Page 185 of Scrimmage

“She’s been shot,” Alexi says into the phone.

“Ashland, can you hear me?” I hold her head between my palms and push her eyelids open. Her eyes focus slowly, but her pupils are so dilated that I can see that I’m losing her with every second that passes. Her lips are turning blue. Why was I so fucking arrogant and stupid? Why did I fucking sulk instead of answering? Why haven’t I been here for her? If Ashland loses her life it'll be all my fault.

“Ko?” she rasps.

“It’s me. It’s me. I’m here,” I sniffle.

“Who’d’ve thought I’d see you when I died.”

“You’re not dying,” I lie, smoothing her hair back from her face.

She starts to laugh and cry. It’s pained, and it’s so weak that she doesn’t manage to shed any tears. “Take care of Penny. I gotta go.” Her words are slurred. She tries to lift her hand to touch my face. I snatch it and press it to my cheek, hoping to keep her warm.

Her eyes bore into me, flaring to life, but I can feel how close to death she is. It’s confusing and disturbing. Her awareness squeezes my gut. Those teal eyes glisten with amusement.

“Where? Where do you think you’re going, baby girl?” I’m breaking and shattering. I can’t fucking breathe. My fingertips dig into her chin, forcing her to hold her head up to meet my gaze. She smiles. The upturn in the corners of her mouth are so faint that it’s hardly recognizable.

“To Hell,” she says simply, and her eyes roll back into her head.

“Ashland. Ashland! Fuck, baby girl. Just,fuck, Ashland! Please,” I sob, tapping her cheek as if it will wake her up. Sirens explode in the distance.

I press my forehead to hers. A million thoughts run through my mind. All of them are Ashland. Every single thing I never said. Every time she would give me that smug smile, or every time she said something sarcastic. How she spits the truth out without a care in the world. The way she smells. Not this bloody gunpowder laced blackberry scent, but the clean one with honey. How her teal eyes would widen when I first went inside of her, and the way they rolled into the back of her head when she came. When she would insult me, or when she would find me at a party. If she dies she’ll never bitch about societal flaws or give me the middle finger again. Every single thing we did together dies with her.

She might die. I might lose her.

I’ve been so goddamn stupid. A world without her in it is unbearable. A life without her isn’t worth living, and it took her fucking dying right in front of me to shove aside my pride and admit it. I love Ashland, and I was so fucking wrapped up in pretending to feel nothing, pretending that it wasn’t possible, trying to find a reason to hate her, that I never told her.

“Not without me!” My voice cracks, and I shake her. “Goddammit, Ashland! Do you fucking hear me? Not without me!” I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. “I love you! You don’t go without me!” I demand.

Everything is out of control. I hug her, tucking my face into her chest shaking with sobs. I know it’s pointless to do this. It doesn’t make someone live. She would laugh at me, tell me to have some dignity, and to stop embarrassing myself. In this moment, though, I just wish she fucking would.

So I pray. I’ve never prayed before, but I talk to God. I beg him to keep her here. Not to take her from me or send her to Hell. That sort of distance will be unbearable. I beg him to take me, my career, anything, instead. I apologize for every awful thing I’ve done in my life. I apologize for turning her away and being angry over something I never gave her a chance to explain. I tell him how I was wrong. She's the good in the world just like Penny. That she's Wrong in the best way. I vow to tell her that I love her. I vow that I’ll do right by her and never make her feel so fucking small ever again. I vow to give her everything I have and more if she just stays on this plane with me.

The sirens are background music to my pain. I hear the police shouting outside. I just keep praying. All I can do is hold her and sob into her hair as they burst through the door and rush in.

I look up at Alexi taking in the scene around us. I’ve never seen him look so calm. Behind him paramedics push their way through. One of them, a woman, crouches down and puts her fingers to Ashland’s neck before exchanging an anxious look with the man who is with her.

“Save her, please,” I beg. I try to keep my heart together. I try to keep it from shattering.

“We’ll try,” the woman says in a rush. I sit back as they swarm her, shouting terms I don’t know and hauling her onto what may end up being her death bed.

“Koda!” Alexi shouts, slapping me across the face. It pulls me out of my stupor. “Ashland needs you right now. Even if she dies.”

Even if she dies. Alexi has never been a bullshitter. It’s one thing I’ve always appreciated about him. It’s why he got along so well with Ashland.

“I’m not living without her.” It’s the most honest thing I’ve said in a very very long time.

Alexi looks directly into my eyes. There's only acceptance, understanding. “Then we’d better make sure she doesn’t die, because I don’t think I’ll end up in Hell, and Heaven doesn’t sound as fun without you guys.”

My brother. My best friend. I love that stupid fucker. He’s right. I need to go with her. I tear through the house out onto the lawn and catch up to her. I’ll stew in my regret and self-hatred later. As they load her into the ambulance, the man tries to shut me out of the back, but the woman gives him a stern look.

“I’ll be right behind you,” Alexi promises, slamming the doors shut.

“Do you know her blood type, honey?” The woman asks with urgency.

“No.” Her heartbeat is so faint and fading that I start to think of all of the ways I'll follow her to the grave. I love her, and I never told her.

“Any drugs in her system?” The woman shouts at me.

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