Page 20 of Got to be You

“What guy?” I interject rapidly. “I don’t know any guy. Why would someone be looking for me?”

“It’s Jax.” Fuck, as soon as she says that, I’m transported back to the life that I’ve tried very hard to leave behind. Obviously, I can’t forget about it all completely, but I’m moving on as bestI can. “He’s here, and I’ve told him how unwelcome he’s after everything that he has done to you, but he won’t hear it.”

“I’m coming.” In a heartbeat, even though I really don’t want to because this is the exact conversation that I wanted to avoid, I gather up my stuff to leave. I can’t leave Katie to clean up my mess. “Wait there.”

I hang up quickly, ignoring the glares surrounding me, and I run back to the room until I’m out of breath and unable to think straight. I just can’t get my head around this at all. I don’t understand why my letter wasn’t enough. I told Jax that I didn’t blame him, that I wasn’t mad, but he’s here anyway. It’s hell. I’m not even close to feeling any better, and for some reason, he’s here rather than in LA to make it worse.

“Jax.” I see him and I nearly fall. The effect that he had on me when we very first met remains exactly the same. I’m still in desperate need of him. I want to wrap my arms around him tight. I want to hold him until the rest of the world blocks this feeling out… but I can’t. “Why are you here, Jax?”

He reaches out to touch me, but something in his brain stops him and he snaps back at the very last second. “I’m sorry, Lilly. I know you don’t want to see me. But I can’t end things like that. Not with you thinking an untruth about me. Because I’ve seen the picture now, and I know how it looks, but it isn’t that.” My eyes nearly pop out of my head in shock. “I know, but just hear me out.”

I fold my arms across my chest and stare him down until I see Katie pop her head around the door. She looks sympathetic, like she would do anything in the world to help me, but she doesn’t know what.

“Do you want the room to talk in private?” she asks me quietly. “Because I can get out of the way.”

I don’t know if it’s a good idea. In fact, being in a room with a bed around Jax feels like a terrible plan, but at the same time, I don’t want anyone listening in to my conversation because all of this is going to be embarrassing enough, so I nod and thank my friend as she walks off.

“Okay, come inside.” I sigh heavily. “Let’s get this over and done with. Say what you need to say.”

I hate being this cold with him, but it feels like the only way I can protect myself. I have to keep my heart protected because I can’t have him hurting me any more than he already has.

“I need to tell you, Lilly, that it didn’t happen. I didn’t kiss anyone. I would never do anything like that. I told you that I love you and I stand by that. I want us to work. I don’t want anything to get in the way. If I had known that picture was out there… well, I would have sorted it out much sooner.”

“So, you didn’t kiss her?” I look at him doubtfully. “Even though I said that I get it.”

“I didn’t kiss her.” I can tell from the intense look in his eyes that he really is telling the truth, which I have to admit leaves me completely dumbfounded. I’ve been so focused on the fact that he did me wrong, so it’s good to walk away from him, but now things are a little bit different. “I didn’t, Lilly. I know it looks that way from the picture, but I wasn’t even drunk or anything. She was just a bit flirtatious.”

He holds the necklace out to me, and I can’t seem to reach out to take it. My hands are shaking, terrified. I know if I take it, everything will shift all over again and I’ll lose the power. But doIneedthe power if it’s love? I mean, aren’t you supposed to lose everything in love and go wild? Because it’s worth it, because it’s imperfect, but perfect for the people in it? Goddamn it, he has me so confused.

“Please take it, Lilly,” he pleads. “I got this for you and I want you to have it, no matter what happens. Because we’ve had an amazing thing, haven’t we? I haven’t ever felt as connected with another human as I do you, and I’m certain that no matter what happens in my life, I’ll always feel that about you. You’re going to be special to me for my whole life, Lilly, I can promise you that much.”

Because the words that he speaks apply to me as well—he’s always going to be special to me—I take the necklace back. Instantly, I feel lighter, like I’m supposed to have this with me at all times.

“We knew that this was going to end, though, Jax,” I tell him softly. “And that’s even before you got signed to the record label. Our just being at separate college campuses was going to be enough. Your being all the way in LA just speeds things up a bit. I just think we should end things on a high.”

“But it doesn’t need to end at all,” he argues. “We can do it long distance. I’ll be able to visit all the time, and whenever you have spare time, you can come to LA to hang out with me.”

It’s like a nice dream, isn’t it? Imagining us giving it a go because we’re in love and neither of us wants this to end, but that’s all it can ever be. A dream. Long distance in real life is a nightmare. He only spent one night in LA, and he was already photographed with another girl to destroy me.

“I don’t want us to end up hating one another,” I reply quietly. “I would rather us have a lovely time together and for it to end on a high. I would much rather us end now and have good memories to look back on.” I take Jax’s hands in mine, dying because it feels so right, but that can’t change the inner strength that I’ve somehow managed to find here. “I don’t want to spend nights missing you, arguing over the phone, wondering where you are and who you’re with. You don’t want to take the baggage of me to LA with you, either, a girlfriend holding you back all the time. You want to be free. This is your fresh start.”

He parts his lips a couple of times to argue with me but has nothing to say because he knows that I’m right. Of course I’m right. As painful as it is, this is the time of our lives where we need to start making adult decisions, whether we like it or not. That’s just the way it has to be.

“I don’t like this.” He rests his forehead against mine, and I can see the tears shining in his eyes. “I don’t like this at all, Lilly. You’re the only person I’ve wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I don’t know how I’m supposed to cope without you. I can’t even begin to think of one day with you not there.”

I grip onto his hands tighter, the same sensation flooding me at the same time. “I know, but we’re going to have to find a way, aren’t we? We need to make it through life without one another. For now. But maybe, if we’re meant to cross paths again someday, we will. Just don’t hold out for it.”

A bitter taste of bile floods my throat. I hate these words. I don’t like saying them at all, but I know they’re what’s right. I love Jax enough to set him free and to leave him to his life. Even if he doesn’t see it now, he’s going to appreciate it. He needs this space to grow as a person. And truth be told, I probably do aswell. I don’t want to be the girl who follows her boyfriend around like a drip. I want my own life.

“I love you, Lilly,” he tells me in a choked up, emotional way. “I just wish it was enough.”

“I know. I love you too, and I feel exactly the same way. But this is the way life needs to be.”

He kisses me softly and gently, a goodbye kiss, I can tell. One that we will hold onto for the rest of our lives, maybe until we fall in love again, if that happens. I hold onto the back of his head to keep him in place because I’m not quite ready to let him go yet. I just want one more minute in our little bubble.

I didn’t want this conversation, nor did I want this goodbye, but I suppose I don’t have any choice. And it worked out okay in the end. I have my necklace back, which I’ll now keep as a memento for the time that we’ve spent together, and I have a fuzzy, warm feeling deep inside. It’s still sad and my heart remains broken. It’ll take some time to heal, but I can do it, we both can. We have to, don’t we?

“I’ll never forget our time together, Lilly,” he eventually tells me as we break apart. “You have changed me in the best way possible, and I really do hope that our paths do cross again one day. This can’t be it.”

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