I’m going before you ask me that one. I just know that I need to leave right now.”

Benji argues with me for a while, but I simply squeeze my eyes tight and say nothing back. Eventually, either he leaves or I fall asleep, I don’t quite know which one, but it brings me the blissful silence that I need. I really am going to have to find some peace before I try and start again. It’s going to be one hell of an upheaval, but it’ll be worth it to try and outrun this guilt. I can’t live in it forever. Can I?

Petra’s face consumes me. I swim in her beauty, in her body. We’re staring lovingly into one another’s eyes, declaring feelings that we probably shouldn’t have just yet but have somehow managed to develop in the short time that we have known one another. A part of me thinks we just know, and it’s something instinctive we can’t control. Another bit of me puts it down to the intensity of our situation.

Being around danger has sped up everything, and now we are happy and in love. Love has never felt like this before. I can’t get enough of this warm, intoxicating, delicious sensation. I never want it to stop.

The next moment, I am buried deep inside her, lost in the magnitude of what her body does to me, knowing with utter certainty that it won’t ever be like this again. We had this once, for a glorious second, and as much as I savored every moment, it doesn’t feel like enough. I want to redo everything.

But then her eyes change. I can see the red-hot hatred consuming her, swimming through her, almost drowning her. She watches me pull the trigger and take her father’s life. She wants me dead too, and I know I deserve it. Happily, I know I’ll sacrifice myself to her, but she won’t let me. She doesn’t want me to get off that easily. Petra wants me tormented, tortured, taken to the edge of what I can handle and then killed.

I beg with her, or at least I try to, but my voice box has vanished. I can’t express how sorry I am, how much I want to make things up to her, how I want things to return to normal. How I love her so much.

I reach out to try and hold Petra, but she slides easily through my fingers like grains of sand. I can’t keep hold of her no matter what I try. She’s lost to me, and I only have myself to blame for it.I might want to cling to her for the rest of my existence, but she won’t let me. She doesn’t want me.

I break. Piece by piece, I fall apart. It’s sharp, each shard agony, but I don’t fight it. I won’t. I can’t. I absolutely have to crack to see if there is anything left to put me back together. If not, then I will succumb easily and fade to the dust, into nothingness. I won’t even fight it. I will accept whatever comes my way…

“Harry.” I begin shaking hard, from side to side, rocking. It’s pulling me away from everything, taking me before I can really see the outcome. I don’t want to go, but the voice is too strong. “Harry, come on.”

I blink a few times before I realize that was all a dream and I’m now waking up. No, being woken up by someone calling my name over and over again. As I push myself up into half a sitting position, cheers erupt around me. This isn’t just one person, but a few. Benji has been joined by a bunch of other people.

Max, and some of the guys from the security work, and other Navy SEALs as well. I’m stunned to the core. I don’t know if this is a reunion or an intervention, but it sets me on an emotional rollercoaster.

“What the fuck is going on?” I croak out. “This is a rude as shit awakening.”

“Sounds like you’ve been sleeping for too long,” Max jumps in. “It’s time to take you out.”

I glance around at everyone, oddly touched that these men have all made such an effort to come and see me. That’s really awesome of them. I know they all have busy lives, so this is a lot. So, as much as I couldn’t think of anything worse right now than going out, I know these people deserve some effort for me. Plus,the Navy SEALs definitely aren’t the sort of people I can say no to, anyway. Not that they are bad people, but if they think they’re doing the right thing for me, they can be forceful. I will be out tonight whether I make the effort or not, so I might as well do what I can to make the best of it.

“I guess I have no choice.” I laugh. “Whether I want to or not.”

The light-hearted way that I take this allows them to all loosen up and start making jokes. I’m told by numerous different friends that if I don’t get my ass in the shower soon, they will take me, which I know isn’t just an empty threat, so I jump up and leave the room immediately.

It’s kinda nice to know that even at my lowest, I still have people who think I’m worthwhile. Benji will have told them what happened, but they are the sort of people who will all understand. It doesn’t make it any better, and I know I won’t be able to shake it off with ease, but the knowledge that I’m not actually by myself helps. I have friends. I am cared for. I wanted to run, but right at the moment, I don’t want to go anywhere. I can decide what the future holds tomorrow. Right now, I’m going to enjoy my friends.

23

PETRA

There is no lonelier place than a hospital room. Especially since I’m in it all by myself and I haven’t had a single visitor since I arrived. Not one. Even during the time that I was out. I asked a nurse, and she shook her head sadly. I don’t think that she wanted me to know I don’t have anyone, but I know.

Who would I have, though? My mother has been dead for years, my father is now gone, Jake is locked up… not that I would ever want my husband again. I suppose it will be easy to divorce him now that he’s in jail, but I still don’t want the hassle of it. Not really. I would rather it all be done already.

Friends… I don’t have any friends. Jake made sure of that. He systematically took me away from all of them, so I don’t have anyone now. The only person who could come and see me is Harry. But I don’t know if Harry wants to see me. I probably shouldn’t want to see him either since he pulled the trigger on my father, but I weirdly can’t find it in my heart to hate him for it. I know what Jake did, and I know how Harry got tricked. Heonly wanted to help me, to save me from those men. He didn’t know.

“It probably got too complicated for him,” I whisper to myself. “Or maybe it was all just a job all along. It was easy for him to walk away because he didn’t see me as anything other than work.”

If that’s the case, then I don’t need him now, do I? I don’t have to be protected anymore. Which means I’ll have to get used to the idea of never seeing him again. Just like everyone else…

I flop my head back against the pillow hard and fight back the tears. This is the most alone that I have ever felt in my life, and I hate it. There isn’t a single soul who can make me feel any better, which is just sad. What the hell have I been doing with my life to end up like this? I knew that it would be a daunting task to try and start again after everything, but this is an even bigger challenge than I expected. Do I even have it in me? I suppose I don’t have any choice but to find out, do I? I can’t stay in this bed forever, even if life is simpler here. I’ll have to struggle through reality at some time or another. I have no skills for real life, which means I’m going to have to start figuring everything out for myself. It’s daunting as hell.

“Petra.” I jump up and rapidly brush the tears away as the friendly nurse, Mary enters, who is the closest thing to a damn friend in my life at the moment, and that’s only because it’s her job to be nice to me. “I have some good news today. I’ve just been speaking with the doctor who said you can be discharged.”

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